Obsessed(83)
She’d never reacted that way with me. She would happily go for days without seeing me. Aston took off on us, and she still hugged him to her like a lifeline. While I…I’d been there for her, trying my hardest to soothe her broken heart, and she rejected me time and time again. Did I have to die to get her attention?
My vision blurred with angry tears. I quickly stood up, set my coffee mug in the sink and walked past them. I ran up the stairs and took another long shower.
*
“Are you upset with me?”
I looked up at Aston as he came through my bathroom door. I was seated in the corner of the shower, knees to my chest, drenched by the hot water. He sat down on the toilet seat and watched me, waiting for my answer.
“I just find it remarkable that you can do no wrong,” I told him quietly, spitting out the water between my lips. “I try so hard with that woman, and I’ve gotten nowhere.”
“Maybe you should stop trying,” he replied, concerned. “Maybe it’s the trying that wears her out.”
“Maybe she’s a selfish bitch for pushing her daughter away.”
He looked alarmed. “What’s gotten into you, El?”
“I’m…angry,” I replied, feeling tears behind my eyes. “I’m so angry, Aston.”
“At her?”
“At…everything. I don’t know why.”
“You’re depressed. That’s why you’re angry. The anger distracts you from feeling pain.”
“Then I like being angry more.”
“That’s not healthy.”
“I don’t care.”
He let out a long breath, looking anxious now. “Why don’t you come with me, El? When you’re finished school, pack your shit and come live with me like we talked about before.”
Once upon a time, that offer would have been heaven. I’d have done it in a heartbeat. But now…now I knew it wouldn’t solve anything. It’d be like running, and no matter how stale Mom was to me, I couldn’t leave her just yet… or maybe I was making excuses because I was frightened. Whatever the truth was, I didn’t want to face it.
I stood up and turned the water off. I opened the shower stall and ripped the towel from the hook. All the while, he sat there, waiting for a response with a tentative look on his face.
“Elise,” he pressed desperately, “tell me you’ll come to me.”
I wrapped the towel around my body and stood there, looking down at him. I wanted to run my wet fingers through that blond hair, tug it back so his face shot up to mine, and then drown in his beautiful green eyes.
“What am I meant to do over there?” I asked him.
“Be with me.”
I smiled sadly at him. “There’s nothing for me there, Aston. I’d be a burden to you.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“I don’t have a life outside of this town. I might be needy and social over there. You’d be locked in your schoolwork, and I’d feel neglected and isolated in a city I don’t know.”
“Then come to know it.”
“You’re not understanding, Aston. I have zero aspirations, and you… You’re a star, and you’re going to shine.”
“And what are you, El?”
I shrugged. “I’m your black hole. I’d drag you down and put your shine out. I’d demand things, distract you, pick fights with you when I don’t get my way. We have two separate lives now, and I have to accept that. We both do.”
He stood up and looked down at me, his face grim. “I just want us to be together. I love you, Elise. I want you for myself.”
“You’d want me until you forgot all about me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then how come you haven’t contacted me once since you’ve been gone? I get that you were hurt, but not even a single text or an email?”
He chest rose and fell faster at my question. He was conflicted because he didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to admit the truth.
“It was because you’re locked inside your head,” I answered for him. “I’m surprised you remember to eat.”
“You’re basically telling me to choose my head over you.”
“That’s what you’ve been doing –”
“I did it because I was hurting!” he interrupted harshly. “I don’t know how to deal with things when I hurt, El. It’s why I turned to numbers when I was a kid. I found a fucking multiplication chart in the garbage when I went out once. I didn’t know what it was. It was just a sheet of paper. I smuggled it in my pocket so the next time they locked me up I’d have something to look at.”