I was about eleven at the time. Those words had stuck like thorns in my skin that day and had never fallen away.
I realised, as Karen stood still waiting for me to say something, that I’d spent my entire life trying to be small; trying to keep out of everyone’s way, so I’d be no bother. My sole aim in life, it now occurred to me, was to be useful. Like holding the ladders and passing the tools to my dad; like stealing the exam paper and spying for Jodie. I thought that at least would give me a reason for people to like me, because there was so little else going for me. But all that was in the past. I’d had enough of feeling diminished a long time ago. And I wasn’t going back.
I wasn’t going to wait.
I was about to turn away and finally make the call, when something struck me. I had to stay near the phone, but as long as Karen was out of my sight I didn’t know what she was up to. And Brody – I needed him right by me to make sure he was safe.
‘Get Brody and come right down.’ I told her. ‘I’m waiting here right by the phone until you do.’
Chapter 47
Present Day
Big problem. Should have locked the bathroom door! So close to getting away with it – damn it. Alice has found out and my cover is blown. I need to stop and think this through.
Will have to lay things on a bit heavier now – she’s no longer the pushover she was at Leeds. At least I don’t need to pretend we’re friends anymore. Nevertheless, got to think quickly to minimise the damage.
How can she possibly understand? How can anyone? She doesn’t know what happened to me and how much I lost. Being a mother is a primitive drive for me – as basic as breathing and I can’t fight it.
She’s waiting – the time has come. I need to face her. She’s about to call the police. I’ve got to stop her. It’s as simple as that.
I’m ready.
Chapter 48
I had the receiver in my hand when Karen reached the bottom of the stairs holding Brody.
‘After everything I’ve done for you – you’d turn me in?’ she said. She lifted Brody into the playhouse and approached me, looking broken.
‘Am I supposed to be indebted to you for ever?’ I said.
‘I thought we were better than this, Alice.’ Her words were soft, enticing, but a voice inside me said, Enough. I wasn’t going to get pulled into this again; get tricked into believing she thought our relationship was worth something.
Only as this fiasco unfolded had I realised how one-sided our relationship had always been. I’d confided everything to Karen at Uni and she’d listened, cajoled, given advice – whatever I’d needed, but it had never worked the other way around. I hadn’t noticed it at the time, but she’d never told me anything deeply personal or shared her worries, her doubts, her failings. It was never equal. We weren’t best friends; she was my best friend – there was a difference.
I was always so grateful to have someone in my corner that it hadn’t been an issue, but now I saw it was all false. When we were at Uni, I thought I had to ‘earn’ my right to be her friend, but real friends don’t operate like that. They support each other, share and stand up for each other – they don’t set tasks and offer token friendship as the reward.
It was time for some straight talking, some home truths. ‘Karen, be honest. You’ve never really liked me, have you?’
Her face dropped.
‘You’ve only ever used me. All that chumminess at Leeds was about getting me to do your little jobs for you and Jodie. I’m deeply ashamed of that now – sneaking around for you, lying, stealing, spying for you. I did it so you’d like me. I admired you, you know. I thought you were terrific – so courageous and inspiring. I wanted to be like you. Now, I’d much rather be me; plain and unsophisticated. At least I’ve never been to prison!’
‘I told you I didn’t kill my baby,’ she said.
I only had her word for it and that didn’t mean much anymore.
‘I kept trying to work out why you’d invited me here, but I get it now. This whole escapade was a charade to cover up the abduction of a child. Unbelievable!’
I wanted her to deny it. To insist that it hadn’t only been about that. To claim that she’d missed me and wanted to renew our friendship, but, of course, she didn’t.
‘You knew I’d come, because I owed you for the way you helped me – and you banked on me doing as I was told.’ My voice was cracking with anger and loss, but I kept going. ‘You also needed me to keep quiet. You could be sure I wouldn’t tell anyone you killed Charlie – but I’ve worked it all out, Karen. You were in on the abduction with him and something went wrong. You hit Charlie over the head…’