Our house, though plainly furnished, was clean and tidy. Homework was done at the kitchen table, under her gaze. She went to all the parent events at school. When we walked through a parking lot or across the Main Street and Elm intersection, she held my hand, but otherwise, there wasn't a lot of physical affection. When I was very little and she gave me my bath, sometimes she'd put the washcloth on my head and tell me I had fancy hat. Otherwise, she was simply there. And don't get me wrong. I knew how important that was.
She loved me, sure. But my sister... Well, Lily was magical.
My sister was twelve months and one day younger than I was, and different in every way. My hair was brown and coarse, not quite curly, not quite straight; Lily's was black and fine. My eyes were a murky mix of brown and green; Lily's were a clear, pure blue. I was solid and tall, like our mother; Lily was a fairy child, with knobby elbows and blueish-white skin. Lily often got carried, snuggled up on Mom's sturdy hip. When I asked if I could be carried, too, Mom told me I was her big girl.
I loved my sister. She was my baby, too, despite the scant year between us. I loved her chick-like hair, her eyes, her skinny little body snuggled against mine when she crept into my bed after a bad dream. I loved being older, bigger, stronger.
Those early years... They were so sweet. When I thought of them now, my heart pulls at the simplicity of it. Back when Lily loved me. Back when my parents didn't fight. Back before Mom's heart was encased in concrete.
Back when Dad was here.
My father had a mysterious job, something Lily and I called "businessing." Dad wasn't an islander; he'd been born in the magical city of New York but grew up in Maine. He had an office and a secretary in town. I later learned he sold insurance.
But when I was about six, just starting all-day school, he started working from home. He took over our little den and worked on a computer, the first one we ever had. He was writing a book, he said, and he'd be around for us a lot more. Lily and I were thrilled. Both parents home? It'd be like the weekend all the time.
Except it wasn't. There were a lot of terse conversations between our parents; we couldn't hear the words from the bedroom Lily and I shared, but we could feel the mood, the energy between our parents brittle and tight, humming with unspoken words.
Mom took a job as manager at the Excelsior Pines, the big hotel at one end of Scupper. She'd always kept books for half a dozen local businesses, her calculator tapping into the night, but now she left the house before we got on the bus and didn't get back till suppertime.
Life changed on a dime. Before this, we'd only see Dad for an hour or two each day. Now he seemed completely dedicated to making fun for Lily and me. After school, he'd be waiting for the school bus, would toss us in the back of the truck and we'd go adventuring. No "wash your hands," "start your homework," "here's your apple." No, sir.
Instead, we'd hike up Eagle Mountain, pretending to be on the run from the law. We explored the tidal caves on the wild side of the island, wondering if we could live there, surviving on mussels, like the Passamaquoddy Indians Lily and I wished we were.
In late spring, Daddy would hold our hands at the top of Deerkill Rock, a granite precipice that jutted out over the ocean. "You ready, my brave little warriors?" he'd ask, and we'd race to the edge and jump out as far as we could, separating almost immediately, a drop so far I thought I might fly, the air rushing past my face, through my tangled hair, the thrilling, icy embrace of the ocean. We'd pop up like corks, Lily and I, coughing, shrieking, our legs already numb as we swam back to shore, our father laughing and proud, swimming beside us.
He'd take us to the top of Eastman Hill Road, that patched-up testament to frost heaves and potholes, and unload our bikes from the back of the truck. Down we'd go, the streamers from my handlebars whipping, the wind whisking tears from my eyes, my arms shuddering with the effort of staying in control. No bike helmets for us, not back then. Lily was too small and skinny to manage it, so Dad would perch her on his handlebars, the two of them soaring in front of me, the sound of their laughter lashing back, wrapping around me.
Dad would cook us the best meals, too. Travelers' food, he called it-stew cooked over the campfire, the way his Hungarian grandmother had taught him. He'd tell us stories of magical people who could hypnotize you into flying, people who could turn invisible, who could talk to animals and ride wild horses. There in the firelight, the ocean lapping at the granite rocks of the island shore, a saw-whet owl calling its lonely cry, it seemed more than just possible. It seemed true.
Then Mom would call us in and get that pinched-mouth look, shaking her head over our filthy feet, and sent us to take our baths.
In the summer, we'd make forts and sleep outside, then come in covered in bug bites, grimy, happy and itchy. During the day, when Mom went to her various jobs or did the grocery shopping, Dad would let Lily and me out into the wild while he worked on his book. We'd wander, spying on the rich folks' houses, scouring the rocky shore for treasures, unsupervised and happy, returning home with Lily sunburned and me brown.
And meanwhile, my mother grew angry. Not that she showed it through anything other than terse orders about homework and chores. But the allure of all that freedom, especially with Dad's beaming approval and frequent participation... We learned not to care what our mother thought.
Sometimes I tried to make her feel better-I'd bring her lupine picked from the side of the road, or find a piece of sea glass for her bowl, but the truth was, I loved having Daddy in charge. As our mother became more and more brittle, our love for Daddy mushroomed. While once I'd had friends-Cara Macklemore and Billy Ides-they didn't come over anymore, and I turned down invitations to go to their houses to play. Home was more fun. We didn't need friends, Lily and I. We had each other, and Daddy. And Mom. Sure. Her too.
So I pretended the tension between our parents wasn't there. Mom worked grimly, Dad wrote his book and played with us and life was mostly wonderful.
Except when Mom would track us down. I don't know how she knew where we were, but every once in a while, her car would appear where we were adventuring, and she'd get out and yell at our father. "What are you doing out here? Are you out of you goddamn mind?"
"Sharon, relax!" Dad would say, grinning, panting from whatever activity we'd been doing. "They're having fun. They're outside, playing, breathing fresh air."
"One of these days, we'll be standin' over a casket if you don't stop this!"
Dad's smile would drop like granite. "You think I'd let something happen to my girls? You think I don't love them? Girls, do you think Daddy loves you?"
Of course we'd say yes. Mom's mouth with tighten, her eyes would grow hard and she'd either order us to get in the car, or, worse, get in the car by herself and drive away, the rest of our day tainted. "You're so brave, my girls," Dad would say. "Why be alive if you can't have adventures, right? Who wants to end up all clenched and angry all the time?"
To prove his point, we'd go for one more swim, one more jump, one more thrilling ride down Eastman Hill. Stay out another half hour, have ice cream for dinner.
Lily was especially good embracing Dad's philosophy. Once Mommy's girl, she started to avoid her, ignore her or worse, talk about why Daddy was so much fun in front of her.
My flowers and sea glass didn't cut it. "Thanks, Nora," she'd say. But I couldn't undo the hurt-I wasn't Lily, after all, the magical, beautiful daughter.
Nothing I did seemed to make much impact on my mother, not the As on my report card, not the Mother's Day art project-a little pinch pot painted yellow with blue polka dots. Lily said she forgot hers at school; it never came home.
I learned to kiss my mother hello when she got home, tell her just about my day to check the mental box of Talk to Mom. Every once in a while, Mom would give me a look that said I wasn't fooling anyone. She wasn't a little black raincloud, our mother, but her skies were unrelentingly gray.
But Daddy laughed a ton, and he and Lily and I had so many fun times, so many goofy games and adventurings and imaginative meals, long stories at bedtime or in the car when we'd take a ride to nowhere. Of course I loved him best.
The guilt hardly ever panged at me. Lily, she was the one who was really mean to Mom. Not me. At least I tried.
One spring day when I was eleven, Lily and I came off the bus to find my mother sitting at the kitchen table, unexpectedly home from work, drinking her coffee. Lily buzzed right past, running up the stairs to throw her backpack on the floor and flop on the bed, as was her custom.