Yeah, no.
Her mother worried enough about her. She loved her mom. They may not always have understood each other or been on the same page, but her mother never made her feel bad about her choices. Not even when that choice included two men. Pastor Robbie wouldn’t feel the same way, nor would most of the members of her mother’s church. Hell, if she couldn’t reconcile the idea that she loved two men, wanted both, and desired a way to be with the two of them forever, how would anyone else?
But what if it isn’t forever? The tiny note of self-doubt crept out of the shadows of her soul. What if this is a fling? I’m assuming they’re looking at forever, too. But two guys don’t plan to be with the same woman for the long term, no matter how great they are. Logan said he wasn’t jealous of Zach, but what happens when—if I get pregnant? That changes things. Do I want to get pregnant?
The thought made her feel vaguely ill. Children, like marriage, were concepts she’d put off to a nebulous future. When she completed her military service, or at least until the action in Afghanistan and Iraq abated. Not that there seemed to be a long-term end coming anytime soon.
“You realize the point of this, the dark room, the mood music, the treatments—it’s to wind down. Not wind up, right?” Lauren chided her in a hushed voice. “I can hear you thinking from here.”
They were alone in the facial room, their treatments working while wind chimes and ocean waves accompanied a soft piano concerto. Jazz barely noticed the music until Lauren brought it up. “I think this is the first time I’ve felt alone enough in my head to think things through.”
“Hmm, too much background noise. Recovery. Doctors. Nurses. Physical therapists. Hot guys. I imagine that’s pretty overwhelming. I feel that way a lot when I’m on set. I have to pack Lauren away and immerse myself in the character or I’ll go crazy. It’s worse at big events or when there’s a huge press presence. You can’t frown thinking about something, whether it’s the picture or if you’ve paid your electrical bill, because someone snaps a shot and begins to speculate—usually wildly speculate.” No self-pity presented itself in her words, just simple acceptance of her life. “James isn’t particularly fond of the press part, but he’s amazing when we have to do it. He gives them this stern, firm look and they back up obediently. Marines are so sexy.”
Jazz teetered on the edge of laughter, but her chuckle echoed with unshed tears, and she blinked rapidly to force them back. “The guys are great. They have been more than great. They stuck around even when I gibbered like a gibbon. They take care of me. They bathe me. They feed me. They drive me to all my appointments. They’re great.”
Pushy Lauren returned. “But?”
“It’s not worth complaining about.” They weren’t screwing anything up. She was.
“Of course it is. I don’t care how much someone loves you. If they hover, it can get annoying. Those guys are good looking men, you don’t want to look like a patient to them or someone they have to take care of, you want to be sexy and attractive.” Score another point to the bubbly blonde. Her cheerful attitude disguised a very sharp and observant mind.
Jazz’s mouth tightened. “It’s not that simple.” Logan definitely made me feel attractive last night. Her body warmed at the memory, the feeling of his hands caressing her, teasing her nipples, stroking her sides, and the hard intensity in his eyes when he slid his cock inside her. She shifted against the chair, a little mortified at the tension coiling through her. She wanted him right now. She wanted to feel him thrusting inside of her while she kissed Zach.
Damn it. She ordered her body to stand down, but her brain continued its decadent assault of images.
“It may not be simple. I’m not a Marine. I don’t know what it takes to go through what you’ve been through. But I can try to draw parallels to understand better, and I’m really good at listening.”
Jazz turned her head to the right and looked at her roommate. Her hair was hidden beneath a towel and her face was the color of lime with speckles of dirt sprinkled on top. She didn’t look remotely glamorous, yet she still appeared utterly feminine. “It’s not about being a Marine. It’s not even about the IED. It’s about them and me loving both of them. It’s about not being able to choose between them and wondering if I’m making more out of this than there is.”
“How so?” Lauren sat up, ignoring the whole kick back and relax atmosphere and sat sideways in the chair.
“What if it’s a fling? What if I should stop worrying about who to pick and just enjoy it while it lasts?” She hated how self-involved that sounded, but they’d never talked about what came next. They chatted about Mike’s Place, the theatre, her assignment, Zach’s sport teams, Logan’s plans to finish his certification as a physical therapist. They talked about their individual goals and accomplishments. They never talked about the three of them.