Not long after the voices died down, there was a soft knock on her door.
“Em?” Ashlyn sounded concerned—not at all angry—and that just made her feel worse. “Are you awake?”
Guilt chewed at her gut, but she couldn’t bring herself to respond. Not yet. Ashlyn gave up when she heard the microwave ding. The TV buzzed in the living room and Em laid there, letting the hum fill her head, overpower the voices for a minute, and lull her to sleep.
***
Em had promised herself that she would get up and face the world the next day. She’d lied.
The sunlight stung her eyes and she curled up in a ball, hugging her knees to her chest as Ashlyn banged on the door.
“Em? Talk to me.”
Cradling her head in her arms, Em kept quiet. Her friend deserved better, but all she ever did was let people down. Why should Ashlyn be any different?
“Em? Please? Come on.”
Rolling on her stomach, she smashed her face in the pillow. The door was locked. All she had to do was wait. Wait until Ashlyn realized she wasn’t worth the effort and gave up trying. Ash kept it up for a solid fifteen minutes, but the silence that followed was golden.
All Em wanted was to stay away from everyone. If she only had herself, then she couldn’t disappoint anyone else. Out there, the world was full of coarse surfaces and sharp angles. But in that bed she was surrounded by softness and comfort. Things she so desperately craved and clung to.
Sleep became her only reprieve. The nightmares favorable to the guilt and pain that consumed her when she was awake. Thoughts of Jay and Tori plagued her mind relentlessly. Her failures stacking up, one on top of the next, into an unstable pile that threatened to crush her with one wrong move. So, she stayed still. Very still. Slipping in and out of consciousness.
Em felt herself plummeting but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she got as far away from the voice as she could. Even if the only way to go was down. Sometimes she would wake to find it light, others dark. She never cared to know what time it was, or what day. The only time she left that room at all was to use the bathroom and even that was strategically planned to avoid Ashlyn at all costs.
At some point, she had given up her daily attempts to talk Em out of bed. Deep down, Em knew she couldn’t stay holed up in her guest room indefinitely, but she had yet to find another option. The world was better off without her in it, but she hadn’t the courage to remove herself permanently. Can’t even do that right.
She was just so tired. So damn tired of it all. Of fighting, and failing, again and again.
Now and then, thoughts of Jay would sneak up on her, and the tears would come again. It seemed she never ran out of the damn things. She missed him. More than anything, she missed being with him, the feel of his arms around her, his scent, the sound of his voice. So selfish. Their entire relationship had been give-and-take, in that he would give and she would take. What had she ever done for him? Even now, he was in danger and where was she? Hiding under her blankets.
She was a failure. She hated herself. Who she had become. What she had done—and failed to do.
Pain expanded in Em’s chest until she couldn’t take the pressure anymore. Her eyes were raw and tender, and stung with each salty tear that escaped. Her cheeks felt chapped from the relentless flow. She didn’t even know when she was crying, anymore. The tears just seemed to come and go in waves. Every time she thought she’d run out, they’d start all over again. Her body’s way of trying to relieve some of that pressure. It didn’t work. There was no escaping it. No way to turn it off. To make it stop. She felt like her heart would explode from it.
Em lingered on the cusp of surrendering to unconsciousness, grateful for the break, when a new voice cut through the bedroom door.
“Em?” What was Mason doing there? “Em, Ash has given me permission to bust this damn thing down if you don’t open it. I’d really rather not have to.”
Em stared at the back of the door. Would he really break it down? Could he?
“Em?” He was silent and then she heard him sigh. “All right, fine. You’d better stand back because I’m coming in.”
Before she could even react to those words, a loud crack sounded as his foot collided with the door. Shit, he was going to break it down. And he could. She couldn’t let him do that to Ashlyn’s house.
“Wait!” Her voice was hoarse from tears and disuse. “I’m coming.”
Her legs felt like jelly as she dragged herself across the room. She must have looked like a mess, but she couldn’t find it in herself to really care. When she pulled open the door, Mason and Ashlyn stood side by side in the hallway.