‘Livy?’ he whispers softly.
‘Hmmm?’
‘No matter what happened, you really are my sweet girl. Nothing will change that.’
My eyes open and I find the energy to respond. ‘I’m a woman, Miller,’ I say, needing him to realise I’m no girl. I’m a woman and I have needs, and one of those needs – the biggest one – is now Miller Hart.
Chapter 20
It was inevitable that he would abandon me. All his actions, reassuring words and comfort were far too good to be true. I should have known that from the guilt plaguing his face when he stopped me from leaving. I wish he’d never come after me. I wish he’d never let his compassion take over and force him into comforting me. It’s made it so much harder to bear. The darkness is constant and the agony relentless. Everything hurts – my brain for thinking too much, my body for missing his touch and my eyes for not seeing him. I’m not sure how long it has been since he left me. Days. Weeks. Months. It could be longer.
I dare not venture from my silent darkness. I dare not present my injured soul to the world, which puts me further into seclusion than I ever was before I met Miller Hart.
Tears start to pour from my eyes. Visions of my mother’s face morph into mine, and my head jerks from the lash of my nan’s palm slapping my face.
‘Livy?’
‘Leave me alone,’ I sob, pulling my numb body onto my stomach and hiding my tear-drenched face in the pillow.
‘Livy.’ Hands start to pull at my body and I fight them away, not wanting to face anyone or anything. ‘Livy, please.’
‘Get off me!’ I scream, thrashing my body aimlessly everywhere.
‘Livy!’
I’m suddenly pinned to the mattress, my flailing hands held firmly by my sides.
‘Livy, open your eyes.’
My head starts shaking and my eyes clench tighter. I’m not ready to face the world yet – probably never will be. My arms are released and my head held still, then the familiar softness of slow-moving lips are on my mouth, and I can hear the low hum that I love so much.
My eyes fly open and I scramble to sit up – shocked, disorientated and sweating. I’m having heart palpitations and I can’t see anything with my wild hair messy and falling all over my face. ‘Miller?’ My hair is pushed from my eyes and he slowly comes into my line of sight, concern etched all over his impossibly beautiful face.
‘I’m here, Livy.’
Awareness finally hits me and I launch myself onto his kneeling body, knocking him to his back. I’m deranged but relieved, terrified but calm.
It was just a dream.
A dream that made me feel all too vividly how it might be if he’s gone. ‘Promise me you won’t abandon me,’ I mumble. ‘Promise me you’re not going anywhere.’
‘Hey, whatever’s brought this on?’
‘Just say it.’ I sink my face into his neck, unwilling to let him go. I’ve had dreams before, I’ve woken up and wondered if they’ve really happened, but this was different. This was frighteningly real. I can still feel the ache in my chest and the panic engulfing me, even now when he’s got me firmly in his arms.
It takes some effort on his part, but he eventually prises my clawed fingers from his back and detaches me from his body. Sitting up and placing me between his thighs, he circles my neck completely with his palms and tilts my head until our gazes lock, mine brimming with tears, his with tenderness. ‘I’m not your mother,’ he says firmly.
‘It hurt so much.’ I’m sobbing, trying to reassure myself that it was just a dream – a stupid, stupid dream.
His face falls. ‘Your mother walked out on you, Livy. Of course it hurt.’
‘No.’ I shake my head in his hold. ‘That doesn’t hurt any more.’ This new fear has drowned any sense of abandonment that I felt before. ‘I’m better off without her.’ He winces, his eyes closing painfully at my harshness. I don’t care. ‘I’m talking about you,’ I whisper. ‘You left me.’ I’m aware that I sound needy and weak, but my desperation is crippling me. Compared to how I’m feeling now, coping with my mother’s abandonment seems like a breeze. Miller’s shown me comfort. He’s accepted me. ‘I’ve never felt pain like it.’
‘Livy—’
‘No.’ I cut him off. He needs to know. I move from his personal space, shifting myself across the bed so I’m out of touching distance.
‘Livy, what are you doing?’ he asks, reaching for me. ‘Come here.’
‘You need to know something,’ I murmur nervously, refusing to meet his eyes.