Ashlyn had just put the car in park when headlights lit up the interior. Em squinted into the side mirror at the car pulling into the drive behind them. It didn’t look familiar.
“Perfect timing.” Ash rubbed her hands together like she was plotting some dastardly deed.
“Who is that?”
“I ordered Chinese. We’re celebrating.”
For the life of her, Em couldn’t think of a single thing worth celebrating at the moment. “What?”
“I get to keep you a little while longer.” She threw open her door and darted toward the blue sedan idling in the drive.
Ash was celebrating . . . her? She wanted her there? Other than Jay, Em hadn’t felt wanted by anyone for a long, long time.
“You coming?” Ash tapped on the window, juggling two brown paper bags.
Shaking off the stunned feeling that held her immobile, Em slipped out of the car and followed her inside. Ashlyn tossed her the remote—a terrible idea—while she set about collecting plates and silverware from the kitchen. The TV buzzed to life and Em started flipping idly through channels until she grew bored and tossed the remote aside. She’d never been much of a TV viewer.
“What the hell are you watching?” Ash handed her a plate and dropped down on the couch beside her.
“Umm . . .” Em glanced at the television to see some totally ripped guy singing the praises of some all-in-one home gym. “I don’t know.”
“Never took you as the meathead type,” Ashlyn teased, scooping up the remote and continuing to channel surf.
Darkness slowly encroached on the room as Em picked at her dinner and allowed her thoughts to drift away.
***
“He’s such an idiot.” Stuffed to capacity with pork fried rice and one too many fortune cookies, Em reclined on the couch. Something flickered on the television, but she hadn’t been paying any attention to it. Replaying her conversation with Jay over, and over, and over again.
Ash visually scanned Em with a smirk. “Well, duh.”
“No. I mean he’s really an idiot. He thinks . . . He actually believes he’s not good enough for me. If anyone’s not good enough for—”
“Stop right there. You’re both idiots.” Ash threw up her hands and laid it out there. “You’re perfect for each other. You make each other better when you’re together. And if either one of you can’t see that, you must be blind. You’re like . . . soulmates. And as sappy as that crap sounds . . . I wish I had what you two have.”
“But we don’t have it.” The best Em could manage was a whisper, afraid declaring it any louder would shatter her heart. “Not anymore.”
The volume didn’t seem to matter, though. The words were enough to push her over the edge and tears welled up so fast she couldn’t blink them back before they overflowed, streaming down her cheeks.
“Oh, Em.” Ash scooted closer and wrapped her arms around Em’s shoulders. The touch didn’t repulse her, and she leaned into her friend’s embrace.
“He wants me to see other people. Explore my options. I don’t want options. I just want him. I love him, Ash.” A sob tore up her throat, leaving it feeling raw in its wake. “And he loves me. I know he does. He said as much. So, why do there have to be any other options? Why isn’t that enough?”
“It’s okay.” Ash smoothed her hand over Em’s hair. “He’s a guy. Who knows why they do half the stuff they do? They’re all crazy if you ask me. But he does love you. Anyone can see that. He’s having a rough time, Em. He’s questioning himself. I think he just needs to know that you don’t question him. I think you should do this. Give him what he’s asking for. Show him you trust him.”
Em did trust him. Even if she didn’t understand him, she trusted him with her life. And, more importantly, with her heart.
“It’ll be okay. You’ll see. Everything will work out.”
Please. Please, let that be true, Em begged silently as the tears continued to fall. It would kill her to live without Jay.
***
The burst of icy air was just the wakeup call Em needed after a long night of crying into her pillow. She’d tried to take Ashlyn’s words to heart. To believe everything would work out. That she could do this for Jay. But, in the end, it just hurt. It all hurt. And it took hours for exhaustion to finally put an end to it.
Gathering the mail, she inhaled deeply. She’d always loved the crisp, clean smell of winter. It smelled cleansing, like snow. The way it bathed everything in white and made it look fresh. Unspoiled. Em liked to imagine it cleaning her out from the inside. But when she exhaled, all the grime and filth was still there, hiding beneath her surface. Familiar disappointment unfurled as she headed back inside.