‘Tess, this last month or so you’ve been glowing. I’ve honestly never seen you so happy. And more than that, you’ve been calm and focused and content too.’ The sincerity in Eva’s voice only made Tess’s chin quiver more. She clenched her teeth. ‘I thought it was your new business, and this house, and probably the pregnancy.’
‘Well, it probably is,’ Tess whispered, her throat raw as she clutched at straws. But all of a sudden she couldn’t seem to make the lie stick any more.
How could she have been so idiotic? To let this happen? Now? When it was the last thing she needed?
‘But it’s not those things, is it?’ Eva asked, but it wasn’t really a question. ‘Or not just those things. It’s him too. It’s Firecracker Guy?’
Tess sniffed, and pulled some tissues out of the cabinet. ‘Please stop calling him that.’ She blew her nose loudly, concentrated on folding the tissue into a tiny square. The funny name didn’t fit any more, because this had suddenly become deadly serious.
‘I don’t get it,’ Eva said. ‘Why are you upset? You’re having a baby together. You’re enjoying each other’s company. You’re having mega-fantastic sex. Why can’t this be the start of something wonderful?’
‘Because we agreed, this would be strictly friends with benefits.’
‘Friends with...’ Eva sucked her teeth in disgust. And Carmine burbled as if he were trying to mimic her. ‘What does that even mean?’
‘It made sense at the time,’ she said lamely, still not sure why it didn’t make sense any more.
Hadn’t she jumped at the opportunity too, the chance to have her cake and eat it without having to worry about picking up the crumbs afterwards? That had been the idea: that they could enjoy themselves and not think about the emotional implications. And Nate wasn’t the only one who had wanted it nice and simple and not too involved or overwhelming. She’d wanted it that way too, to keep her emotions out of the mix. She’d had no problem doing that all through her twenties. And now she’d reached twenty-seven. And bam. She’d managed to get accidentally pregnant. And then double bam. Her emotions sneak up and smack her over the head to boot.
It was her worst nightmare. Regressing to that mass of seething emotions and hurt feelings she’d suffered in her teens.
She perched on the side of the bathtub, her head starting to hurt. ‘I feel like such a stupid cliché.’
‘Why?’
Tess finally risked a look at Eva, whose sympathetic expression only made her feel more like crumpling into a heap. ‘I can’t believe I fell for him when he’s all wrong for me.’
‘Why is he wrong for you? And what’s clichéd about falling in love?’
Tess winced at the use of the L word. Was that what this was?
‘Why is he wrong for me?’ she repeated, determined to make sense of the feelings churning inside her. ‘Let me see... For starters, I like my independence and he wants to be in charge. I can be impulsive, and he’s very big on responsibility. None of which is going to make for an ideal relationship.’
‘There is no such thing as an ideal relationship,’ Eva countered. ‘People are not magically made for each other—that’s the real cliché. It kicks off with mutual attraction and then you have to work everything else out from there.’
If only that were true. But it wasn’t going to be as simple for her and Nate as it had been for Nick and Eva. Nick and Eva hadn’t been saddled with making a major commitment because of a faulty condom. She and Nate had the responsibility of a baby to think about as well as themselves. And she wasn’t sure she had the guts to risk screwing up the only relationship in her life that would always matter, for the sake of a relationship that might not.
‘Tess, have you even spoken to him about how you feel?’
‘Of course not!’ This bit at least was fairly simple. ‘It’s only been a couple of months. And I’m not even sure how I do feel. Love seems like too strong a word.’
Eva sent her a doubtful look. ‘Okay, if you say so, but can I give you a bit of advice?’
Tess waited a beat. ‘Yes, okay.’ Given how confused she felt at the moment, she could probably do with all the advice she could get.
‘Don’t let him take the lead on this. I let Nick do that, because I was too insecure and too timid to stand up for myself, or to make any demands. I let him walk away from me and it wasn’t until he came back that I finally had the guts to tell him what I wanted.’
‘But that’s just it,’ Tess said. ‘I’m not sure what I want.’