Life was so different now, yet when the stress wore us down, she still kept the Oreos in the top cabinet. I retrieved the snack that kept us awake during the colic, teethings, bouts of colds, flus, ear infections…
Mom passed me a glass of milk and sat beside me.
“What’s going on, Lachlan?”
It would have been less pathetic to run back to my mother, upset and crying. Instead I faced her like a man, one bound to disappoint her again.
“You know…” I crumbled the cookie to dust. “I never thanked you. For everything.”
“You’re here at eleven o’clock at night to thank me?” She stifled a yawn. “Son, a text would have sufficed.”
“No, I mean…” The cookie dust tumbled everywhere. Mom sighed. I didn’t let her clean it up. “Thank you. For what you did. Taking in Sebastian. Packing everything up and traveling to another state so you could be close to me in college. Cheering me on. You’re the reason I got where I am.”
Mom had gotten older, and more than a few of the greys in her hair were my fault. Still, she squeezed my face in her hands and smiled, as bright as ever.
“It’s nothing a mother wouldn’t have done for her son.” She tapped my nose. “It’s what any parent would do for their son.”
“I wish I had done more.”
She rapped on the kitchen wall. “I think you’ve done more than you realize.”
“It’ll never be enough. I didn’t do this right. I never should have given him up.”
“I know it’s hard for you to see, especially after all our dreams have come true, but we did it, Lachlan. The hard work and harder decisions paid off.”
She gestured to the multitude of Ironfield Rivets trinkets, magnets, and various memorabilia scattered around the kitchen. Her collection was starting to rival Elle’s.
“You’re a professional football player,” she said. “Don’t believe what the media says, and don’t you dare get discouraged. Achieving your goal isn’t frightening. What’s scary is holding onto it, worrying that somehow, someway, you’ll lose it all. But this is your success, Lachlan. Embrace it.”
“It’s not mine,” I said. “It’s yours and Bast’s. I had to get here. I had to make it.
Mom sighed. “It wasn’t a mistake for you to keep living your life. It was the only way to give Bast the life he deserves.”
“I want to do more than just give you money.”
“Neither Sebastian nor I ever wanted money from you. He just wants you. You don’t even realize how much he idolizes you. You’re everything to him. No, he doesn’t call you Daddy, but he knows how much he is loved.”
My chest tightened. “I should have been more involved.”
“The door was never shut. You have every right to be here as much as you like. He’s getting older now, and he’s going to need you more and more.”
I rubbed my neck. The tension was practically crushing me. One good clip from a linebacker and I wouldn’t have to worry about getting cut—I’d be killed.
“Should I…” I swallowed. “Should I tell him I’m his father?”
“That’s up to you,” she said.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“You’re asking if you should confuse a five-year-old boy to ease your conscience?”
“That’s not…”
“Will it make any difference if you tell him? Can you love him any more if he knew the truth? Would it make his life any easier, any better?”
I didn’t have to think about it. “No. There’s no way I could love him more.”
“Then you have your answer, for now, while he’s little.”
And when he got older? When he learned the truth? He’d be upset. Mad. Betrayed.
But he’d never be able to say I wasn’t there to help him.
Mom touched my cheek. “I am so proud of the man you’ve become.”
“You shouldn’t be.”
“Why?”
Christ. If I didn’t say it, the stress would probably pop an artery. “Elle’s pregnant.”
Mom’s reaction to this pregnancy was better than her last. She reached for an Oreo to eat instead of the nearest newspaper to beat me with.
“Well…” The cookie lowered. She cleared her throat. “You are apparently…very virile, son.”
“Science could study me.”
“I really rather they don’t.”
I stared at my hands. “I’m in love with her.”
“That’s an improvement over the last time.”
“And I’m going to take care of her.”