On Second Thought(22)

What the heck were we even talking about? Had he said something about me  moving out? It looked like he had surprised me after all. But I-We-My  brain was stuttering in shock. Jonathan was looking at me. I took a bite  of lobster and chewed, smiling at my boss. Nothing to see. We're all  good.

Eric cleared his throat. "Babe. Look. I've been thinking. There's a  reason we haven't gotten married, right? That says something."

I swallowed the wad of lobster meat, nearly choking on it. "Yes, there's  a reason, and no, it doesn't! The reason is, you've never proposed! Not  officially, anyway." My voice was shrill, and people were starting to  look. Let them.

"I know," Eric said. "We talked about it, but we never did follow  through." He gave me a steady look. "That tells the whole story, don't  you think?"

"No! I absolutely do not!" Where's the ring? my brain asked. We would  really like to see that ring. "We live together. We bought a house  together. We take vacations with your parents!"

"We did. That's true."

We did? What was this past tense thing? "Eric...you can't be breaking up with me..." My voice cracked in disbelief.

He gave a sort of crooked nod/shrug, like he regretted that, yes, he was.

"What about the ring?" I asked. "You bought me an engagement ring."

He twitched. "How did you know?"

"Because I know everything." Yes. Pull the Angry Mother. Eric was a nice  Jewish boy. Angry Mother Voice scared him. "Eric David Fisher, you  bought me a one-and-a-half-carat engagement ring from Tiffany's because  you want to marry me! Not break up with me!" People were now openly  enjoying our drama (minus Jonathan, who was eating again), but I didn't  care.

"Ains, look. You're right. I did want to marry you. There I was at the  party, about to propose, you're right. And then the universe literally  stops me by killing a guy."

"Oh, for God's sake, Eric! He tripped! It was completely random!"

"Well, I think it was more than random. It was the universe saying life is short, life is uncertain, live life large."

"I am going to stab you with this fork if you don't knock it off."

"Ainsley. Honey. I'm so grateful for everything. I really am. It's been  an amazing run. But I'm putting the house on the market. I quit my job  today, and I'm going to Alaska."

"Alaska! Are you drunk? You're not moving to Alaska!"

"I am."

"Does your mother know?" Judy would lie prostrate in front of his car if he tried to move to New Jersey, let alone Alaska.

"Not yet. But you need to move out."

"I am not moving out! Are you kidding? Is this a joke?"

"I'm so sorry. I really, truly regret hurting you." He looked at me steadily, kindly.

There was...something...in his expression. In his voice, too. Sincerity, my brain said.

Shut up, I told it. "You can't break up with me," I ground out. "I  nursed you through cancer, Eric." I raised my voice so the onlookers  could hear. "I nursed you. Through cancer. Remember?"         

     



 

"I do. And I will always be grateful."

My hands were shaking, wanting to throttle him. I took a deep breath.  Glanced around at my fellow diners, who were rapt, save for Jonathan.  Thank you for not caring about anything, Captain Flatline. For once, it  was in the plus column.

I chugged my wine and refilled the glass.

"How is dinner tonight?" the waiter asked, smiling.

"It's great! Fantastic. Best I ever had," I said. I took another defiant  bite of lobster "My boyfriend is just about to propose."

"No, I'm not," Eric said. "We're breaking up."

"Oh! Uh...I'll let you decide, then." The server backed away.

Eric pushed back from the table as if to leave.

"No, no, no," I said, wiping my mouth. "We're still talking. You stay right here." He closed his eyes briefly but obeyed.

Okay. Eric always shut down when I was mad, so I wouldn't be mad. I'd be logical.

"Eric," I said in a calmer voice, "honey, I know you really liked  Nathan. And I know-believe me, I know-how terrifying this past year and a  half has been. It's natural to reexamine your life."

"Thank you for understanding," he said.

"No, no, not yet," I said. "Look. I understand you want to, uh, live  life large. But you don't dump the person who's been with you, by your  side, for eleven years, who adores you and wants to have your children,  who helped fight your battle with cancer-" yes, yes, bring up his  favorite subject "-who cleaned up your puke and gave you sponge baths."

Let my fellow diners suck on that little tidbit. Granted, the sponge  bath was one time, and it was more like a practice run (at Eric's  suggestion) in case he got so weak that I'd have to do it for real. We  ended up playing Naughty Nurse. He could also chew on that for a minute.

"You were wonderful," he admitted.

"Thank you, honey. In sickness and in health, right? In my mind, we're  as married as can be. You said the same thing. The paper is just a  formality, you said."

"Oh, sweetheart, my old boyfriend used that same line on me," murmured a  blonde woman to my left. "Right until he left me for his third cousin."

I ignored her. Clearly, she and I had nothing in common. "Eric, I think  you're just...reacting. Nathan's death has hit us all hard. But breaking  up...no."

It just would not be allowed. I would not allow it.

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. I...I knew you'd say that. I'm sorry, Ains. I  really didn't mean to hurt you, and I acknowledge that I have. That I  am. I own that. But I need to start over. I need to go to Alaska."

"Why? So you can be a crab fisherman?"

"I'm going to take three months and camp in Denali."

"This from the man who can't go outside after dark because of the  mosquitoes. What about grizzly bears and wolves? You'll be eaten within  an hour."

He smiled. "I need to change. I need to live life to the fullest. I was  given a second chance. Nathan wasn't. I can't ignore that, Ainsley."

"Well, you can't break up with me, either." I smiled firmly. "What about Ollie, huh? You can't leave us."

He smiled back sadly. His eyes, those brown eyes that I loved, were a little shiny.

I hate to break it to you, my brain said, but he looks like a man resolved.

My own eyes started to fill. "Eric," I whispered. "I love you. I've  loved you my entire adult life. If you need to go to Alaska, that's  fine! That's great! I'll go with you. Or not. Go and come back. But  we...we love each other."

He reached across the table, his hand so familiar on mine. "That was true."

"It still is!"

"For you, maybe. But I have to do this. I know you think this is a  knee-jerk reaction, but I've thought about this constantly since Nathan  died, and the truth is, I haven't been happy for a long time."

That one stabbed me in the heart. Like a child telling his mother he  doesn't love her, even if she knows it's not true. The words still  sliced right through.

"I don't believe you," I whispered.

"It's true. Our life is not the one I want."

No, because who would want unconditional love and fun and friendship and  happiness and security and great sex...and...and... My chest was  hitching. "Then you're an idiot," I managed.

"You haven't been happy, either. That job of yours doesn't fulfill you.  It's a huge step-down from NBC. You complain about it all the time."         

     



 

I glanced at Jonathan. Sure, now he was listening. "But our life  fulfills me," I said to Eric. "I'm very happy. My job," I added,  lowering my voice, "will be fine until something better comes along."

"But that's the lesson of Nathan's life! You might not get something  better coming along!" He leaned forward, eyes intent on me. "Don't you  see, Ains?"

"No, I don't see a damn thing! I repeat. You're not thinking clearly. We should get married. It's time. Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm sorry to hurt you. I really am."

"You did not invite me to this gorgeous dinner to dump my ass, Eric."

"I thought, wrongly, that you wouldn't make a scene here."

"You want a scene? I'll give you a scene! How can you do this to me? How can you be so selfish?"

"I guess you're well rid of me, aren't you?"

He's not serious. He'll rethink this. "I'm going to leave now," I said.  My throat felt like it was jammed with broken glass. "I'll see you at  home."

"I'll be at my parents' house tonight."

"Fine! By all means, go home to Mommy. Maybe she can talk some sense into you."

"Again, Ainsley, I'm so sorry, and I'll always be grateful you were my partner during my cancer journey."

"Oh, shut up."

I rose from the table and glanced at my lobster. Considered taking it  with me. Decided it wouldn't be a dignified exit if I had a crustacean  clutched to my breast.