I shook my head as I caught myself staring at him. He walked with a slight nervousness to his gait, clasping and releasing his hands from a fist. His nervous habits sheltered his attractiveness. If I wasn’t happily married and head over heels, maybe he’d have an opportunity. Perhaps just one night.
Hey, I was married, not dead, remember?
Chapter 15: Natalia
I should have taken the offer to go to Dallas with Ro when I had the chance. Instead, I was foolish enough to wait, determined to see if I could reason with my husband about the current discord in our marriage. In a way, I’m glad I did, because I woke up in San Bernardino, with a clear understanding that I needed space.
Kelli and I sat up for half the night discussing my options. It killed me to leave, but there was no way I could stay and think clearly. The more I tried to get to the truth with Hollis, the more hostile and volatile life became. Jordan had already witnessed enough, and I couldn’t stand to show him this side of us. Marriage is not supposed to be this cold and ugly.
Kelli maintained a sense of pragmatism about Hollis’s infidelity. “But I’ve come to this place where I realize all men fall off the horse. It’s human nature. It just so happens that some of these men just happen to fall off and land right between another woman’s legs.”
“He wasn’t with another woman,” I countered. I was coming to my senses and gathering my bearings, but I was still in disbelief that my husband romantically courted another man – while looking me dead in the face and accusing me of cheating.
Anger built as I realized that’s where those cheating accusations came from – the fact that he was cheating, and looking for a reason to displace his own guilt. And even though I knew in my heart, there was nothing I personally did to drive him away, I still felt like I let this happen. But every time I voiced any sense of guilt, Kelli shot me down, refusing to give credence to it.
“You are not responsible for that man’s behavior. The state of your marriage, and your family, yes – it’s your responsibility to make choices and decisions that are proactive to giving you and Jordan a healthy life. But to make yourself the central piece of blame on his decision to step out is unhealthy and unacceptable. He chose to act out in that manner instead of communicating with you. That’s a reflection of his character, not yours.”
We washed up and hit the road around 7 AM, despite going to sleep after 2 AM. I had to admit that while I wasn’t keen on taking them at first, Kelli’s Xanax pills did allow me to regain a sense of calm in the midst of the storm swirling around me.
I nibbled my way through a strawberry cupcake from Sweet Pea and Me as Kelli drove back towards the base. We shared a couple of laughs, and discussed what I would do.
I had at least 30 days of paid vacation available. The end of the pay period was this Friday. I had enough in my savings account to last for a while, and my bills were pretty minimal. Aside of clothing for Jordan, and things around the house, I didn’t need to spend much. Hollis’s job took care of the major requirements, and I chipped in on our cell phone bill, which was on a family plan.
I would approach my boss, and inform her that I would need to go on immediate vacation next week. I’d explain there was a family emergency taking place, and that I needed time to take care of that. I didn’t believe the conflict would allow me to impose the Family Medical Leave Act, so I wouldn’t press for this.
I would go visit Rose. I didn’t want to speak to my family about this, because I had none. My parents split when I was young, and I have no real fond memories or interaction with my father; he completely ignored me when he married his wife and they had children. If anything, I was an afterthought. My mother passed away from breast cancer just two years ago. As an only child, I was truly alone in this world aside of Hollis and Jordan.
This panicked part of me feared taking this step. I dreaded leaving in this manner, even for a small while, would only perpetuate a cycle of abandonment. I didn’t want to leave Jordan in California, even if it was only for 30 days. But I couldn’t afford to take him with me. I didn’t want to keep him apart from his father, and the friends he’d made either.
My heart broke again when I remembered how teary-eyed and angry he was when he witnessed Hollis hit me. How he ran screaming into the house to make sure I was okay, and how reluctant he was to let me go with Kelli, despite the fact I told him “Mommy was coming back.”
***
Getting through the day was surprisingly more effortless than I’d imagined. Jordan had already been taken to daycare, thanks to Kristophe, who had gotten some of his things the night before. Hollis wasn’t home; thank God, because I wasn’t ready to see him until I’d packed and walked out.