He was living music and didn’t even know it. Tragic.
Lifting my head, I sat back with my arms crossed over my chest. I had no intentions of practicing at all. I just needed a change of scenery. What the hell was I supposed to do? About … everything? Nathan hadn’t answered my calls, and it was just as well. The kind of conversation I needed to have with him would indeed be a lengthy one, and it would need to be done in person. It would surely chase the sunrise and be filled with yelling and crying. I didn’t even know what I was going to say to him, or what I wanted to ask him. Certainly there would be things I didn’t want to know, but I needed a few days—or more—to figure that out. I knew I didn’t want to hurt him any further, no matter what it was I decided to say. He was my friend … right? Suddenly, I wasn’t sure. I could almost feel him slipping away.
He feels something for you, too, Savannah. I can see it.
What the hell was that supposed to mean? I knew for a fact that Nathan had precisely zero interaction with Gregory outside of the classroom. Nathan had put off his last theory class so he could take it with me, and I knew he needed the grade to be decent. He wasn’t in any ensembles that Gregory was involved with, so … what? What was it that he saw? Because, honestly, all I saw when I looked at Gregory Fitzgerald was a lonely, sad, angry man who lived alone with his cello. That was it.
No. That wasn’t all.
When he sat behind his cello it was like he transformed into a different person altogether. A human, even. Not the monotone robot that directed us in the ways of music theory. About five minutes after my first class with him ended, I found myself searching through the music library to find a flute transcription for that Bach cello suite. I had to learn it. Immediately. Because when he put his bow in hand and brought it to the strings, he transformed into something transcendent.
I can’t explain what was going through my head as I’d thumbed through the files and files of transcriptions, not stopping until I found exactly what I was looking for. I guess … if that song, those notes, could pull emotion out of a man like Gregory and transfer it directly to the center of my gut … I wanted to feel it, too. The way he did. I wanted to get in his head, even if for only a minute, to feel what he felt from that side of the stand.
But … why?
“Ugh,” I groaned, deciding to just pack up my flute and head back to the dorm to try to sleep.
“Savannah?” a voice from the other side of the door startled me. It was my roommate.
“You scared the shit out of me, Marcia!”
“Sorry. Girl, how many times do I have to tell you to shut these freaking doors? Lock them, too, when you’re here by yourself this late at night.” She shook a finger disapprovingly as I put my coat back on.
I sighed. “Sorry, Mom.”
“Plus, didn’t you say Gregory walked in on you practicing once? Do you really want to risk another run-in with him if you can avoid it?” She laughed, and I did, too.
“I guess not.” I shrugged, but felt my heart rate pick up slightly when I realized the day he walked in on me was the day I stopped shutting the door all the way.
I ran a finger over the knuckle of my index finger, tracing the path Gregory’s thumb had taken the week before. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to get a hold of reality. And fast. He was my professor. I was his student.
But, reluctantly, I caught myself staring at my fingertips, and recalling how the muscles of his hands felt beneath them.
Gregory
Music is communication. It’s emotion. It’s passion and love and hate and expression.
Savannah’s words rolled through my head all the way home, echoing, over and over again, as if she’d somehow punctured my very identity. If all you care about is mechanics and theory, then you’re in the wrong field.
I was in a foul mood when I unlocked the door to my house and entered the living room. I marched into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, opening a bottle of water and gulping it back.
How dare she. This was the reason I didn't want to teach. Right here. In my rage, I found myself repeating myself. How dare she.
I paced back and forth. I needed to practice. I was supposed to be meeting Karin at eight for dinner. I needed to clear my head and get something done. But my mind kept circling around that girl, and it wouldn’t stop. Not just her arguments, which had not only the ring of truth, but reflected very badly on me. My mind turned to her eyes. The graceful, almost ethereal way she moved. The sway of her body and the sound when she played the flute. The music.
I closed my eyes. Because I had no choice. I needed to get a grip on myself. She was a student, for Christ’s sake. Incredibly gifted, yes. Passionate about her music. No question about that. But she was a student. A distraction.
I was a cellist with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. I was at the beginning of what promised to be a remarkable career, a career rivaling those of Casals or Rostropovich, and the last thing I needed was distraction. What I needed was relentless focus. On my music. And nothing else. That was the reason I had no personal life. That was the reason I’d shuffled the blind boy off to a different teacher.
I picked up my phone and sent a text message to Karin, cancelling our date for the evening. I turned the phone off before she could reply, tossed my jacket over the couch, and then unlocked the fireproof case for the Montagnana. As always, I opened the case in reverent silence. I took out the bow, tightening it then applying a fresh layer of rosin. And I began to play.
I began with Bach, the simple, yet beautiful piece which first brought me to my knees when I was a child. After I’d heard it, I’d begged the band director to let me try the cello. For two months, every day, I’d worked through lunch and after school, until I’d mastered just the beginning, using a cello I borrowed every day from the band room. I didn’t tell my parents, because I knew my father would consider it a frivolous pursuit. When he found out, he’d brushed it off as unimportant, but by that time, I was obsessed.
But today. Today, when I played, the low mournful sound that defined the beginning, I saw her. Savannah. The first day of class, when she stood, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, her body swaying, responding to the music.
Did I know even then? Did I know that I would become obsessed with her? That I would sometimes wake in the night and see her brown eyes, her waist, her lips on her flute as she formed magical, incredible music?
Savannah was correct about one thing. I had been too harsh with her. I’d shut her down in class. I’d given her shockingly bad grades when her performance deserved far better. I’d dismissed her ideas, her passions, her talent. Not because they were wrong. But because they disturbed me. Because they were hers. Because she was so much more talented and brilliant than her peers. Because in her, I saw me as I could have been. Living a life that sometimes went beyond the music. Caring about other people. Having friends, dating, and loving.
It was as I had told Robert; You must be willing to sacrifice everything for the music. This wasn’t a hobby. This wasn’t a nice job in an insurance company. This was an artistic calling that required the utmost passion, commitment and sacrifice.
My mind refocused on the music. The smooth movement of the bow, the change of strings, the melody, which picked up and wrapped my mind in the nearest thing to ecstasy I’d ever experienced. My vibrato was just slightly off, and I corrected. This was the worst I’d played in a long time. The sound seemed to me choppy and forced. I frowned in frustration.
Only once before had I allowed emotional and relationship considerations to affect my music. My sophomore year at the conservatory, I’d become involved with a young lady, a violinist. Mariana Passos. Brazilian. Her English was poor, but the music … that was something else entirely. She’d come to the United States on a student visa strictly to attend the New England Conservatory. Lithe, graceful, beautiful. In far too many ways, Savannah reminded me of her. But such things rarely work out. We had a tempestuous breakup, messy beyond measure. I was heartbroken and nearly failed two of my classes that semester.
I’d promised myself I’d never let go again. Not like that. Not in a way that could endanger my career, my life.
As I played, my arms and body unconsciously moved through the measures, and my mind continued down this course to the only clear conclusion. I’d been wrong about Savannah’s grade, and I would correct that. But I’d been right about something else. Savannah wasn’t just a gifted musician. She wasn’t just a beautiful girl. She wasn’t just a brilliant mind. For me, she represented much more than those things. She represented a distraction. If I forced myself to be honest, I was … fascinated with her. Attracted beyond measure.
I wanted her.
Savannah Marshall was dangerous.
Savannah
I was intentionally almost late to Music Theory on Wednesday, waiting until the last second, in hopes of avoiding an awkward discussion with either Nathan or Gregory. Mr. Fitzgerald. I couldn’t look at Nathan right now—the silence between us was cumbersome and I couldn’t stare it down just yet. And Gregory just …
I was tired from tossing and turning two nights in a row. I was cranky. And the last thing I wanted was a run-in with either one of them. I needed time to think. I needed time to process. I needed to be left alone.