Night Shifts Black(25)

Casey is oblivious when I emerge from the room, still seated at the island, studying his phone. He glances up at my entrance, but his smile fades when he sees my face. 

"You're still mad. I'm sorry, we didn't … "

I cut him off with a hug. He doesn't speak, even though I know he's confused as my arms tighten around him. He reciprocates, and I feel his chin resting on my head. He adjusts so we can be closer.

"What is it? What's wrong?" he asks, allowing me to settle into him.

I want to say something, to explain, but I don't know how. Nothing's wrong and everything's wrong. And some things are right, but maybe not enough things.

"I want you to stay," I whisper. "No matter what happens, what he says or does, you need to stay. Please?" I ask, pulling back so I can search his face.

His eyes fill with concern, and I realize how beautiful they are. I'd thought there could be nothing more consuming than the painful depth of Luke's gaze until I got lost in the compassionate abyss of Casey's.

He just nods. I know he knows there's more to this, that he's going to regret his promise as much as be glad for it, but he makes it, silently, and I rest against him again, holding on.

"I can't help him alone, Casey. I know that now. He needs you. I need you, too."

"I'm not going anywhere," he responds softly.

"Promise?" I ask, looking up at him again.

He nods. "Promise."

I force an awkward smile that he returns, suddenly feeling safe again. It's funny how Luke stirs me up but Casey seems to calm me down.

"He told you he wanted me gone, didn't he," Casey guesses after a long pause.

I don't respond at first. It does us no good to lie.

"Yes, but not for the reasons you'd think. I actually think it's because he believes he's bad for you. I think he's afraid he'll drag you down with him. He said 'again.' What does that mean?"

Casey looks away, conflicted, and sighs.

"Please, Casey, I'm tired of being involved in your lives and yet not knowing anything. I don't know how to help, how to even act, when I'm around you two."

He nods and glances down the hall, probably to make sure we're alone, before leading me to the couch. We sit facing each other, and I wait as he gathers his thoughts.

"If you think things are bad now, you should have seen what happened after Elena," he begins quietly. "Luke completely imploded. I doubt he even remembers the first month. The band took a hiatus, everyone understood, and the publicity actually helped us. You know how tragedy goes … well, as long as it's not your fault." He stops and looks away. "And it wasn't, and the media had a field day with it. Our Label didn't help matters and sucked every last dollar and headline they could out of Luke's devastation."

He takes a deep breath. "The problem is, it kind of was his fault. Not in an obvious way, a criminal way," he adds quickly. "But the kind of way that tears you apart inside and turns compassion into poison." He quiets again. "Everyone said he just needed time … and space. Even the other guys let him go. They wouldn't have known what to do with him anyway, but I couldn't. I stuck by him." He looks up again, and I can see how painful this story is, and yet, how relieved he is to finally release some of it.

He lets out a bitter laugh. "Oh, he hated me for it, believe me, and made nothing easy, but he was my brother, and I couldn't just abandon him and take advantage of his pain like everyone else."

He sits back and shakes his head at another memory.

"You know, at one point the Label almost cut me because I refused to be part of some major cable 'special' about the whole thing. I don't know why Sweeny and Eli did it, but they did. I guess the Label realized Night Shifts Black couldn't afford to lose both Luke and me, so they agreed to let me sit out the interview if I agreed to participate in another tour. We had canceled the rest of the current one after what happened."



       
         
       
        

"And Luke blames himself for almost getting you kicked out of the band?" I guess, studying him carefully.

He shakes his head. "No, Luke blames himself for almost getting me killed," he says quietly. He draws in a deep breath. "I'm not an expert at grief, and I certainly wasn't then. I didn't know what to do with Luke, how to take care of him. I was full of my own pain, too. All I knew was that I wasn't going to abandon him like everyone else. But I'll admit, in the beginning, I made the mistake of thinking 'being there for him' meant 'joining him.'"

He looks away again, and I find myself instinctively taking his hand. My instinct reacts surprisingly open with him for some reason.

"I tried to be the responsible one, but failed more times than not. One night … " He shudders. "Anyway, we both ended up in the hospital, along with a ton of headlines the Label was not happy about. Unfortunately, since I'm not Luke Craven, I didn't get the grace Luke did. They basically gave me a choice at that point, distance myself from Luke and rejoin the band, or they'd drop me. So I had to make a choice. Career or friend."

"And you chose career."

Casey laughs. "No, of course not. I chose Luke, but he wouldn't let me. We fought about it for days, and then suddenly, he just disappeared. Abandoned his house, his accounts, everything, and stopped answering his phone. No one knew where he went, including me." He sighs. "To this day, I don't know if he ran for my sake or his, but the result was the same. I had no other choice at that point. If I couldn't help him, I had to go back. So I did. Cleaned myself up, got back on track, and was thrilled when our manager called to say that he'd finally heard from Luke. That he was here. I came as soon as I could which was during our quick break before the Calisto Festival."

"The day you came to breakfast club," I recall, and he nods.

"Believe me, I was in shock he not only let me in when I showed up, but let me stay the night. It was a short honeymoon, as you saw, but at least we started talking again." He shrugs. "He invited me to his party, right?"

"He loves you," I say, squeezing his hand. "He does, he just hates himself too much to let anyone love him back."

He grunts. "I know. I mean, most of the time I know. It's hard to believe that sometimes, but I try to keep hoping he'll let me back in at some point. I don't know how to help him if he doesn't."

Casey's phone starts buzzing, completely startling us, and he glances at the screen. He curses and gives me an apologetic look.

"I should take this. Sorry, give me a minute?" he asks, and I offer him my most forgiving smile. I have plenty to absorb anyway. 

I watch his face as he answers and gets to his feet.

"Yeah. Wait, what? Why would you do that?" Casey cries, clearly exasperated, and rubs his hand over his face. "No, I know. I just … yeah … Yes, I know where he is. I'm with him now. No, it's not … Because he's not ready!...I don't know, I'll figure something out … Dammit, TJ, I told you I know! I'm working on it!  … Ok, yeah … Ok … just don't … no … I know...ok, just don't call him again, ok? Call me if you need anything. Me, not him! … ok … yeah, ok. You, too."

Casey hangs up with a curse and shakes his head. "What an idiot," he mutters.

He gives me another apologetic look. "Sorry about that." He takes a deep breath. "You know, sometimes I think I wish my life was more shallow, but then I talk to TJ. He always snaps me out of it."

"TJ?"

"Our Manager."

"Oh."

"Yeah … He's awesome at what he does it's just unfortunately all he does. He tried to call Luke."

My eyes widen. "Oh … "

"Yeah."

He glances toward the hall as if expecting Luke to come marching down in a fury. He sighs.

"We have four months before our next tour and they want at least three new tracks. We should be releasing an entire album and building the tour around that, but they know that's not going to happen. They're ok releasing the album next year if we can have some new material now."

"But without Luke … "

Casey shakes his head. "I don't know, Callie. I honestly don't. I mean, I've got some ideas, but … "

"Maybe I can help."

"What?"

I cringe. I don't even know what I'm saying. It's that darn instinct again. "I mean, I've never written a song before, but I write a ton of poetry. Is it a lot different?"

I can tell he's trying not to laugh. Especially, after our blow up earlier over their teasing, but his skepticism is all over his face. It hurts, but I can't really blame him. It would be like a med student offering to do open-heart surgery on the President.

"Well, it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, it's just, I mean, it's not that easy. There's a lot of politics to songwriting. The band, the Label, legal stuff … "

"Ok, so we don't write for Night Shifts Black. We just write to have something to do while we hang out and try to find you some inspiration."

His face changes. "Really? You'd do that?"

I shrug. "Of course. I mean, it's not like I do anything else with my writing. No one's ever even read it."