It would have been funny, if it hadn't been so depressing, that it's literally pouring when I emerge from the hotel and flag a cab to return home. I'd gotten lost in that little bubble of Suite 403, and if it hadn't been for Casey sending me home to get my laptop, I realize I wouldn't have experienced fresh air in days. I cringe when I consider that's Luke's life now. At least when he had Jemma's, he had some interaction with the world. I decide my next goal has to be getting him out of his room.
It's almost strange being back in my apartment. So much has changed in the last few days, I've changed, and it almost doesn't feel like home anymore. Not that Luke's place does either. Maybe it's that I've realized I don't really have a home, just places I live. Is that how Luke and Casey feel? Always moving, never belonging. What's changed is that the thought doesn't totally make me sad anymore. It's hard to feel lonely when I've just spent days filling myself to the brink with two incredible people. I'm almost exhausted from it, and yet, I find myself missing them already. It's absurd, I know. I'd been so eager for air and space, and now I keep checking my phone in hopes of closing the gap again.
I set to work, mostly to distract myself, and begin tidying up a bit, collecting my dirty clothes, and shoving a fresh supply of travel necessities into a bag for when I return to the suite. There were several items I'd wished I'd had over the last couple days, and I run a mental checklist as I survey my apartment. When I get to my bed, I stop with a sigh, realizing I should probably stay here for the night. I can't actually live in Suite 403, right? Crashing there on occasion is fine, but …
Yeah, I'm staying here. It's settled. I'll give Casey his space, Luke his privacy. Maybe even give them time alone to repair and explore what they can't when I'm there. And goodness knows there's plenty for them to repair and explore.
My phone buzzes and I glance down in anticipation, instinctively grinning at Casey's name. I read his message, a quick apology followed by a silly grin, and know he couldn't have said anything more perfect. It's him in all his glory, and I write back that I'm not upset, just taking care of some stuff here before I go back. I'll see him tomorrow.
My phone rings a second later, and I shake my head with a smile.
"Tomorrow?" he asks, clearly not happy.
"Yeah, I thought you guys should have some time alone. Like I said, I have a lot to take care of here," I lie. He's still quiet, and I glance at the clock. "Besides, it's already three. You guys have been great, but I'm not going to take advantage of your hospitality."
I can feel his scoff through the phone. "Yeah, because that's what this is. Us being nice," he mutters.
"That's not what I mean. I miss you already, it's just … I don't know. It would be weird for me to be there all the time. Remember how freaked out you were when you thought I had moved in?"
He's quiet again, and I wish I could see his face to read his silence. "No, I get it. If that's what you want. Ok, well, I should get going. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Casey … " I don't want to part with him upset.
"What? I said I get it."
"I don't think you do."
"I'm not going to beg you to come back," he snaps, and my stomach drops. He hasn't spoken to me like that since we'd become friends. It's my first reminder that he's human, too. Maybe even slightly more entitled than I want him to be.
Even the perfect ones can't be perfect all the time.
"Come on, I would never expect you to. You know that. I'm amazed you even talk to me at all."
He's quiet again. I can hear his sigh through the phone. "Callie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's been … I don't know … it's been a weird day. I know I was acting like an idiot when you left. I know why you did, but I regretted it as soon as you were gone. It's better when you're here. I don't know why, it just is."
I take a deep breath, feeling better for a dozen reasons.
"Thanks, Casey. That means a lot. I miss you, too. I'll be back first thing tomorrow, ok? I really need to do laundry and pay some bills and stuff." I pause. "Just do me a favor and take advantage of this time alone. Try to talk to Luke, ok? You both love each other and are so important to each other."
"I can't do it on my own, Callie. I told you how hard I tried. It's not up to me."
"No, but Luke isn't the same person he was the last time you tried."
More silence. I've given him a lot to think about and am starting to feel good about my decision to separate again. Maybe he's becoming too important to me, too. A little space will do us both some good.
"Good night, Casey."
"Good night, Callie. Bring breakfast with you tomorrow."
I'm not sure if he's joking or not, but at least the smile is back in his voice.
∞∞∞
I purchase four new albums after I hang up and download them to my phone. I pop in my headphones and, thirty seconds into the first song, abandon all plans of being productive.
I don't know what I expected. Maybe it's because they've always been just Luke and Casey to me. My friends whom I miss and can't wait to get back to after our spontaneous recess. In the bubble world of Luke's suite, their music was that hesitant strumming on an old beat-up guitar. That was Night Shifts Black. But I was so wrong.
I'd forgotten they are also Luke Craven and Casey Barrett, rock superstars with the awards to prove it, and I actually feel stupid as the saturated music invades my ears. I'm particularly horrified that I let them see my own "art" and even thought for a second I could be in their league. I don't know why Casey is pretending to work with my verses, but the thought that I had even offered to "help" him write music would make me laugh if not for the fact that it's so humiliating.
I'd heard of Night Shifts Black, of course I had, but I hadn't even realized half these songs were theirs. Luke's celebrity appeal probably made them more popular in the mainstream than their style of music otherwise would have invited, but it definitely resonates with me, and I love every second of it. Luke's voice is powerful, beautiful and haunting at the same time. I listen closely to the percussion, blown away by Casey's skill. To think they constructed these songs, created this mastery from nothing. To think that my silly mirror poem might sound like this in their heads.
I can't help myself. I pick up my phone again and find Casey's number. I begin typing.
"Listening to your stuff now."
"Yeah? What do you think?"
"That I can't believe you even spent two seconds on my stupid poems."
"Haha i love your poems"
"Why didn't you tell me you guys were so good?"
"I tried. You wouldn't listen."
I actually do laugh out loud at that one. He has a point, and I'm so filled with awe, honored that someone who could create masterpieces like this would have the patience for my own bumbling attempts at expression. After our previous spat, I can't possibly return to him right now, but I want to. So badly.
"It's incredible, Casey. Really. I wish I had listened sooner. You guys are legit."
"Thanks. Wait until you hear what I'm thinking for your song."
"I don't know if I can wait after hearing this. Is it Friday yet?"
"I wish. Hey, it's weird here. Hurry back."
"Not going well with Luke?"
"Does Watching TV together in awkward silence count?"
"Are you fighting?"
"No."
"Then sure."
"haha"
"You and I spent hours watching TV in awkward silence. Were you texting someone to rescue you then?"
"It was only awkward because I was trying to figure out the best way to get a kiss. Not the same with Luke."
My heart pounds and I have to force air into my lungs.
"Really? You didn't try very hard."
"You seemed really into Dead Head. I can't compete with zombies."
I grin. I know he is.
"You know, I'm really enjoying all the pictures of you on the internet. Do they not let you wear clothes in the photo shoots? Is that a contract thing or something?"
"Funny. You're the first to complain."
"Not complaining. Just wondering why drummers and lead singers can't afford anything but undershirts."
A photo pops up, and I laugh. It's Casey at some formal event with a tux, tie, and signature goofy smile. His tie is loose of course, top button open, hair messy, but he looks amazing.
"Hmm … not sure if I like you better with or without clothing."
"Come back over and we can figure it out."
My blood pounds.
"Tempted. But nope. We're still on break. Hey, did you know there's an actual movement called 'Team Casey'?"
"hahaha You should see the t-shirts and hats. They're not bad actually. I give Jessica M. props."
"Jessica M?"
"The founder of 'Team Casey.' Cool girl actually."
"You've met her?"
"Of course. A few times. Thanks to Jessica M there was actually a Team Casey before a Team Luke."
"Your ego never ceases to amaze me."
"Ego! These are just facts, babe. Get used to it. Wait … are you jealous?"