He looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes tired. “You should. He’s gone because of my actions.”
“He’s gone because that man pulled the trigger, not you.”
He scoffed in disbelief. “You don’t know what you’re saying, El. You weren’t there.”
“I have to be there to understand?”
“You have to be there and know what it’s like to watch the life bleed from someone’s eyes. Story of my fucking life. It was preventable. The entire thing could have been a day him and I both looked back on, knowing we handled it. I think what kills me the most is how fucking stupid it was. Spilt ketchup, El. Spilt fucking ketchup and a dumb guy like me acting out like a fucking wanna-be hero.”
I grimaced at his words. “If you spend your whole life thinking this way, you’re going to have a whole life of misery, Aston.”
His shoulders dropped and his hand covered his eyes as he breathed in and out raggedly. “Fuck, you just can’t think ill of me, can you?”
I shook my head, feeling a tear fall. “Never. I tried. I tried so hard to hate you, Aston, and you’re here for one minute and I can’t think that way anymore.”
“I’m sorry, El. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice broke and he sucked in breaths.
I moved to him and wrapped my arms around his back. Nestling my chin on his shoulder, I replied softly, “And I’m sorry for acting out the way I did before you left. We’re both at fault. I…I was so desperate for affection after he died, Aston. I’ve felt so alone, like driftwood, you know?”
He nodded. “I know.”
“I want us to be okay. We don’t have to be together. I understand you’re busy, and you won’t be around often, but…I want us to talk.” I shut my eyes. “I can’t handle not talking, Aston.”
He sighed and kissed my forehead. “I can do that.”
It wasn’t the kind of resolution I’d hoped for, but having Aston in my life in a small way was better than not having him in it at all. The world didn’t always give you what you wanted, but you had to take what was given, or risk losing it all.
He took my mouth against his again and led me back to the bed. I knew I wouldn’t see him for another long while, so I hugged him to me tightly and whispered, “Slow this time. I need to feel this with you.”
He listened and gave me what I wanted. He rocked into me, slowly and passionately. We came together minutes later, and it was sweet and painful. As he lay down next to me, he combed through my hair and said, “Try not to lie to me next time. I know your bruises didn’t come from a staircase, El. You’re a shit liar.”
“It was nothing.”
He sighed. “Nothing I would disapprove of?”
I smiled. “Oh, you’d have disapproved of this big time, but you’d have done something about it yourself.”
He chuckled dryly. “How reassuring.”
He took my hand and traced the lines on my palm, lingering on the thick scar there with a reflective look on his face. He didn’t ask about it, and I was glad. Maybe he thought it was old. I felt content for the first time in so long. I didn’t want this to end.
“There really isn’t anyone else, El?” he whispered to me.
“No,” I whispered back.
“No one’s shown you interest? I don’t believe that.”
“Not at school.” He didn’t need to know my reputation. He was oblivious in the city, and I liked that.
“Someone outside of it has?”
I smiled timidly. “I did meet a guy or two.”
He watched me closely, an unreadable look on his face. “Two?”
“It’s nothing. The first guy is a homeless dude who feeds birds at the lake we use to swim in. His name is Ray. He’s crazy, but we don’t talk much. I seem him once a week over the weekend.”
“That’s weird, El.”
“I know.”
“And number two?”
“There’s nothing between guy number two and me, but…I like talking to him. I think he offered me a job too.”
He didn’t look like he gave a shit about the job. “What’s his name?”
“Hayden.”
“What does he do?”
“He’s a doctor.”
He paused and continued staring at me, this time with realization. “You’re talking about the doctor from the hospital, aren’t you? I saw the way he looked at you.”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah, it was him.”
“What job could he possibly offer you, El?”
“At a bookstore.”
“And you agreed?”