I cut and run.
The old man thought about that. After a while he said: I got to assume that it seemed like a pretty good idea at the time.
Yeah, Bell said. It did.
What would of happened if you'd stayed there?
They'd of come up in the dark and lobbed grenades in on me. Or maybe gone back up in the woods and called in another round.
Yeah.
Bell sat there with his hands crossed on the oilcloth. He looked at his uncle. The old man said: I aint sure what it is you're askin me.
I aint either.
You left your buddies behind.
Yeah.
You didnt have no choice.
I had a choice. I could of stayed.
You couldnt of helped em.
Probably not. I thought about takin that .30 caliber off about a hundred feet or so and waitin till they throwed their grenades or whatever. Lettin em come on up. I could of killed a few more. Even in the dark. I dont know. I set there and watched it come night. Pretty sunset. It had done cleared up by then. Had finally quit rainin. That field had been sowed in oats and there was just the stalks. Fall of the year. I watched it get dark and I had not heard nothin from anybody that was in the wreckage there for a while. They might could of all been dead by then. But I didnt know that. And quick as it got dark I got up and I left out of there. I didnt even have a gun. I dang sure wasnt haulin that .30 caliber with me. My head had quit hurtin some and I could even hear a little. It had quit rainin but I was wet through and I was cold to where my teeth was chatterin. I could make out the dipper and I headed due west as near as I could make it and I just kept goin. I passed a house or two but there wasnt nobody around. It was a battle-zone, that country. People had just left out. Come daylight I laid up in a patch of woods. What woods it was. That whole country looked like a burn. Just the treetrunks was all that was left. And sometime that next night I come to an American position and that was pretty much it. I thought after so many years it would go away. I dont know why I thought that. Then I thought that maybe I could make up for it and I reckon that's what I have tried to do.
They sat. After a while the old man said: Well, in all honesty I cant see it bein all that bad. Maybe you ought to ease up on yourself some.
Maybe. But you go into battle it's a blood oath to look after the men with you and I dont know why I didnt. I wanted to. When you're called on like that you have to make up your mind that you'll live with the consequences. But you dont know what the consequences will be. You end up layin a lot of things at your own door that you didnt plan on. If I was supposed to die over there doin what I'd give my word to do then that's what I should of done. You can tell it any way you want but that's the way it is. I should of done it and I didnt. And some part of me has never quit wishin I could go back. And I cant. I didnt know you could steal your own life. And I didnt know that it would bring you no more benefit than about anything else you might steal. I think I done the best with it I knew how but it still wasnt mine. It never has been.
The old man sat for a long time. He was bent slightly forward looking at the floor. After a while he nodded. I think I know where this is goin, he said.
Yessir.
What do you think he would of done?
I know what he would of done.
Yeah. I guess I do too.
He'd of set there till hell froze over and then stayed a while on the ice.
Do you think that makes him a better man than you?
Yessir. I do.
I might could tell you some things about him that would change your mind. I knew him pretty good.
Well sir, I doubt that you could. With all due respect. Besides which I doubt that you would.
I aint. But then I might say that he lived in different times. Had Jack of been born fifty years later he might of had a different view of things.
You might. But nobody in this room would believe it.
Yeah, I expect that's true. He looked up at Bell. What did you tell me for?
I think I just needed to unload my wagon.
You waited long enough about doin it.
Yessir. Maybe I needed to hear it myself. I'm not the man of an older time they say I am. I wish I was. I'm a man of this time.
Or maybe this was just a practice run.
Maybe.
You aim to tell her?
Yessir, I guess I do.
Well.
What do you think she'll say?
Well, I expect you might come out of it a little better than what you think.
Yessir, Bell said. I surely hope so.
X
He said I was bein hard on myself Said it was a sign of old age. Tryin to set things right. I guess there's some truth to that. But it aint the whole truth. I agreed with him that there wasnt a whole lot good you could say about old age and he said he knew one thing and I said what is that. And he said it dont last long. I waited for him to smile but he didnt. I said well, that's pretty cold. And he said it was no colder than what the facts called for. So that was all there was about that. I knew what he'd say anyways, bless his heart. You care about people you try and lighten their load for em. Even when it's self-ordained. The other thing that was on my mind I never even got around to but I believe it to be related because I believe that whatever you do in your life it will get back to you. If you live long enough it will. And I can think of no reason in the world for that no-good to of killed that girl. What did she ever do to him? The truth is I never should of gone up there in the first place. Now they got that Mexican up here in Huntsville for killin that state trooper that he shot him and set his car afire and him in it and I dont believe he done it. But that's what he's goin to get the death penalty for. So what is my obligation there? I think I have sort of waited for all of this to go away somehow or another and of course it aint. I think I knew that when it started. It had that feel to it. Like I was fixin to get drug into somethin where the road back was goin to be a pretty long one.