One Hundred and Thirty-Six Scars(3)

I never did know what it was that they pumped us with through the silver needles I’d become so accustomed to. The bright green liquid that glowed from the cannula was usually one of the last things you’d see. But whatever they had done, I never remembered much of what happened from before the needle. They would wipe away any of our short term memories, in large chunks. I may have only be fourteen and I may already be severely broken, but deep inside me, there was a little boy who wished he could have known who his mom was. Did she know that she was dropping me off to a government organization that referred to themselves as The Army? I’d like to think not, but the truth is, I just didn’t know. No-one knew about this organization simply because it didn’t exist. We were off the radar living in our own community in God knows where. I have been here since I was a baby, training since I could walk, and having serum pumped through me as they attempted new ways that they could genetically engineer the human race. I don’t know much else of what goes on, because after we carried out a mission, we are all required in the dungeon where they put us under until we come back out. We never remember what had happened before a line-up, just leaving the base to do a mission, before everything chops out in smudged oiled blurs. My life runs off black holes, I don’t even know if I existed during that time. The new recruits that come in, they break them and then remake them as their own. Not me though, I was born broken, all they had to do was train me.





Flashback – Beast’s Mom




I pulled down the ceramic toilet cover after doing my business and took a seat. I scanned around the room, hoping that if I looked anywhere but at that little white stick, it would change. With my palms sweaty and my heart rate in overdrive, I squeezed onto the white stick and began weighing up my options. There was no way I could keep this baby if I were pregnant, and there was no way I could go to Luce about it either. That would bring too much shame to my family. My dad is the pastor of our community church and my mom stands beside him like a good strong woman. Being raised in Las Vegas, there had always been temptation. But I was a good girl, I’d never done wrong—until I meet Luce. How could I have been so stupid? I was disappointed in myself. Just like Eve, I ate the damn apple and now I’m about to be punished. If my parents ever found out that not only was I pregnant, but the father of said child was the President of The Devil’s Own Motorcycle Club, the Devil is not who I’d need to be afraid of. However, there was the possibility that this could all be for nothing. I could be panicking for nothing. Breathing in deeply, I stood from my spot and walked in front of the large glass mirror. After many deep breaths, my eyes drifted down to the white stick. And there, in that little window, showed just how over my life really was.





Nine Months Later




“Ma’am? Ma’am, you need to leave unless you want to pay for another room,” the motel owner said, knocking from the other side of the wooden door. I looked to the little alarm clock which sat on the cane bedside table and sighed. Could he not have waited until at least late morning to kick me out?

I swung my legs over the bed and waddled my way to the wooden door, grasping the metal knob and pulling it open. “I will be gone this morning,” I said to him.

“All right, good,” he answered rudely. I slammed the door in his face, rubbing my very large belly.

“It’s okay, big boy, Mama has found you a really nice home,” I spoke directly to him. I do it anytime I can. I read somewhere that while you’re pregnant, the baby knows his mom’s voice. After finding out that I was pregnant, I packed up all my belongings and told my parents I was going to spend ten months on a Bible tour around the US, and they bought it. They had no reason not to. I’d never done anything to betray their trust before. Not like other seventeen-year-old girls my age.

So after I packed up my belongings, I got in contact with Bethy. Bethy and I formed a close friendship over the time I spent with Luce. She was one of their club escorts. They called them another name, but Bethy wasn’t like that. Once I let her know what was happening, she slapped me for getting pregnant and then gave me a number to call. She said they’re a good Catholic adoption center who specialized in moms who wanted to stay off the books. They had an enormous list of loving families that don’t want to wait on a waiting list to have their dream come true. I took the number and after a long talk with Nun Nancy, I was good to go. All I had to do, was hide away for nine months.

When I went into labor, it was planned that I would go to their clinic to have the baby and they would take over from there. It was a huge relief to know that my baby would be going to a good home, a home that would never outcast him for his own personal beliefs. I would like to say that maybe one day I hoped to meet him, but I don’t. I don’t deserve to know this little joy I have growing inside of me. I have failed as a mother and as a woman—that was how I felt anyway.