No Longer Forbidden(60)

Rowan hitched her shoulder, dismissing it because it was exactly as she had expected. Gowns and empty purses. Jewelry she didn’t want to sell.

“About the gowns—I’ve had emails,” she began with a concerned frown.

“I know. I’ve … done something else. I went to see your father.”

“What?” Dread poured into her, making her want to sink through the floor and disappear. One pained word came out. “Why?”

“Cassandra was meant to be taken care of, and he was still married to her. It seemed right to make sure there was something in place for him. Don’t look like that, Ro. It wasn’t bad. I liked him. I see where you get your sense of humor. And I was there first thing in the morning, so he was relatively sober,” he allowed with a diffident shrug. “I’ve purchased his building, so rent will never be a problem again, and hired a caretaker to go in every day. A man who will cook and clean and has a background in addiction rehabilitation. We had a heart-to-heart, your father and I, about losing parents and that maybe you don’t need to face that again any time soon. I don’t know if it will make a difference, but …”

“That’s incredibly generous, Nic,” she said to his shoes. “I’ll pay you back—”

He took a firm hold of her jaw, his warm thumb covering her lips to still them as he drew her face up so he could look into her eyes. The impact of his touch, his closeness, the deep eye contact was earth-shattering.

“Don’t you dare.”

“But—” She was coming apart inside, fighting the urge to shift her lips into his palm and kiss him. “I don’t want to owe you,” she whispered.

“You don’t want to be my mistress. I know that. None of this comes with a catch. I’m not trying to buy you, Rowan. I just want to know you’re looked after, not breaking your leg or—” A completely uncharacteristic agitation seemed to grip him. He took his hand from her face to rub it over his own. “I want to know you’ll be at Rosedale sometimes and I might have a shot at seeing you, that you’re not out of my life forever.”

“You want to see me?” A very fragile hope, one she’d had to tamp down on a million times, began to twine up from the depths of her heart.

He reached into his pocket, drawing out a small velvet box that he set next to the sink with almost confrontational determination. “I want to marry you.”

Rowan was so stunned she reflexively backed away until her legs hit the edge of the bench and she sat down in a clumsy heap, her head falling into her hands as she tried to deal with all he was throwing at her. The key dug into her closed fist. Too much to process. Now a ring?

“All right, just see me,” he rushed out gruffly. “That’s enough. Just be in my life, Rowan. Even if it’s like it used to be—a few times a year. Whatever you want. Just don’t make me live with this loneliness that hits every time I think of that house without you in it. I can’t go near Rosedale, but I can’t knock it down and obliterate the only good memories I have.”

“Nic …” Her voice didn’t want to work, catching and quavering in her throat while her icy fingers shook against her numb lips. Her heart pounded as though she’d been running for her life and now she was cornered. Not safe, but maybe … just maybe …

“Do you love me?” she risked.

His face tightened and started to close, but before he could withdraw into the unreachable man she could only dream of from afar Rowan threw herself at him, wrapping anxious arms around his rain-dappled coat and big, unyielding body.

“You don’t have to say it. This is enough.”

“I want to say it,” he said tightly, as though struggling with a great burden.

She squeezed him tighter. “It’s okay. It’s enough that you’re here. I love you. I always have.” Joy flooded through her as she finally admitted it to herself, to him—

Hard hands caught her upper arms and pushed her away. He held on to her, but his incredulous and furious expression scared her. “You’ve always loved me?”

Oh, she’d made a terrible, horrible miscalculation—opening her heart like this and assuming a bit of nostalgia on his part was anything like the soaring love she felt. Sickened, she could only stand there dumbfounded.

“Then why did you leave me?” he asked in a voice of abject despair.

Shock gave way to a slam of relief, followed by heartrending regret.

“You can’t just rip a man apart like that,” he rebuked.

“But you hated me for years. You only asked me to stay as your mistress,” she reminded him with a spark of offense. Her pique crumpled as her view of a shared future with him struck a brick wall. “And since I can’t give you a baby, and you want one—”