“A person who trusts you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t deserve her trust.”
“Well, Talon, you don’t really get a say in the matter. Her trust is hers and hers alone to give. It sounds like she’s chosen to give it to you.”
“I’m the last person in the world who deserves anyone’s trust.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I’m…” Broken. I couldn’t force the word from my lips. Using that word would open up a bunch of questions about things I wasn’t ready to talk about yet.
But here I was, sitting in a shrink’s office. I was thirty-five years old, and I was in love for the first time in my life.
Maybe it was time to talk about it.
I wasn’t getting any younger, and deep within my soul, I knew I would never have a chance for a future with Jade unless I put my past to rest.
I looked up at Dr. Carmichael. “How do you get over something so horrible, so terrible, so…malicious and sick, that most people can’t even comprehend it?”
Dr. Carmichael let out a sigh. “You work hard. You have to want it. And it’s not enough to want it for another person. You have to want it for yourself. There’s something you’re hiding. I’ve known it since we first met. I’m willing to go the distance with you, Talon, and I’m willing to go at your pace. But know this. You do eventually have to open up about it. I will never be able to help you if you don’t.”
I’d heard the same words from Jonah so many times.
Dr. Carmichael continued, “You being here shows me that you do want to work through this. This is the third time we’ve seen each other, and you’ve been able to open up slightly more each time. So that’s a good thing. But I know there are things you’re hiding. I know that there’s a reason why you fainted that first time, why you became nearly catatonic last time. I’m willing to go as slow as you need to go.”
“How could that have happened?” I asked. “How could I have put my hands around her throat? I…love her.”
“Let’s change the topic for a minute. Let’s talk about your love for her. How do you know you love her?”
Good question. “I…don’t know. I’ve never loved anyone other than my parents and my siblings. And this is way different.”
“Of course it is.” She chuckled.
“It started as a craving, and then it became an obsession. I had to have her. And I thought that by having her once, I would be able to get rid of the desire. But instead, every time I had her, my desire for her multiplied.”
“That sounds like lust, not love.”
“That’s what it was at first. But as I got to know her, I started feeling more. And then suddenly it seemed like those feelings had been with me all my life, and it took her to evoke them.”
“And is the physical desire still there?”
“I want her as soon as I lay eyes on her. Every single time.”
“Is she in love with you?”
“She says she is. But there’s so much about me she doesn’t know.”
“She’s put her trust in you, Talon. Do you want a future with her?”
The question of the century. And the answer was yes. “Yes. Goddamnit, yes.” I wanted a future with Jade more than I wanted my next breath of air. “And I know I can’t have it unless I work through my own demons.”
“I think it would help to know what you were dreaming about when this event happened with Jade. Would you be willing to go through some guided hypnosis with me? We might be able figure out what caused you to put your hands around her neck.”
“Hypnosis? Is that some kind of voodoo bullshit?”
Dr. Carmichael laughed. “Hypnosis is, at its center, a state of relaxation. You usually feel calm and relaxed when you’re under. And quite frankly, relaxation of any kind would be really good for you.”
I couldn’t help a small smile. She was right about that. “I don’t know, Doc. I have a hard time giving up…”
“Control?” She smiled.
“Yes, control. I guess I’m kind of a textbook control freak.”
“You probably are. But just from the little bit I know about you, it makes perfect sense to me why you would want to be in control. You and I don’t know each other that well yet, so you may not trust me to hypnotize you.”
“I really don’t trust anyone, Doc. Except my brothers.”
“Do you trust Jade?”
“I’ve never really thought about it.”
“She trusts you.”
“Yeah, she thinks she does anyway. There’re still a lot of things she doesn’t know about me.”