We hadn’t talked about things too far in the future, but we’d set some boundaries, created some rules. Of course we had.
Rule one was that we would speak to each other every day. Even if it was for two seconds. Rule two was that we would see each other every month and we would always know when we would next see each other. Rule three was no bullshit. If either of us felt like it wasn’t working, we would talk about it and make it work better.
But rules were meant to be broken, right?
* * * * *
“I can’t believe that I’ve got to be in the office without having Sexy Scott to look at.” Lucy landed her ass on my desk as I returned from my meeting.
Did she think I liked her? I was pretty sure I’d never given her reason to be so deluded.
I fingered the Hermès scarf that I’d worn to keep Ethan close to me and tried to ignore her. She kept yapping away as I opened my inbox and started going through my emails. I managed to tune her out.
“Anna? Are you listening? He totally had the hots for me.”
“Whatever you say, Lucy,” I said, my eyes fixated to my screen.
“Jesus, you’re a miserable bitch.”
“Whatever you say.”
She finally left me alone and I cocooned myself in a bubble that I hoped screamed “leave me the fuck alone”. I wanted to get my work done and go home. Although Lucy irritated the living crap out of me, she was right. There was no joy in this place without Ethan. Not for me. Not now.
Leah called, presumably because I wasn’t responding to her emails and texts.
“We can just have a girlie night in. Daniel has a dinner,” Leah said.
“I need to do a ton of laundry and call my parents. Maybe later in the week?” I was fobbing her off and she knew it. I just genuinely didn’t want company. I wanted to be surrounded by Ethan. And even though he was gone, I could feel close to him back at the flat.
“Don’t become a hermit. You wouldn’t let me do that and I won’t let you.”
“I appreciate you’re on hermit patrol and I thank you for your service, but it’s all good. I’ll speak to you later.”
I delved into my work where I could be alone.
Just past midday, my phone buzzed. “Hey,” I whispered.
“I dreamt of you,” he said.
I got up and closed the door to my office.
“Was it a good dream?” I asked.
“You were going down on me, so I’d say so.”
“How romantic. You say the sweetest things.” I laughed.
“I don’t like waking up without you,” he said, and my heart tripped.
“I know. I don’t like you waking up without me either. Only three weeks until your next real-life blow job,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
I heard him groan on the other end of the phone. I laughed. “Get in the shower, you bum. I’ll call you when I’m home.”
Ethan
I put the phone down and headed into the bathroom. Was jerking off when she wasn’t on the end of the phone cheating? I was going to have to establish rules about that. I had the hard-on to end all hard-ons and it was ruining my concentration. I picked up my phone again to see what emails had come in overnight. That should help redistribute my blood flow better.
We’d managed two snatched conversations since I’d left. Was this what it was going to be like? I had really held myself back when we’d finally talked about our future together. What I wanted to do was throw her over my shoulder and bring her back to New York with me. But I had managed to control myself. She seemed to want to understand what I wanted and it had been difficult for me to establish what was going to make her happy. When I’d suggested trying a long distance relationship she’d seemed relieved.
I wasn’t sure which alternative had made her anxious—the thought of me taking her back with me, or ending it. But I hadn’t pushed her. Perhaps I feared her answer. We’d promised no bullshit, but as much as I felt she was holding something back, I was too. I hadn’t demanded that she come back to New York. The thought of her in London, without me, was fucking terrifying—she could change her mind about us, or meet someone else. The thought of me without her was fucking terrifying—she had become like oxygen. I couldn’t really remember myself before her and what I did remember, I didn’t like. I didn’t want to go back to sex without complications or ambiguity. Anna was everything I’d spent my life fighting against and now the only thing I wanted.
Three weeks. How would I survive three weeks? I was struggling to get through a few hours. I needed a plan. I’d hit the gym. That would work. I’d need to be putting plenty of hours in at the office. That would be a good distraction. And I could hang out with my old college friends, Andrew and Mandy, this weekend. That was a plan. Now I just needed to set about making sure Anna wasn’t distracted by something or someone other than me. I was going to make sure I was always front and center of her mind.