I know what you mean.
I know you do.
The old man smoked. If what you're askin me is what made me the unhappiest then I think you already know that.
Yessir.
And it aint this chair. And it aint this cotton eye.
Yessir. I know that.
You sign on for the ride you probably think you got at least some notion of where the ride's goin. But you might not. Or you might of been lied to. Probably nobody would blame you then. If you quit. But if it's just that it turned out to be a little roughern what you had in mind. Well. That's somethin else.
Bell nodded.
I guess some things are better not put to the test.
I guess that's right.
What would it take to run Loretta off?
I dont know. I guess I'd have to do somethin that was pretty bad. It damn sure wouldnt be just cause things got a little rough. She's done been there a time or two.
Ellis nodded. He tipped the ash from his smoke into a jar-lid on the table. I'll take your word on that, he said.
Bell smiled. He looked around. How fresh is that coffee?
I think it's all right. I generally make a fresh pot here ever week even if there is some left over.
Bell smiled again and rose and carried the pot to the counter and plugged it in.
They sat at the table drinking coffee out of the same crazed porcelain cups that had been in that house since before he was born. Bell looked at the cup and he looked around the kitchen. Well, he said. Some things dont change, I reckon.
What would that be? the old man said.
Hell, I dont know.
I dont either.
How many cats you got?
Several. Depends on what you mean by got. Some of em are half wild and the rest are just outlaws. They run out the door when they heard your truck.
Did you hear the truck?
How's that?
I said did you… You're havin a little fun with me.
What give you that idea?
Did you?
No. I seen the cats skedaddle.
You want some more of this?
I'm done.
The man that shot you died in prison.
In Angola. Yes.
What would you of done if he'd been released?
I dont know. Nothin. There wouldnt be no point to it. There aint no point to it. Not to any of it.
I'm kindly surprised to hear you say that.
You wear out, Ed Tom. All the time you spend tryin to get back what's been took from you there's more goin out the door. After a while you just try and get a tourniquet on it. Your grandad never asked me to sign on as deputy with him. I done that my own self. Hell, I didnt have nothin else to do. Paid about the same as cowboyin. Anyway, you never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from. I was too young for one war and too old for the next one. But I seen what come out of it. You can be patriotic and still believe that some things cost more than what they're worth. Ask them Gold Star mothers what they paid and what they got for it. You always pay too much. Particularly for promises. There aint no such thing as a bargain promise. You'll see. Maybe you done have.
Bell didnt answer.
I always thought when I got older that God would sort of come into my life in some way. He didnt. I dont blame him. If I was him I'd have the same opinion about me that he does.
You dont know what he thinks.
Yes I do.
He looked at Bell. I can remember one time you come to see me after you all had moved to Denton. You walked in and you looked around and you asked me what I intended to do.
All right.
You wouldnt ask me now though, would you?
Maybe not.
You wouldnt.
He sipped the rank black coffee.
You ever think about Harold? Bell said.
Harold?
Yes.
Not much. He was some older than me. He was born in ninety-nine. Pretty sure that's right. What made you think about Harold?
I was readin some of your mother's letters to him, that's all. I just wondered what you remembered about him.
Was they any letters from him?
No.
You think about your family. Try to make sense out of all that. I know what it did to my mother. She never got over it. I dont know what sense any of that makes either. You know that gospel song? We'll understand it all by and by? That takes a lot of faith. You think about him goin over there and dyin in a ditch somewheres. Seventeen year old. You tell me. Because I damn sure dont know.
I hear you. Did you want to go somewheres?
I dont need nobody haulin me around. I aim to just set right here. I'm fine, Ed Tom.
It aint no trouble.
I know it.
All right.
Bell watched him. The old man stubbed out his cigarette in the lid. Bell tried to think about his life. Then he tried not to. You aint turned infidel have you Uncle Ellis?