I fall face first into Elli’s couch, groaning.
The thought of losing him hurts my chest.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
I roll over onto my back, inhaling deeply. “I miss sex!” I mean, I can’t come out and tell her the truth. She’ll make assumptions, and I can’t have that. Love is a weakness…and that way of thinking makes no damn sense since I want her to fall in love and be happy. Why don’t I want that for myself? I deserve that. I’m a good person. So, what makes us different?
“What do you mean? You can have sex with anyone,” she says offhandedly, like it’s nothing. Go out and fuck someone else, Harper. It isn’t like Jakob is important to you.
I sit up quickly, and I notice she leans back in her chair and it rolls back. “If you laugh, tell anyone, or even smile, I’ll throw something at you!”
She looks at me wryly but says, “Okay.”
I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. This is my best friend, and maybe if I show some emotion, she’ll realize her feelings, and boom, she’ll get what she always wanted. A good man who loves all of her, even the parts she doesn’t. “I miss sex with Jakob. I miss…him.”
I can see it all over her face. She wants to cry out in celebration, cuddle me to her bosom, and tell me how happy she is. Instead, she covers her mouth and mutters, “Oh.”
I throw up my arms, feeling disgusted with myself as I drop my head back. “I’ve never in my life had this problem, but that damn Russian brought his big ole penis into bed with me, and now no other man even measures up. I miss my Jakey!”
Out of nowhere, tears roll down my face. I look over at Elli for help, but I think she’s as stunned by my tears as I am. “I don’t know what my problem is. I never get like this with guys. I just miss him, you know? Don’t you miss Shea?” I find myself asking, needing some kind of explanation for my emotional outburst.
Maybe I’m about to start my period?
“Oh yeah,” she agrees, her eyes kind. “But I’m in a relationship with him.”
This bitch. I’m supposed to be helping her admit her feelings, not being forced to admit my own!
“Well, yeah. But I mean, I don’t know… I just miss Jakob.” When her lips curve, I glare. I know what I sound like, and I refuse to be pitied! “You’re smiling!”
She isn’t listening to me, though. An email has come in, and then she’s watching some music video. So I head out of the room, wiping my face. I don’t understand what I’m feeling. It’s all a rush. All so confusing. As I head to my desk, I hear the song restart, and I assume it’s from Shea. Who else would send her a song about needing just a kiss from her? Shea is all about Elli, and it’s adorable. So why do I fight how much Jakob is about me? I’m going to push him away and I really don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want anyone to know I don’t want that.
Yes, I am aware I’m a basket case.
When I fall into my desk chair, I find myself reaching for my phone. I dial his number, and when his low, thick Russian accent fills the line, I find myself sighing.
“Hey, kiska.”
Kiska.
I swoon. Like, literally swoon. I’m two seconds from clutching my heart like he did the first time we met. “Hey, what are you doing?”
“Lying in bed, playing on my computer. Shea and Elli are flirting and being disgusting, so I’m ignoring him.”
I grin. “Was that him who sent the video?”
“Oh yeah. I think the song is stupid. I want more than just a kiss.”
“Oh, really? A kiss isn’t enough?”
His voice is deep and sexy. “No, I want all of you.”
I take in a sharp breath. “Oh.”
“Yeah. If you were the kind of woman who would be receptive to music, I would spend hours finding the right song.”
Fuck, he leaves me breathless. “Maybe I am.”
“Yeah?”
“No,” I say quickly, and then I smack myself in the forehead. “I mean, yeah. No. Hell, I don’t know.”
He pauses, and I can hear him move in the bed. “What’s wrong, kiska?”
I cover my face with my hand, exhaling on a rush. “I don’t know, Jakob. I miss you.”
I can actually hear the smile in his voice. “I miss you, my love.”
His love. Ugh. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want this to end. I feel like I’m pushing you away with my own fucked-up way of thinking, and I don’t know how to fix that. But I’ve been hurt left and right, and that’s why I keep men at arm’s length. But apparently, you don’t care about that and keep coming for me, and I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to hurt you or lose you.” I take in a deep breath. “I really don’t understand it either, ’cause my parents are happy and my sisters are in healthy relationships. And then there’s me, being all weird about being in a relationship. I think I want to be in one, but I don’t. I don’t know.”
He doesn’t say a word. He lets me word-vomit, and soon, I am gasping for breath as I hold the phone to my ear. “Jakob?”
“Don’t speak, my love. I don’t want to hear this stuff, because nothing that is easy is worth it. I want this to be hard for you, because when you give in, you’ll truly give in to me.” He leaves me shaking with fear. But a good fear. Not the scary kind. Jakob’s voice is so welcoming, so confident as he says, “If you’re gonna take the chance, if you’re gonna hurt anyone, do it to me. And when we fall, blame it all on me, because that’s what I want. I want you to fall head over heels in love with me and ruin all men because of how much you love me. I want you, only you, Harper.”
I press my lips together as I close my eyes. “Okay.”
“Okay,” he says, and I swear his face is bright with happiness. I don’t have to see it to know it’s true. “Can I take you away when I get back?”
“Away?”
“Yes, I want to go away, just us. No distractions.”
I lick my lips. There is no answer other than “Yes.”
When Jakob said he wanted to take me away, I really didn’t think he was serious about the no-distractions part. He was. We’re in the middle of nowhere, and I’m pretty sure the only signs of life here are bears. I’ve never been to Gatlinburg before, but it’s beautiful. Stunning, really, but I wish there were a Target around. The closest thing is a gas station, and it’s twenty miles away. Jakob came prepared, though, with food galore and card games. Yes, card games, because we’re teenage girls at a sleepover. Or maybe I’m being bitter because he’s beaten me twelve times at Uno.
“Uno,” he says, all proudly.
I glare. “You win. I quit.”
He laughs. “You’re such a sore loser. Come on!”
I change the color to yellow, and this guy puts down a yellow card. His last card, winning the game. Bullshit. I shake my head, throwing down the cards, but before I can complain, he takes me by my ankles and pulls me to him like I don’t weigh anything. Once he has me in his lap, he kisses me ravishingly, and I fall into the kiss. I always do. He holds me by the back of my neck, his cock brushing against my center. When we aren’t playing card games, we’re playing with each other, and that part of the no distractions is really nice.
He tears his mouth from mine and sloppily kisses down my neck. He settles in the crook of my neck and runs his tongue along the hollow part. “Erik and I played all the time. That’s how I’m so good. I used to let him win, though.”
I lean into his head, cradling it as my eyes fall shut. “Can’t let me win, huh?”
“No way. I gotta show off.”
I snort. “You’re such a pain.” I inhale his scent, my body going lax against his. “Your brother is the same age as my sisters. We should hook them up.”
He laughs. “Which one?”
“Probably Reese. Piper is too soft for someone like Erik.”
He nods. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never met them.”
I grin against his forehead. “Well played.”
“I know,” he says simply, kissing my neck. “I think this is the perfect time to ask if I can take you and your family out to dinner when we get back.”
I move my lips along his brow as I tighten my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. We’re basically one big ball, and I refuse to move. “I know my mom would love that. She’s been begging to meet you since Elli told her I was dating you.”
I feel his lips curve. “Elli always has my back.”
“Yes, it’s annoying,” I tease, and he laughs. “Speaking of, apparently dinner with her family did not go well for her and Shea. Her family, minus her dad and uncle, are real pieces of work. They treat Elli like she’s basically a fat cow. It’s annoying as shit. She’s perfect.”
Jakob kisses my neck. “Funny, I think you’re perfect.”
I nuzzle my nose into his hair. “I am far from perfect. You, of all people, should know that.”
“How so?”
“I won’t get where you are.”
“You are where I am. See? You’re in my arms.”