“What do you want to talk about?” Micky’s voice sounded too petulant to her liking, but she couldn’t take back the tone she’d said the words in.
“I know that yesterday I said there were no rules, but for this to work, I think we will need some, anyway.”
“Why can’t it just be what it is, without having to say it’s this or that? Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?” Micky withdrew her hand from Robin’s grasp and let herself fall onto her back.
“To avoid exactly what is happening now.” Robin pushed herself up on an elbow. “I’ve told you…”
“Yes, yes, I know. You don’t do relationships, and you’re leaving at the end of the year.” It’s only March, Micky wanted to add, with great emphasis.
“I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings between us.” Robin’s voice was kind, as were her eyes on Micky.
“What rules would you even have?” Micky was the one who grabbed for Robin’s hand now. She needed to feel her touch, feel connected to her. “In all these years you’ve lived abroad, have you never… fallen in love?”
“I have, Micky, and then I had to leave. That’s why I can’t let it happen again.”
“How do you even do that? It’s not as if it’s an emotion you can just turn off.”
“By having rules and being vigilant.”
Micky shook her head. “But I want to fall in love. By God, I want it so much. I want to feel what I felt with you last night again and again. I don’t want to be vigilant and have rules about how I’m allowed to feel. I’m too old for that. I’ve wasted too much time. I just want to live and try to be happy. Now that we’re having this talk, I’m not interested in being friends with benefits either. I think it’s a ridiculous concept." Micky looked away from Robin. She could feel her pulse in her throat, throbbing like crazy, as though rooting for her after what she’d just said.
Next to her, Robin sighed. “Then I only have one choice,” she said. “I need to take a step back.”
Micky wasn’t done. She imagined all the words that were spilling out of her right now having piled up in her brain over the past twenty-four hours. Shoved to the side, deemed inappropriate for the moment, until they were too many and came bursting out.
“Why? Why are you like this, Robin? You claim you just want to have fun, yet you suck the fun right out of it with your talk of rules and vigilance. How can you live like that?”
“Because…” Robin pursed her lips together. “I don’t want there to be an imbalance between us. I don’t want you to feel more for me than I can give back and vice versa.”
“What does that even mean?” Micky sat up straighter.
“I’ll tell you what it means. And I know you’ll know what I’m talking about.” Robin fixed her gaze on Micky. “I know because there’s something between us. Something different. Something that, if we don’t pay attention, will turn into much more than the spark it is now.”
“But isn’t that just the most wonderful thing about it?” Micky threw her hands up in exasperation. Of course, she knew what Robin was trying to say, but she did not want to hear those words. “Look.” She placed a hand on Robin’s thigh. “I just celebrated the one-year anniversary of my divorce. I loved my husband, but I would be lying if I said we had a speck of passion left for the past… ten years. There was nothing. Nada. Zilch. Then I met you, and you reintroduced me to what passion really feels like. As though all the passion I had missed out on during the last decade of my life had been compressed in the little time I’ve spent with you. And yes, that’s going to have an impact on me, is going to leave me feeling like a hormonal lesbian-in-puberty, but fuck it, Robin, this”—she pointed at the two of them with widespread fingers—“is exactly what I want. I couldn’t have dreamed of it, but now that I’ve experienced it, I know it’s what I want.”
“I can’t give you what you want.” Robin’s voice didn’t have a lot of smile left in it.
“But you’ve already given it to me.” That pinch of dread in Micky’s stomach was quickly turning into a vise grip of despair around her heart.
“Then it looks like I will have to take it back.” Robin just sat there motionless, making Micky believe she still had a chance to convince her otherwise.
“What are you so afraid of? I don’t understand. What could be more glorious than this?” Of course, Micky could refer to how she felt all she wanted, that didn’t mean Robin felt the same.