She stepped toward him, closing the distance as he stood his ground. She stared up at him. At the wall he’d erected between them for some reason.
“But when you refuse to be yourself. When you hide what’s important to you—what hurts you, what makes you happy—all those things are part of you, and when you refuse to share those things with me, it shows you don’t feel the same way about me I thought I was feeling about you.”
He didn’t answer, and that in itself told her so much.
“I deserve it all. I deserve all of you, and if you can’t give that to me, then it’s good I found out now. I don’t want to be around you every day for the rest of my life knowing I need more, and that you have it in you, yet you refuse to give it to me.”
She turned on her heel and headed toward the shop, moving quickly in spite of the tears filling her eyes. At her back, there was nothing but silence. Like a gravestone being raised over the relationship she’d hoped for.
It was dead before it truly had a chance to live.
Chapter Thirteen
The complete coldness in her eyes near the end was what made it real. Up until that moment, Len had been holding himself together. His soul hurt, but it hurt less now than it would down the road.
Or at least that’s what he told himself as she walked away. As she walked away and took his fucking heart with her. He refused to give in to the need screaming through him to chase her down and tell her it was all a huge mistake.
Instead he turned and went back to his job, thankful for the monotony of the task because he wasn’t thinking very hard at that moment. He was clinging to control, doubting his decision, but knowing in the end it was the right thing for them both.
Only today there was no joy in the banter with his brothers. No joy in being surrounded by his family.
Len watched carefully as his father drifted through the day, a touch more lively than the previous week. One of his greatest fears was that at some point his father would give in to the memories and never come back. That he’d be desperate enough to do anything to get rid of the pain he carried every day.
Len could only watch and hope, and do everything he damn well could to avoid the same fate.
Signing the final papers for the house purchase a couple days later didn’t provide the kind of relief he’d expected. Maybe once Janey was out of town, he’d be able to get on with his life, and she’d find things to do, and new people to help her be happy in her new situation.
It was for the best even as staying away from her killed him.
His little sister, though, had a few choice words for him as she barged through his apartment door and raced into his face. “Have you gone out of your damn mind? What the hell did you do to Janey?”
“Nothing.”
Katy narrowed her eyes. “So in the past three days, you haven’t seen her?”
Len shook his head.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake. You’re not only an idiot, you’re a coward.”
He frowned. “I bought her house. The housing market is slow, and she needed to get to Calgary so she could get on with her life.”
Katy’s jaw fell open, and she seemed to hesitate for a moment, her gaze darting around the room as she floundered for words. “I stand corrected. You’re an idiot, a coward, and clueless.”
He went back to packing the box in front of him. She could insult him all she wanted, and the words wouldn’t change a thing. It wouldn’t bring Janey back into his life, and the sooner he got over that dream, the easier the weight in his heart would be to carry.
Unfortunately, his little sister was a bit of a terrier. She shuffled up beside him and hopped on the counter so she could glare at him easier. “Let me get this straight. You bought her house so that she could leave Rocky Mountain House quicker.”
He nodded.
Her eyes damn near rolled back in her head. “I wish smacking you would knock some sense into that thick skull of yours.” She leaned forward and spoke slowly. “Janey isn’t leaving.”
A sick sensation grew in his gut. “What are you talking about?”
His little sister spoke slowly, as if giving time for the words to sink in. “She found a job in town. The only reason she was going to Calgary was for work, and now that she’s got something figured out here, she’s staying.”
Len didn’t feel very steady on his feet for a moment, clutching the counter to keep himself upright. “Shit.”
“Shit is right.” Katy folded her arms over her chest. “Len, you’re the only big brother who never tormented me, so I’m going to hope for the best here and assume you don’t realize exactly how cruel what you’ve done is.”
“I’m clueless,” he confessed, echoing her words.
She held up a hand and ticked off fingers. “You spent the summer with Janey, and I’d swear the two of you got along like nobody’s business. You’re good together, Len. All of a sudden, out of the blue, you buy her house. The place you know she loves and was fixing up to sell only because she couldn’t afford to stay in it herself, but it’s home to her like nowhere else has ever been. And then you buy it.
“My first assumption is you have some alternative motive like…oh, I don’t know. How about like you actually want her to move in with you, and that—”
Len swore. “Oh fuck. Is that what Janey thought?”
“I don’t know because other than telling me the bare bones of what happened the other day, my best friend hasn’t said much more than two words in a row—most of the time which are ‘stupid bastard’, by the way. That’s all wrong as well, because Janey being a Sphinx about anything means she’s hurting bad. But there being some grand secret plans for the two of you? That was the first thing I thought when I heard you’d bought the house. Chances are the thought must’ve crossed her mind as well.”
The sick sensation in his gut only got stronger. Especially as Katy continued on her rampage, driving the spike deeper.
“Then, instead of doing something cheesy but romantic like proposing, or at least asking her to set up a love nest with you, you get all excited about how fast she’ll be out of your hair.”
“It wasn’t like that,” Len protested. It hadn’t been like that at all.
“Hey, I’m telling it like I see it. You can have any delusions on the matter all you want, but when it comes down to it, sure looks a lot like you’re shoving her out the door then locking it behind her.” Katy dropped her arms and her expression softened. “If that’s not what you intended, you fucked up big time. But Janey has a huge heart, and if you apologize, I bet she’d forgive you and you could start again.”
A new start was what he wanted so badly, because the thought of leaving her, the realization that he’d hurt her…
Fear flared inside, like a wind fanning the banked coals from years earlier. His father’s hopelessness, the agony of loss. It was too real.
Maybe he and Janey wanted each other now, but some time in the future he’d lose her—there was no getting around that truth. Plus, what she’d shouted at him the other day was real. He’d kept a part of himself from her, and he didn’t think he could ever take down the walls he’d constructed to guard his soul. He’d always be holding back, and she deserved everything.
Janey does damn good renovations.
The temptation was there whispering in his ear, but the sorrows from years earlier were too much to push aside. No matter how much he wanted to change his path, he couldn’t. As much as they were hurting right now, if they went forward they could get over it.
The process would be a lot more hellish with her still living in town, but none of his original reasons for wanting to end their relationship—none of them had changed. He had to stay firm.
He tilted his chin up, stared back without answering.
Katy’s expression grew incredulous. “That’s it. You’re going to remain Mr. Silent and not change a damn thing, aren’t you?”
“I never meant to hurt her. And I mean that.”
He went back to his task of packing, Katy sitting silently beside him. And the longer she sat there without saying anything, the more he understood exactly how annoying silence could be.
Only there were no words that were going to make this better. He’d stay in his silent prison, and eventually the numbness would ease the pain.
Janey popped open the box top to grab a bowl, slopping cereal and milk into it and hitting the living room for supper.
Her new apartment was crowded with furniture and boxes, none of it put in place yet. The guys helping her move everything in hadn’t said much, just silently unloaded her stuff then left.
Everyone in the downtown knew Len had as good as dumped her, and it was as if everyone was holding their breath waiting for the explosion to come. She wasn’t going to blow up, though.
She’d gone so cold inside there was nothing left to burn. Thinking there had been more between them than there was had been a mistake, and it was time to move on.
Without Len.
Her phone rang, and instead of ignoring it like she’d been for the past week, she answered. “Yes, I’m still alive.”
Shannon made soothing noises. “Hell, of course you are. I’m calling to let you know we’re coming over. We gave you the room you asked for. Now, you have to put up with us and let us in.”