‘I thought we should firm things up—’
‘Like signing a contract?’
‘Exactly,’ he said as if she’d seen the light.
Can’t we at least pretend? Carrie bit down on the thought. Nico wanted to lay claim to her child, just in case, she knew that, but she didn’t want to be a convenient womb for a man who didn’t love her. She wanted to be loved for herself and she wanted to share the love inside her. A diamond, however big, meant less than nothing compared to that.
‘Don’t you want your child to be born in wedlock?’
He hadn’t given up. But only because giving up wasn’t in Nico’s nature. ‘I know plenty of single mothers who bring up children happily,’ Carrie assured him, ‘and the type of arrangement you’re proposing won’t make anyone happy, Nico. Don’t kid yourself.’
‘I just thought as a mother—’
She threw him a withering look. ‘I’m sorry you have no understanding of how much a mother loves her children, particularly when you have such a wonderful mother yourself, a mother who clearly adores you and who would do anything in her power to secure your happiness. A legal document, just because it happens to be called a marriage certificate, won’t make the slightest difference to the love a mother has for her child.’
Nico glowered at her, but at least he managed to hold himself in check. Opening the door for her, he stood aside. ‘Come on, we’d better hurry, or we’ll be late for your appointment at the hospital….’
Everything could change in a moment.
For both of them, Carrie realised. There had never been a more significant moment in her life than this, or anything close, and she knew without asking that Nico felt the same. She could feel his awe, his hope, excitement and his fear as they waited together, bound together more surely by this new life than they had ever been before.
The silent expectation of the technician, the flickering screen, the struggle to comprehend what they were seeing…The hard hospital couch and cold jelly beneath the searching probe, Nico breathing steadily at her side, and her own breath hitching in her throat as she finally made out the tiny shape the radiographer was trying to explain to her…And then the sob that found its way from her throat at the moment that Nico exclaimed in wonder…
Every microsecond of that would be branded on her mind for all time.
‘That’s your baby,’ the radiographer said.
‘Yes, I know…’As Nico spoke he didn’t move at all, he was transfixed by the screen. ‘Can we have a print-off, please?’
‘Certainly…’
As the radiographer made the necessary adjustments to her equipment Carrie turned her head away. She couldn’t bear to see the look on Nico’s face. She couldn’t bear to see that and then have him, some time later, disillusion her. But it was already too late, she had already seen that he shared her feelings, but he didn’t want to share her life and, for a moment, she almost wished he hadn’t come with her.
No…No, she didn’t mean that. How could she deny him this? But if he still doubted her, if he still doubted the tiny life growing inside her was part of him, then she didn’t know if she could ever forgive him.
‘Carrie…Carrie,’ he said more insistently, ‘look at this…’
Carried away by wonder and excitement, he helped her to sit up and then held the small photograph out in front of her.
‘Can we keep it?’ he said to the radiographer.
‘Of course you can.’ She smiled at him indulgently, as if she had lived this moment countless times before and had never tired of it.
‘Don’t cry, Carrie,’ he said. ‘It’s wonderful.’
She closed her mind against all the things that Nico couldn’t see; all the things they could have shared together and never would. But when she opened her eyes again she saw with shock that Nico was crying, too…
He denied it, of course, when she pointed it out to him and then he stood up and made a performance of straightening the cuffs on his shirt. He looked too big for the room suddenly, too restless and awkward and eager to be gone and to be alone, to show his feelings to no one but himself.
‘I’ll leave you to get dressed.’ He was already halfway through the door when the radiographer called him back.
‘No, I’ll go,’ she said archly, ‘and give you two some time together.’
‘I…’ Carrie’s voice was lost in a flurry of activity and, before she knew it, the door had closed and she was alone with Nico.
‘Incredible,’ he murmured, still studying the photograph.