If only she could have been mad at him, instead of simply terrified. The sudden realisation of how pathetic she’d been had the tears she’d been holding back flooding over her lids.
‘Oh, Tess.’ Without a pause, Eva placed an arm round her shoulders and gave her a hard hug. ‘Don’t cry. This is not that bad.’
‘How could it be any worse?’ Tess said, the choking sobs lodging in her throat. ‘I got dumped by the most boring man in the universe. I’m pregnant by a guy who I don’t know and who thinks I’m a liar. I don’t have a stable job. Or decent health insurance. I just moved into a flat that costs three thousand two hundred dollars a month.’ She took a deep breath and finally said the thing that she had feared the most. ‘All of which means I should have an abortion. But just the thought of it makes me feel...’ she gulped in air, the hideousness of her situation assailing her for the first time ‘...that I’ve failed. That I’m a stupid, terrible, selfish...’ The sobs finally burst out of her mouth, the warmth of Eva’s arms only making her feel like more of a fraud. She didn’t deserve Eva’s sympathy. She didn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy.
‘Shh.’
At long last the sobs eased off, and Eva shifted back. The dampness in her friend’s eyes almost set Tess off again, but she refused to give in to the pity party.
‘The first thing you need to ask yourself is do you want to have an abortion?’ Eva asked softly.
‘I don’t think so,’ Tess answered instinctively. The tears spilled over again. ‘I’ve been trying really hard to pretend it’s not a baby. Not yet. But the minute I knew, I felt...’ she paused, lifted tear-soaked eyes to her friend ‘...different somehow. Connected. But I’m not sure I have any other options,’ she said dully. The one thing she couldn’t be now was insane. She’d been insane enough already.
Eva glanced at her son, who was happily bouncing in his swing like a gymnast going for Olympic gold. And then looked back at her, the smile in her eyes oddly peaceful. ‘If you want the baby, you should have it. Everything else is just logistics.’
Tess looked up at Eva, her heart shattering. If only it were that simple. ‘I can’t have it.’ But even as she finally said the words, she knew that it wasn’t an It any more, however hard she’d tried to make it one. It was a baby. It was her baby. And the fear of what she would have to do rose up her throat and wrapped its claws round her neck.
‘Yes, you can, Tess,’ said Eva gently. ‘This is your panic talking. You need to stop and think. You’re going to have to change your life, but all we’re talking about here is practicalities. You’ve got seven months to sort your life out before it arrives. And don’t forget you happen to be a master at planning for special events.’
The seconds ticked by as Tess struggled not to hope. ‘That is true.’
Eva took her hands, squeezed tight. ‘You don’t have to make the decision right away. But it is an option. One you should consider properly.’
Tess took a shuddering breath and placed her palm on her stomach, the feeling of connection that she’d tried to deny all morning surging back full force. ‘I do want to have it.’ Just being able to admit the truth out loud made the nausea settle. ‘But it’s not just the practicalities, the lifestyle changes I’ll have to make.’ That had just been a convenient excuse really, she could see that now. ‘How do I know I’ll be any good at it? Being a mother, I mean?’
Eva sighed. ‘You don’t. No one does. Not until they’ve had kids. Everyone has to learn parenthood on the job.’ A smile lit up her features. ‘It’s exciting and terrifying and exhausting and never, ever easy, but that’s what makes it the grandest adventure of your life.’
‘B-but you’re so good at it. Look at Carmy,’ Tess stammered. ‘You’re a natural. I’m not sure I am.’ Her own mother had died so long ago she could barely remember her. And her father had hardly filled the gap.
‘That’s sweet, Tess, but you have no idea how many mistakes Nick and I have made with Carmine. Luckily for us, he’s surprisingly forgiving of all our faults. All you can really promise a child is that you’ll love them. And that you’ll do the best you can. You’ll figure out the rest. You’re not stupid.’ Her pure blue eyes brightened with enthusiasm. ‘And we’ll help. You have friends. A support network and there’s always the possibility the father will want to help when he’s got used to the—’