“I know.” This was the blessed part of her friendship with Amber. “I just really, really like her.”
“Which is the problem,” Amber stated matter-of-factly.
“I think she likes me too. I think that’s the problem.”
“I know this is not what you want to hear right now, but you’re going to have to move on.”
“I know.” If only Micky knew how. Then she imagined Robin moving on. The thought of running into her with another woman by her side made her stomach roil.
“Either way, I would advise you to play the field, Micky. Your first steps into this brave new world”—only Amber would ever call what Micky had done by that dramatic name—“were glorious. It would be so easy to put a positive spin on it. Remember my first time with Annette Fielding?” Amber fixed her green gaze on Micky. “You’re lucky.”
“Wasn’t your first time with Steven What’s-His-Name?” Micky said, knowing full well she would rile Amber greatly with that comment.
“My real first time.” Amber didn’t even raise her voice. Maybe she’d been doing yoga all weekend and she was so Zen nothing Micky said could rattle her.
“I just feel…” Micky was starting to get sick of feeling sorry for herself. What was it that Amber always said? Introspection is fine. Wallowing is not. “Like I’ve wasted so much time.”
“Though I understand that sentiment, you could also choose to look at things differently. You used your time to build a family, and it gave you two beautiful children—and your best friend two beautiful godchildren. And you do have time, Micky. Time to discover yourself, to find out what you want. There’s no ticking clock here.”
“I’ve been thinking about the spectrum a lot,” Micky said. “Honestly, after the time I spent with Robin, I can’t possibly imagine ever falling for a man again.”
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.” Amber put a hand on Micky’s arm, after which Micky proceeded to tell her about Darren’s new girlfriend Lisa.
“Now you can stop feeling guilty about that as well. Darren has someone new in his life. He’s moving on.”
“It’s just that when he told me about her and I imagined having to tell him and the kids about the new person in my life, it seemed very unfathomable. Like he would never be able to believe it.”
Amber looked at her and didn’t say anything for a few long seconds, then cleared her throat. “I never told you this because I promised I wouldn’t, and I shouldn’t even tell you now, although I think the term for keeping it a secret has passed, and I also think you need to know.”
Micky’s pulse picked up.
“After you first told him you wanted a divorce, Darren came to me. He was actually waiting for me outside the yoga studio, insisting on a chat. We went for a drink, and he asked me flat-out if, firstly, I knew what was going on and, secondly, if you’d ever shown signs of being attracted to women.”
Micky’s jaw slacked; her eyes widened. “He—he did?”
She couldn’t believe Amber had never told her. Then again, anyone, even someone she’d never met before, who swore Amber to secrecy would get it, no questions asked. But this was Darren. And Amber was her best friend.
“The number of times I’ve wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I hope you understand that.” Amber patted Micky’s arm.
“What did you reply?” Micky was trying to process this new piece of information. Had Darren known before she did?
“I told him the truth. I told him that I didn’t know.”
“Even though you did…”
Amber shook her head. “No, I didn’t. You never really told me. Not that you had to, but you never said the words.”
“Why do you think he asked you that question? Did you quiz him about that?” The fact that Darren might have suspected did not sit right with Micky, though, of course, for so many years, he had been the person she was closest to in her life. He was her husband. If it had been the other way around, surely she would have suspected something as well. Yet, he never expressed his suspicions to her.
Amber pondered this question for an instant. “He said it was just a feeling he got sometimes. I think he was just feverishly looking for answers at the time. Leaving no stone unturned.”
“He was a good man, and I hurt him.” No matter how happy Lisa made Darren, and it was absolutely not a given that she would, Micky would always feel guilty about that.
“You had no choice. That’s just how it is sometimes.”
“I should have told him. I should have been brave enough to address the real reason why I was tearing our family apart.”