“That’s not what I’m doing,” he said softly.
She met his gaze dead on. “Aren’t you?” She let out a sound between a laugh and cry. “Well, you aren’t the only one. I question my own judgment. What happened made me lose confidence in myself. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”
“No, I don’t.”
She strode across the room. “Of course you don’t. You know exactly who you are. You always do the right thing. And you can probably always tell the good guys from the bad ones.”
“Not always, Meredith. I’ve made plenty of mistakes.”
“Yeah, well this one cost me a hell of a lot. You want to know why I fell for Richard? It’s pretty simple. He pursued me with a determination I’d never experienced before. I felt wanted. He’s handsome. I was attracted. And he’s pretty slick. He always knows how to say the right thing.”
“Go on.”
She gripped the curtain in her hand, seeking some way to stay grounded. “It took me awhile to realize he didn’t always mean it. And eventually, I figured out that my name was probably what he liked most about me. He was angling to become part of the paper. Take it over maybe, merge it with his. I don’t know. He didn’t realize Gramps would never allow that. That’s when things changed. I thought I was a good judge of character.”
She heard him walk toward her, but he didn’t touch her.
“He’s fooled a lot of people. I know that doesn’t help, but it’s true.”
“I just wish I hadn’t been one of them,” she whispered. “I know you probably think I’m not over him, but that’s not true.” Lowering her head, her vision blurred. “I haven’t stopped blaming myself for being so stupid.” A tear plopped on her boots.
“Okay, that’s enough.” He pulled her against him.
She tried to yank away.
“I’m not letting go. It won’t hurt you to lean a little. Blaming yourself is cutting you into pieces. I happen to know Meredith Hale is one hell of a woman. She’s insightful, savvy, and sensitive. If your ex cheated on you, he was weak. A mega-prick.”
“Yes, he is,” she muttered against his chest.
“You should talk to my sister. Peg was married to another police officer. They were happy at first, and then they had Keith. She was on a stakeout when she saw her husband coming out of a house. He was supposed to be hunting with friends. She found out that he’d started cheating on her while she was pregnant and couldn’t give it up after Keith was born. He said it wasn’t about her.”
She leaned back. His scar twisted when his mouth did.
“Peg is one of the best judges of character I know. She makes life and death decisions on the job. But she didn’t see him for what he was. She blamed herself just like you’re doing.”
“Did she get over it?”
“Not at first, especially since she still had to see the bastard because of Keith. But after a while, she realized he didn’t want to be a father, so she moved to Kansas when her commander took a new position there, promising her a promotion.” Tracing her cheek, his eyes glowed with emotion. “She finally remembered what she was inside.” He kissed her forehead and cradled her like she was precious. “You’re remembering too.”
Was she? She supposed she was. How else could she have moved forward with Tanner? Gone to bed with him? She did feel more confident now. But not perfect.
What the hell was perfect anyway?
She framed his face. “I meant what I said before. You really are a good man.”
The muscle jumped in his jaw. “Don’t make me out to be something I’m not. I told you I make plenty of mistakes.”
Okay, so he wasn’t going to listen. She dropped the subject and rested against his chest. The clock ticked. The neighbor kids cheered and yelled war cries, pelting snowballs at each other with an innocence that made Meredith nostalgic. She could never go back to that time, that place. She could only move forward.
She nuzzled Tanner’s neck. When she pulled him down for a kiss, he flowed into her, filling up every dark and aching corner. She tried to give back the light he had bestowed on her, hearing him murmur words she couldn’t decipher.
He kissed her in short, sweet bites. “I’ve decided I have a little more time,” he muttered between kisses.
His hands smoothed her clenched back muscles, but he held her loosely. She understood that he was letting her decide if she wanted more.
She did.
She tugged on his bottom lip, deepening the kiss. When she drew back, she tightened her arms around him. “Make love to me.”