No Regrets, No Surrender(38)

“Would it bother you if it was only a fling?” Uncaring of her face mask, Lauren propped her chin into her hand while her elbow rested on one raised knee.

“I….” She thought hard about the answer to that. The sinking feeling in her gut screamed that yes that was a problem. But if she didn’t see herself with two men long-term, why wouldn’t it be an issue for then as well? “Realistically….”

“No. Not realistically. In your heart, does it bother you? Your face fell when I asked that question. So would it bother you?”

Jazz wanted to look away from her, but the woman had presence. She demanded attention. It probably explained her success as an actress, not that she’d seen any of her films. But more than that, she wanted to answer the question. “Yeah. It would bother me. As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want to be only a fling. They’re—they’re amazing, sexy, sweet, honorable men. They make me laugh. They make me want to be more. They make me want more.”

“So what’s the problem?” The words echoed James’ question from every single session so clearly that she could almost hear his more masculine tone overlaying Lauren’s sweeter voice.

“Realism. A long-term relationship requires equal time, equal respect, and equality. It’s hard to be equal when there’s three…and who gets married? Who gets to be dad? If I get pregnant and it’s Zach’s—won’t Logan feel left out? What if it’s Logan’s? Legally, I can’t marry two men and hell, I don’t even know if I want to get married or have kids.”

She hated this weak, wishy-washy shit. She needed to make a fucking decision and live with it. But every time she thought about making a choice, her stomachache came back and her head began to pound. She’d break out into a cold sweat. She didn’t want to lose either man. She didn’t want to come between them.

“I can’t say I understand, because for me it’s James. I don’t want any other guy. Ever. I’ve seen open relationships that worked. Hollywood is full of them. I know this one couple who are amazing parents, amazingly in love and he has lovers—male lovers—but lovers. She doesn’t mind. Because they committed to something between them and they’re happy. I know other couples that lie all day long about how happy they are and go home to ignore each other. We paint a picture of what a romance is supposed to look like, and then we put them under a microscope and judge them if they don’t conform to that picture. But life isn’t a painting. It’s messy and dirty and filled with warts. No one can tell you that a long-term relationship with those guys isn’t a possibility except them and you. Have you talked to them about it?”

Jazz stared at her. If the actress sprouted two heads and four arms, she wouldn’t have been remotely surprised. “It doesn’t bother you that I’m even considering it?”

“Honey, I’m not the one who has to sleep with them, and what you do in the privacy of your home can’t possibly affect what I do in the privacy of mine. So why should it? If they want you and you want them—then go for it.”

A light knock announced their specialist returning, and Jazz twisted to point at the woman. “We need a few more minutes.”

“Um…the masks need to come off.”

Lauren joined her in sending the woman away. “Our pores can use a little more tightening. Shoo.” The technician shook her head, but retreated, and closed the door behind her. “Jasmine, have you talked to them?”

“No. I tried to—no—I didn’t try hard enough. Because I’m not sure I want the answer.” The confession cost her. She didn’t know Lauren well enough to share those kinds of details, but the woman inspired a trust she hadn’t experienced outside of her fellow Marines.

“Then talk to them. Don’t mince your words. Lay your cards on the table. You’re killing yourself because you want something you think you can’t—or shouldn’t—have. That’s a pointless exercise.”

“And if I don’t like the answer, well that sucks balls, but at least I’ll have it.” Boots up, Marine.

“You know, there’s the very real possibility that it can work. Those two are close, closer than brothers. They do everything together. They respect each other. They support each other. James told me that without Zach, Logan wouldn’t have survived what he went through. From what I’ve seen, if Logan hadn’t survived—neither would Zach. So remember that. Now. This mask is itching.”

“Yeah…. Lauren?”