“There is just something about him, Joy that makes me feel things that I’ve never felt before in my life. I feel like… he…” I sighed and slouched. I said softly, “He melts me.”
“He melts you?”
She looked at me like I’d crossed that line, and hell, maybe I had…
I nodded. “Yeah, he melts me. That’s the only way I can describe what he does to me. He seems to love to frown, but the moment when he looks at me the frown disappears. He smiles, and his dimples make his face extraordinarily handsome. When he talks or laughs, it makes my day.” I took another breath. “I don’t know Joy, I don’t know anything about this man, but I have this overwhelming feeling about him, and it’s good. I want to talk to him and hang out with him, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things I can’t begin to tell you.”
“Well, please try. Because honestly, sweetie, I feel like we’re losing pieces of you day by day with those nightmares of yours.”
I closed my eyes and let my head fall against the couch.
“What do you want to know?” I relented.
“What are you afraid of? Honestly, what do you have to lose giving this guy a chance?”
“I don’t know how to, and that’s the problem. Joy, I’ve been programmed from an early age to accept that I’m just not meant for happiness. Meeting that guy and falling in love, having a loving and caring family, things like that aren’t in the cards for me. I swear, my track record for happiness is horrible, and it starts with the spawn that created me.”
I sat up and turned to face her as I went on. “Let me ask you this; a father is supposed to be the person that a girl looks up to, right? A girl’s father is supposed to protect them, nurture them, and because of his love, a woman usually finds a mate that is just like their father right?”
“Sometimes,” Joy added.
“Well, for most of my life I longed for my father to be that for me. To nurture, to love me, to protect me, but I wasn’t blessed with one of those fathers. No, my father resented the very day I was born.”
Joy shook her head. “Summer–”
“Every day of my life, Joy, I did everything I could to gain his love. Grades came easy for me, so I tried to excel in everything else. I joined every scholastic afterschool club and organization in order to impress that man. I was on the debate team, the scholastic triathlon, honors club; name it, I was on it. And you know my father surprisingly came to everything I was in.” I smiled and shook my head. “You can imagine how much excitement was coursing through me. Seeing my father standing there watching me, me desperately wanting to believe pride was bubbling inside him. But I was so wrong. If I didn’t answer a question right away or I let someone else from my team answer a question, man, I would have issues afterwards. His stoic look changed to disappointment and regret every single time he came to my events. You would think I wouldn’t get my hopes up thinking that things would change, but like an idiot, I did and was broken hearted every time.
He would say stuff like, ‘You let that Asian girl show you up,’ or ‘how could you embarrass the family with your incompetence.’ I mean, Joy, I was one of the top scholastic achievers in the state, and that wasn’t good enough. My science projects were amateurish in his eyes, so he would always make me do them over until it was to his liking, and if I didn’t win the science fairs or competitions I signed up for, I was chastised or made a fool of in front of the whole school.”
I took a deep breath trying to fight back the tears I felt welling in my eyes.
“I have worked hard at trying to please him all my life, to be someone he could be proud of, to love. I just wanted something, you know, God, something from that man, but I never got it.” I shook my head and fell back against the couch. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I never learned how to please my father. Looking back at the other men in my life, I couldn’t please them either. You remember I told you about Wayne and Noah. Things with them were just horrible too. I really doubt I’m missing out if I don’t go forward with meeting Josh. I’m doomed to repeat my past, Joy.”
Joy leaned into me and touched my hands and squeezed. I hadn’t realized my hands were shaking until that moment. The soft look she gave me calmed me. She smiled.
“I can’t tell you that I can relate to what you’ve been through because I can’t. So what I’m about to say comes from the heart okay?” I nodded, and she continued, “Girl, fuck your father, and whoever this Wayne person is, and, with everything in me, fuck your ex, Noah!” I couldn’t help but laugh. Her smile broadened. “Summer, when shit like that happens in our lives, we have one of two choices, we let it consume us or we learn from it and move on. Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you first and foremost. Yeah, I know that’s what you’re thinking. As kids most of us are crying out for the attention and love from our parents. But you know what, if they didn’t give it to you, then that’s their loss. They missed out loving on a hellava good person.” I smiled and shook my head. Joy smiled back and squeezed my hand again. “And shit girl, we’ve all had our fair share of fucked up men that we’ve wasted time and energy on. I don’t know about Wayne, but I remember you said you guys grew up together, right? Well, if he didn’t see what kind of woman you were then that’s his fucking loss. And please don’t get me started on Noah. That, to me, is a fucking coward of the worse kind. He shouldn’t actually count. ”
Joy moved closer to me. “But, Summer, if you consistently live your life in fear, it will become the air you breathe. You can’t be afraid to trust your instincts. They’ve gotten you very far in five years, haven’t they? So my advice to you is to use what you’ve learned and follow your heart. If this Josh guy is worth anything, he will see the woman before him and know instantly what he has. You are going into this with no expectations and with a new and fresh start. Let him get to know the true you, and if he’s smart, he’d make sure to never let you go. If he does, then fuck him too.”
I laughed again to stop myself from balling my eyes out.
I pulled Joy into a fierce hug. “I love you.”
“I know you do!” She replied simply and held me close to her.
We stayed like that for a while. Joy just rocking me and caressing my hair, and me holding on to the strength she was feeding me with just her presence.
Finally, I pulled back and as she wiped my face and said, “So when is this date of yours?”
I sniffed. “This Sunday, less than two days.”
She went to pour both of us more Tequila.
“And you guys are going to a baseball game with some of his co–workers, right?” Joy leaned back from me and smiled, holding up my glass to me. I nodded my head and she continued, “Okay, so it sounds to me that this Josh guy is smart. He’s trying to make you as comfortable with him as he can.”
My eyebrows rose. “Really, you think so?”
She nodded. “Yes. Think about it. He first asked you out to dinner, and you turned him down, but breakfast in a familiar place was okay for you. He’s been to visit you in said familiar space as well, so to me, yeah, he wants you to be comfortable around him. He’s taking his time with you, a little too much if you ask me, but whatever.”
I laughed. “I never thought about it that way.”
Joy said to me, “Listen, from what you’ve told me about how you two met, which was funny by the way, and I’m pissed I missed it. Him showing up at Sara’s like that right after he helped you at the track says that you two were meant for this.”
“Or he’s a stalker,” I said, rolling my eyes.
Joy waved me off. “But Steven proved that wasn’t the case when he came out from the back. Right on time, I might add. Look, stop trying to figure out ways to downplay what’s happening. This is your moment, I think, so relax and see where this goes.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “Let fate decide, huh?”
She nodded. “Yup, let fate decide.”
I screwed up my face. “You know fate has a messed up sense of humor, right?”
She laughed. “Don’t I know it, but for some reason fate led you here, to this city. It led you to the apartment across the hall from me, it led you and I to meet, and I think it will lead you while you’re sitting at PNC Park with your hero so he can also save you from all the hurt and pain that tries to devour you every day.”
We clinked our glasses, took the shot, slammed our glasses down, and burst out laughing.
I really do love this girl.
Chapter 5
Kenya
Saturday I spent my day doing laundry and cleaning my apartment. Typically, I do it on my days off, but this Sunday, tomorrow, I plan on being with Josh at the Pirates game so I didn’t want to miss my opportunity to get some work done.
When I arrived at Finn’s that night, it was already packed. I made my way straight through to the back to see what tables Milo was placing me tonight. Looking around at the already drunk and horny men, I figured tonight would probably be eventful.