“I haven’t been honest.”
“No shit…” Teri started, jumping right in on him.
He took a deep breath and sat down in front of her again. He didn’t want them reverting to what had become their normal.
“Hang on. Let me say this.”
He scrubbed his hands down his face and steeled his spine.
“I haven’t been truthful about a few things, but I have an idea, and you need to hear me out. I’ve already called and taken on more hours at the store. I talked to my dad this morning when I picked up the kids. He thinks my uncle needs some part-time help this summer around the farm. So I’ll be bringing in more money.” Dylan nodded as if to confirm everything he’d just said. Apparently, he’d decided getting all the positives out first might help soften the ending blow. He took a deep breath and forged on. “I also talked to my coding professor, and he’s going to put me back in front of Texas Instruments recruiting. He says I’m a really good fit; they’ll want me. So if I buckle down, I can finish my undergrad in about two semesters—at least I think I can—but if I can get on at TI, I can make the money needed to support you and the kids and then maybe you could look at law school more seriously again.”
He’d planned to dangle the law school carrot in front of her to cushion the blow to follow. More than anything, he needed her on board with all of this. His heart pounded so hard he wasn’t sure his words even made since, which caused him to pause and watch her face. She was clearly confused, but processing what he’d just said.
“Okay,” Teri said. She gathered herself together, much like she’d done in the alley this morning. Her facial expressions morphed a few more times before she started to speak again. “This is a major about-face. When you say ‘support me and the kids,’ where does that leave you?”
She was smart. It was what had attracted him to her the most. Out of everything he’d said, she’d noticed those few simple words. Manning up, Dylan took a deep breath. He’d stalled long enough. He started to rise when the nervous energy coursing through him needed an outlet, but then he forced himself back down, sitting on the edge of the old coffee table. Fucking hell, this was hard. He looked down at his trembling hands. No matter what steps he’d already taken today, nothing would change or soften the enormous impact of his next confession.
“I’m not sure you’ll agree to any of this or even want to be around me anymore. I’ll understand if you leave. I don’t deserve you or the kids. I’ve been lying to everyone in my life.” He tried to keep going, to finish the statement, but couldn’t. Shame and dread filled his heart for the lies he’d allowed his family to believe.
“What have you been lying about, Dylan?” Teri asked quietly.
It took several minutes for him to gather enough nerve to whisper the words he’d been so afraid to say aloud to anyone before today. “I’m pretty sure… No wait. I know for sure that I’m…” He wanted to cry. He’d begged God to help him sort all of this out, take this away from him. When he’d been younger, he’d done everything he could to fit into the box everyone else thought he should. Growing up in the Bible Belt hadn’t been easy. He’d learned to keep his true self hidden. He couldn’t hide any longer. He was only hurting his family and destroying himself; there was no good side to these lies for anyone involved. Dropping his head in his hands, Dylan let the truth spill free, defeat heavy in his words. “I’m gay, Teri.”
Silence sat between them. The tension grew unbearably thick in the small room and caused him to finally look up at her. She hadn’t raged at him or laughed hysterically. No ridicule came. Teri said nothing, just stared at him, but after a couple of long, intense moments, he watched as she gathered her things and retreated down the dark hall to their bedroom. His eyes tracked her until the bedroom door shut—the click confirmed she locked herself inside with Cate.
Interestingly enough, the world hadn’t swallowed him whole. In fact, when he’d said the words aloud it had only helped strengthen his resolve. Now that he’d revealed the truth to the one person who needed to know, he could figure out the rest.
Another positive, Teri also hadn’t gathered up his children and left him there alone. She might yet, probably would, but this was far better than he’d expected.
3
Hours later, maybe close to four in the morning, Dylan stared up at the rotating blades on the ceiling fan, one arm tucked behind his head, Chloe’s Barney & Friends blanket covering at least part of his body. He’d slept on this sofa more times than he could count. Except this time, sleep hadn’t come. With each passing hour of Teri locked in that bedroom, wondering what brewed in her mind in all her silence, the dread and worry magnified until it weighed like a ton of bricks on his shoulders.
His initial relief of revealing his truth and his world not imploding had long since faded as he’d waited and hoped Teri would come back out and finish their conversation. She hadn’t. Six hours into his confession, and all he could do was lie there, imagining all sorts of scenarios. He’d trusted Teri with one of the most intimate details of his life. Would she throw a fit and tell everyone in their lives what he’d just confessed? He hoped not. He should have gotten her pledge of confidence before he’d said one single word. This not knowing, not confronting the ramifications head on, was more stressful than the confession itself.
A few minutes later, he heard Cate stirring. She was just starting to sleep through the night. She’d made almost seven hours this time. He pushed the blanket to the side and stood. After making his way to the kitchen, he pulled one of the pre-made bottles he’d prepared earlier from the refrigerator and began to warm it. Testing the warmth of the formula on his wrist, Dylan looked up as Teri came around the corner, holding a fussing baby in her arms. His wife looked in about the same condition he was in. By the fatigue he saw etched in her pretty face, he could tell she hadn’t slept. He hated that he’d caused all this undue stress, especially on Teri.
He maneuvered Cate out of her arms and made his way across the room before taking a seat on the sofa. “You go to sleep. I’ll feed her.”
Of course, Teri didn’t listen. She never did. She came and sat on the other side of the sofa, facing him, tucking her leg underneath her. A rare expression of vulnerability crossed her pretty face; those same features that made his children so beautiful to him.
“I can’t sleep,” she said wearily.
“Me neither. I’m sorry for everything I dumped on you tonight,” Dylan apologized from his heart.
“Dylan, it’s just so hard to understand. Are you bisexual?” Teri’s gaze shifted, shying away from him as she asked the question. He suspected she was confused, searching for the right words as she continued talking, not allowing him to answer her direct question. “I guess it all makes sense now. All the drinking…and avoidance of me… of everything. I didn’t catch it because that wasn’t the boy I met when we were freshmen—you acted like you loved the ladies. All this time I thought you just didn’t want me anymore.” Teri turned back to him, years of pain reflected in her eyes. He hated he’d put it there. “You said gay. You only like men?”
He didn’t want to talk about his sexual orientation. Fantasizing about dick put him on unsteady ground. It was hard enough to acknowledge it himself. When she continued to stare at him, waiting for an explanation, he dropped his gaze to the floor and let out a deep sigh.
“It’s hard to explain. I hadn’t gotten this far in my plan today because I really expected you to kick me out after hearing the truth. I’m really not comfortable talking about this. You’re the only person I’ve been honest with, but I think about only men. You know…that’s what I fantasize about…if that helps.”
He looked up at Teri to see she got it, verified by her nod. Several minutes passed, letting that little tidbit of condemning information sit between them before she spoke again. “I wish you’d been honest with me from the beginning. We’ve always been better friends than anything else. You were my best friend. I miss being your friend.”
“Me too,” Dylan confessed, looking her directly in the eyes. Before things had gotten so serious between them, they’d been so close. That closeness had made him think he could do this with her in the first place. Boy, had he gotten that wrong. “It’s why I thought I could make this work with you. I trust you. You’re the best person I know.”
“Thank you for saying that. I don’t feel like that right now. I’ve been awake all night thinking. I’m interested in going to law school,” she said, her voice quiet as she leaned forward to reach out and cup Cate’s dark curls. “You know I always wanted to do that, but I can’t see how to manage the kids and work while going to school. It’s too hard.”
“You don’t have to do it by yourself. I’ll always be here for you and our children. I want to be here, Teri.” Those words caused emotion to stir deep within him. They were the honest truth, and he meant them from the bottom of his heart. Teri dropped her hands in her lap, clasping them together, looking smaller than he’d ever seen her before.