On the Other Side(89)

Karen looked confused. “I don’t understand, baby. How can you blame abuse on the woman?”

“Mom, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m not placing blame. I consider the underlying problem a disease. The actual physical abuse is a symptom. Each party shares in the illness. Choosing the abuser and continuing to stay in that abusive relationship is the way in which the person suffers from the illness. The actual unhealthy choice is symptomatic of the illness. The man who abuses also has an illness. In my work I have chosen to deal with the woman. That’s why I’ve added a component to our assistance programs that makes a certain number of psychotherapy sessions mandatory. You both know, research is my forte. That’s exactly what I did. I researched all of this. I gathered all my statistics and I put together a business plan; the same as I’ve always done.

“Did you know that without help, girls who witness domestic violence are more vulnerable to abuse as adults; and boys who witness domestic violence are much more likely to become abusers of their partners and children as adults, thus continuing the cycle of violence in the next generation? Statistically, a woman who has been in an abusive relationship is more likely to be in the same sort of relationships over and over again, without help. When something keeps happening, you have to ask yourself what is the common denominator. I may at some point consider programs for men that are abusers, but I’m not quite ready for that yet. I’ve still got my own wounds to mend. The statistics I read about men lead me to believe that at some point it will be important for me to add a program specifically for men. Otherwise, my efforts would not be complete.”

“What is the explanation for your illness? You never witnessed any abuse in our household. Your father never hit me.”

“He didn’t, but I do think the relationship you and Daddy shared played a part in my path.”

“How can you say that?”

“Don’t get me wrong, Mom. You and Daddy were wonderful parents. In fact, you were as close to perfect as parents can get. Do you know what a hard act that is to follow? That’s why I found it so difficult to let go of Neal. Somewhere in my head, I believed it would be a personal failure, if I couldn’t make my marriage last as long as yours did with Daddy. I also think that is part of the reason I’ve always been so resistant to having children. How could I ever hope to be as good a mother as you have been? I now realize that I can drive my own drive, so to speak. I don’t have to keep up with anyone. All I need to do is be the best Damita I can be.”

“I get it. I’m very proud of you, baby girl, but I hope you are also managing to take some time to have a little fun.”

“I am, Mom. I’ve even been considering dating again.”

“Hallelujah!” Carmella exclaimed.

Damita laughed. “Wow, look who’s found religion.”

“Let me guess who inspired this shift?”

“It’s not a shift. All good things happen in time. I needed a break from dating. As women, we spend so much time looking for a man, cultivating a relationship with a man and maintaining that relationship that we often lose ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with choosing someone to share your life with, as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. Sometimes you have to take the time to do you. Every woman should.”

“By the way, where is the inspiration for this shift you’re not having?”

“If you’re referring to Daniel, he saw some of his colleagues on the way in. He’ll be here in a minute.”

“Well, all I have to say is, when and if you do decide to end your dry spell, Danny Boy looks like a good candidate.”

“Do you ever stop?” Damita asked.

“No. That’s exactly why you love me.”

“It’s one of the many reasons.”

“Damita, are you sure you’re ready for this?” Carmella asked.

“Am I ready for what?”

“All this nine-eleven stuff can be a bit overwhelming. I cried for weeks after that date. In the first few hours your mother and I were a wreck. We kept hoping that the phone would ring and it would be you. Brandon had already died a few months before and I knew his brother was a firefighter. Brandon and Daniel’s mother was a mess. Your mom was a mess. We all waited together, hoping that phone would ring. It was horrible. When Daniel called his mother I remember your mom breaking down. Remember Karen? Finally, I stopped watching television or reading the newspapers. Every time someone mentioned nine-eleven, I snapped at everyone so badly, eventually people stopped talking about it in my presence. I can’t imagine what it must have been like being there and trying to make it out alive. If I were you, I don’t know if I would ever want to talk about it or remember it ever again.”