“I hear you,” Wendy agreed.
• • •
For at least a week Damita spent some time weighing her options before she decided that her first instinct was probably the best instinct. She was all set to set up an appointment to terminate the pregnancy, when she suddenly had second thoughts. She thought about how difficult things had been when she and Neal first got married and how much things had changed in a relatively short period of time. She knew it was difficult for Neal to admit he had a problem. Even though he had left rehab earlier than the facility would have liked, she was grateful that he had even gone. Since he’d come home Damita could see him trying. She watched him fight the urge to return to his old habits and it meant so much to her that he tried. She thought about what she was considering doing and realized that no matter how much she tried to justify it, her plan was to lie to Neal. She was going to have an abortion and never tell him that she had been pregnant. She felt overwhelming guilt and wondered if she was being selfish. She considered having the baby, which she knew would make Neal very happy. But, then she thought about the lifetime commitment of bringing another life into the world. The other consideration was to tell Neal that she was pregnant and was going to have an abortion. When she thought about what that conversation would be like, she realized why she wanted to lie.
After mulling it all over, Damita decided that no matter what her decision was she would need to see a doctor. She made an appointment and since it didn’t make sense to go back to work, given the time of day, she went home. She walked in just in time to see Neal doing something with her birth control pills. He was removing some of the pills and replacing them with something else. She realized it wasn’t the pills that hadn’t done their job. Neal was sabotaging her birth control. She backed away from the bedroom door quietly to ensure he didn’t see her.
Her decision was made. The next day Damita set up an appointment to terminate the pregnancy and spoke with Wendy and asked her whether she would still go with her to have the procedure done.
“What helped you make up your mind?” Wendy asked.
“Something a friend once told me about a leopard never changing its spots.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Damita decided not to go to her own doctor to get an abortion and instead chose to go to a private clinic.
When she arrived with Wendy she stopped at the front desk and Wendy found a seat in the waiting room. A rather portly Hispanic woman, wearing a blue uniform with ducks all over it, handed Damita a clipboard and a cup.
“Please go to the restroom and give us a urine sample. Wipe front to back with one of the sealed packets in the restroom, then use the cup to get your sample. Make sure it’s not the first stream. Urinate just a little, then catch the second stream. When you’re done, write your name on the label on the cup. There will be something to write with in the bathroom. Bring the sample back to me. Then, have a seat in the waiting room and fill out these forms. Wait for your name to be called. I’ll also need you to sign in here,” the woman said, pointing out another clipboard with a long list of names.
Damita sat next to Wendy and began filling out the rather lengthy set of forms. When she was done, she looked around the antiseptic-looking waiting room. All over the walls were pictures of women and children. There were advertisements about STDs and pregnancy options. She turned her focus away from the office and to the women sitting in the office. Some of the women appeared sad, others worried. Damita wondered why she wasn’t feeling any of those things. She looked at the assortment of men in the office, and couldn’t help but feel anger toward them. She didn’t know any of the men there or their circumstances. However, she despised them all for no other reason than the fact that they were men. Throughout her life, Damita had encountered women that many considered man haters. She never wanted nor expected to ever be one of those women. Yet, here she was feeling unreasonable hate against people she didn’t even know. Wendy kept reassuring her because she thought that’s what she needed. But, what Damita really needed was to confront Neal. She felt so manipulated by him. He had used coercion to get what he wanted. He hadn’t changed a bit. She wanted him to know that he hadn’t won.
The woman who handed her the clipboard called her name.
“Ms. Whitmore, are you done with your paperwork?”
“Yes,” Damita responded, from across the room.
“Please come with me.”
Damita approached the desk, handed the woman the clipboard and then followed the woman to the back of the office.
Damita received some counseling and information from a tall female social worker with dirty-blonde hair, who seemed charged with the role of reassuring her. Damita listened to her voice and decided that she was probably Jewish. The social worker then brought Damita back to the woman at the front desk, who was wearing the duck uniform and she paid for the procedure. After that she was ushered to another room where she put on two medical gowns and was given an ultrasound by a slim, stone-faced East Indian woman, before being retrieved by yet another woman. This time it was a short, round-looking black woman, wearing a pale green uniform with pants that made a squishing sound when she walked. Damita wondered why so many people were required for one procedure. Soon, it was time for the actual procedure. The doctor doing the procedure was the only man she had seen other than the husbands and boyfriends sitting in the waiting room. She wondered if there were no men working there because of the nature of the procedures being performed. Shortly after lying on her back and putting her legs in stirrups, the doctor performed a pelvic examination. As many times as she had been to a gynecologist, lying on a table, naked, with your legs spread-eagle while someone explored your most private area, never got easy. The pelvic exam she was receiving was by far the worst she had ever had. She tried to stare at the ceiling above and take deep breaths in order to calm herself. Finally, she was instructed by the anesthesiologist to count back from one hundred, signaling her entry into La-La Land.