"I killed her," he sobs, pounding the floor. "I … "
I pull him tighter as he continues to melt into the carpet. I said what needed to be said. There are no more words for this. None that I know anyway.
So we wait, melded together, transported to a place where there is no time. No rules. No expectations. Just Luke and I, slowly dissolving into something else, something we don't understand yet, and can't begin to define.
He killed her. Maybe. But only in the same way he's now killing himself. Turning lies into truth. Allowing the mirror to reflect that new distorted truth and giving it the power to shine through every thread, every second, of his existence. It's a prison of the worst kind since it only shows one captor, one executioner, one victim, one criminal. One blighted life that's infecting the rest of us. Luke. Just Luke.
It showed me once. Sometimes, on the really bad days, it still does, and I'd almost guarantee it showed Elena before she decided she couldn't look anymore. It's that damn mirror, devouring souls with its lies, and I realize at that moment why I'm here. I know what I am to him, what I have to do. I'm not here to be his girlfriend, or his nurse, or his counselor, or even his friend. I'm a hammer, and I'm not leaving until that damn mirror is destroyed.
I'm not sure how much time passes like that. I can hear the distant door clatter and know Casey has returned from his errand. I'm disappointed in a way, almost fearful, as the sound forces us back from our exclusive universe. I'm not sure if my job is done, but there's Time again, mocking us by ending this round.
"You should go," Luke whispers, but I just kiss his head and hold on.
"I'm not leaving."
"But Casey … "
"Understands a lot more than you think." I force his head up, and suck in my breath when our eyes finally connect us again in reality. "He was a friend to you when you didn't deserve one. That's who Casey is."
Luke nods and pulls away. Leaning against the side of the desk, he rests his head on his knees.
"You have no idea," he breathes. "Please, Callie. I'm ok now. I'll be ok. I just need a few minutes."
I study him carefully, evaluating his mind, his heart, his soul like Casey had done with his body the night before. I want to believe him. I've hit hard with my first major strike, and decide it can be enough for now.
"I'll be right outside. If you're not out with us for dinner in ten minutes I'm coming back."
He doesn't respond other than to wrap his arms around his legs, and I finally let him go.
"I love you, Luke. And you know the kind I mean. The kind that won't be defined and won't go away."
He glances up and settles his gaze on me. I touch his cheek briefly before leaving him to his broken glass.
∞∞∞
"You ok?" Casey asks when I join him in the kitchenette. "Wait, did you just come out of the office?"
He stares down the hall, obviously confused.
"Long story. What'd you find?"
Casey grins, and it's exactly what I need at the moment. I swear that smile could do anything. I wonder if he even knows the dangerous weapon he has.
"Burgers. But not just any burger. Here, try this."
I'm expecting tin foil wrapped mounds to come out of the fancy bag, but instead they're extravagant boxes of some kind. Probably high-end organic, recycled cardboard originally harvested from sustainable seaweed beds or something. That makes no sense. Whatever. It was a difficult morning. There's a simple logo on top, which is how I know this burger is more expensive than anything I've ever eaten.
I almost cringe at the thought.
"You're not going to laugh at me again because I've never tasted a burger that costs more than a pair of socks, are you?"
"A bit sensitive, I see," he snickers.
"Well, sorry, but you seem to take pleasure in exposing me to all the forbidden fruit of rock star living."
Casey chuckles and shakes his head. "Now, you're just being dramatic."
"Am I? First the champagne, now the fancy burgers."
"I'm from a family of twelve. Trust me, I do not need to eat like this to survive." He shrugs. "I don't know. I just thought … I wanted you to try something you otherwise wouldn't. I thought you'd like it."
Touched on so many levels, I'm not sure how to respond at first. I don't understand how he can keep surprising me, but his timing is impeccable. I cover the distance between us, and he stills as I wrap my arms around him.
I can feel him laughing to himself in surprise. "What's this?"
"Nothing," I murmur, resting my head against his chest. His own arms tighten around me as he sighs.
"Will Luke be joining us?" he asks quietly, knowingly. I keep forgetting how intuitive he is.
"I'm not sure. Maybe." I pull back so I can see his face. "Something happened while you were out. I … I don't know what yet, but something. It may be what we've been waiting for."
He brushes some stray strands of hair from my face, and I think about the burgers resting two feet away. So stupid, but so important that I can feel the tears burning again. After everything, after what I just endured with Luke, it feels so good to have someone taking care of me for once, caring about me. Knowing that they want to be part of my world and follow me into my nightmares to battle my demons. Casey hasn't said as much, and maybe he never will. Maybe he will leave in a couple days to return to his other life and forget all about me, but right now, right at this moment, he is significant. He's exactly what I need, whether conscious or not, and I'm grateful.
"Thank you," I whisper, and he kisses me.
This time, I'm ready for it and let myself melt into him. I let myself get lost, starting to think maybe I can heal, too. Maybe there's hope for me somehow in this whole whirlwind of desperation and compassion. He tastes so good, so pure, which makes no sense given what he is, but I start to get it now. What he is, is not who he is. What Luke is, is not who he is. What I am, is not who I am. None of us are. It's the rest of the world that tells us what we are, regardless of who we are. Strip it away and we just are. Luke, Casey, me. We're not different, we're just burdened by different expectations.
"Wow," he says as we finally pull away. "Now, that's a proper thank you. You could have just gotten me a beer."
I laugh and hit him, loving his playful return grin.
"Yeah, well, these burgers better be worth it."
∞∞∞
Casey sees him first with the better vantage point, and I'm grateful he chooses to go with his easy smile as a greeting.
He shoves the third box toward the empty seat beside me at the island, and Luke pulls out the stool.
"Adaline's?" Luke asks, his own lips cracking into the slightest of smiles.
"Thought we could all use a dose of heaven after our night of Hell."
Luke doesn't respond, but I can tell he agrees.
"Callie, here, is a convert already."
"How can I not be?" I mutter through a mouthful of perfectly grilled brioche, arugula, beef, and a bunch of other stuff I never would have thought to put on a burger because I didn't know it existed and/or was edible.
"We should take her to 49th & Finch."
Casey's eyes light up at the thought. "We totally should. Oh man, they have the best bar food."
"Bar food?" I ask, skeptically. "So basically you guys just upgraded the same stuff you ate when you first started out as a garage band ten years ago."
Casey grins. "Basically. Although to be fair, we still eat that stuff, too."
I laugh. "And you're not 500 pounds, why? Because I'm pretty sure I would be."
Casey shrugs. "I don't know, good question. Stress?"
I shake my head. "Ok, first of all, if you're going to hang with me, you're going to learn to eat a vegetable."
"What about fruit cups?" Luke asks with snicker, and I glance over at him in surprise, then amusement.
"Yes, that's a start."
"Fruit cups?" Casey asks.
"Part of my standard balanced breakfast order at Jemma's," I explain.
"She doesn't drink coffee either."
"I noticed that this morning!"
"I like tea. So what?" I shoot back, crossing my arms. "You know what? I'm so sick of your holier-than-thou attitudes. You think I'm the one who baffles the mind? What about the two of you?"
They both smile, clearly liking the challenge. "Yeah, what about us?" Casey asks, taking the bait.
I grunt. "Ok, well, first of all. Explain to me why two guys with more money than they probably know what to do with, two guys who have an entire mall's-worth of clothing options just a personal shopper away, point to the plain, ratty t-shirt and say, 'Yes. That's it. That's what I want.'"
They laugh, and Luke shakes his head. "Again with the t-shirts! You really have a vendetta, don't you?" he teases.
I raise my eyebrows and give them an obvious appraisal. "Am I wrong? You two look identical right now."
Casey visibly braces for the fight. "Well, first of all, if you recall, I'm actually wearing his clothes, so … "
"And, second of all, I thought we already established pink polo shirts weren't my thing," Luke adds.