Nora Roberts Land(86)
His mention of Pete had steam leaking out of her ears. The sharpening sounded like two swords meeting, stuck in an endless parry and thrust, just like them.
“Stop doing that. I’m trying to talk to you.”
“Fine. Get it over with,” he said, slapping the knife down. “I have a French onion soup and a mascarpone cheesecake to make this morning.”
Since he wasn’t going to give in without some inducement, she went below the belt. She crossed the room and framed his face with her hands. His stubble made her fingers tingle. He swallowed thickly and looked away.
“Are you going to be all right?”
His eyes flicked back to hers, the blue as piercing as a cold winter sky. “Are you?”
Some days the pain eclipsed everything she knew, but she’d fumble through somehow. She knew it. “I’m not the one who left.”
He ran a hand through his curly brown hair. “I can’t stop thinking about her lying on the floor like that. No breath. No pulse. Nothing under my hands. She was gone.” He slammed a hand on the counter.
Every muscle in Jill’s body locked into place.
“I couldn’t fucking bring her back! Thank God Pete doesn’t blame me, but he’s devastated. He feels like the world’s biggest asshole for letting her go.”
“Well, he should. She smoked pot that night because he showed up with his new bitch.”
“I don’t want to fight with you about Pete. We’ll never agree, and I can’t take it right now.”
She wrapped her arms around him. His fingers bit into her hips in response.
“You tried to bring her back, Bri. She couldn’t have asked for more.”
“And was that enough? She’s still gone.” He pushed back and stalked away. “I didn’t keep in touch with her much when I left. She was pissed at me for what happened between us, but you know Jem. She still emailed and called around the holidays or my birthday. She was never one to hold a grudge.”
He didn’t say like her, but the ice in his words froze her heart. He’d called her after he’d left, but had stopped when she’d refused to talk to him.
“She chose you over me, Jill. I get it. Doesn’t mean it didn’t fucking hurt.”
Jill traced her fingers over an open cookbook, the words blurring. She’d never thought about him being hurt. She’d been too angry.
“I was here. She was here. It was more about logistics, Brian.”
He threw out a hand. “Don’t try and be nice. You know it was more than that. And when I came back, there was always this thing between us. Because of you and me, we never hung out together. Then it all went to shit when Pete broke things off with her.” Turning away, he ruffled through some invoices. “I’ll always regret we grew apart.”
“There was nothing you could have done that night. She had a heart condition.”
“Yes, I know. I keep telling myself that. It hasn’t sunk in yet. This whole thing is a fucking nightmare.”
Because she was feeling weepy, she took a moment to answer. “Yes, it is.” She stopped directly in front of him and met his blood-shot eyes, ready to share the revelation she’d had while he was gone. “Jemma wouldn’t have wanted us to be at odds.”
His jaw hardened. “Is that all?”
Her chest contracted like a boulder had fallen on her, robbing her of breath. “That’s all.” She couldn’t give him more.
“That’s not enough.” He grabbed her shoulders. “Can you forget how it was? On Halloween?”
She removed his hands. “I managed to forget before, when you left. I can forget again.” God, what a bunch of lies she was spewing. She’d never been able to forget.
When she tried to move toward the door, he blocked her path. “Why can’t we just start over? Why, dammit?”
“Because you refused to be my first, and then you went out with Kelly Kimple. And you didn’t once mention applying for the Culinary Institute of America even though we were best friends.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”
She’d spent years hurting and clearly all the pain wasn’t gone. “I’m not sure.”
“Why?”
Her broken heart crumbled. “Because you’re not in it forever.” She lifted her eyes and let him see everything—all the love, longing, and hurt she saw in the mirror when she cried alone. “And I am.”
His face flinched. She darted around him and ran outside. She didn’t stop until her lungs burned. Putting her hands on her knees, frozen to the core, she let herself cry. God, why couldn’t she stop loving him?