I cried my fair share of nights after speaking on the phone with Jordan. Every time we spoke, he told me how much he really wanted me to come home. He missed being able to spend time with me. I promised him I’d be home in a week, and that we’d go out when I returned.
“For pizza and ice cream?” He bargained. Knowing Hollis, Jordan ate Spaghetti-Os every night and Cheerios every morning. He was nowhere near a cook and deferred those duties to me.
“Pizza and ice cream,” I promised, smiling to him on Facetime.
The night before I left for California, Rose clapped her hands with joy when I told her I decided it was time to move back to Texas.
“That’s awesome!” She squealed. “You can help me with the wedding!”
“Well, not so fast,” I said. “This won’t be immediate. I have to square things away back on base. I have to inform my job, and give them 30 days’ notice. Then I have to get all my things sold or placed in storage.”
“And you have to get with your lawyer, and file for divorce,” Rose chimed in. Her statement was more of an inquiry. She looked in my eyes, seeking an answer to her unspoken questions.
I drew in a deep breath, filling my belly with the question, and mindfully exhaling – the way she’d taught me to do in order to quell anxiety – so I could articulate my answer in the most truthful way possible.
“I don’t know about that yet.” The bruises, even though they’d healed, were fresh in my mind. And there were times I still touched the spot on the back of my head where Hollis slammed me against the wall. He was still indignant, uncooperative, and seemingly careless without me. But I was still his wife. I still loved him, and I still had high hopes of us reconciling and completing our family with the little girl I always wanted. I knew living together was no longer healthy for us, but I was not convinced it was time to pull the plug on our relationship.
Rose didn’t seem to like my answer, but she nodded nonetheless. She was a strong and aggressive, passionate woman, but she was also understanding and empathetic. That’s why it was so easy to talk to her about this.
“Well, when you come back, you know you’re welcome to stay here until you get on your feet. Especially if you continue to make lamb chops.” She rubbed her tummy and licked her chops, commenting on how flavorful they were. “Send me your resume. Are we connected on LinkedIn? I may have some connections for you, some people who could give you work when you return.”
“Nobody gets a job that easily,” I said. “I’ve only been a librarian for the past few years.”
“Connections and pull, girl. Connections and pull.”
Chapter 19: Rose
“Babe, I understand. But I can’t force him to talk about their issues if he doesn’t want to.”
“Yeah, but I’m telling you I saw the marks. She didn’t look good. That’s your sister-in-law. She’s your family too.”
“I know,” Ellis sighed. “I just haven’t been able to get through to him. He refuses to discuss their relationship. Frankly, I’m tired of talking about them. I want to talk to my wife. How are you doing?”
It was the middle of another stormy day in Dallas. October was moving at a rapid pace, and November was coming right around the corner, with all the holidays in tow. I realized this would be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without Ellis, and my heart fastened to the anchor of sadness in my stomach.
I’m okay.” I sighed deeply. “I just miss you so much.”
“I know baby I miss you too. Hold on for just a couple more months. I’ll be right back in your arms, fucking you hard and deep - passionately the way you’d like.” He was clearly trying to change the subject, because he was sick and tired of talking about Hollis, Natalia, and they are violent sexless life.
Their drama I had such an effect on our life, especially because Natalia had been staying with me. We curved our sexual talking while she visited. I spent a lot of time dealing with her, comforting her, and making sure she was okay. I didn't want to be selfish and have Skype sex with her in the other room. I didn’t even know if she would be able to hear me if I did.
After another round of Skype sex, where Ellis and I pleasured each other visually and aurally, I asked him to keep a promise.
“What, babe?”
“Promise you’ll never shut me out if you ever decide you’ve fallen out of love. Don’t keep me hanging in the balance. Tell me, so we can fix it or I can move on.”
Ellis and I were balls deep in love now, but life had a crazy way of changing things. You could be head over heels in love today and so far removed from it tomorrow. Hollis and Natalia were perfect examples of that. The pain once evident in her spirit was a bone chilling realization, and proof this was something I never wanted to experience for myself.