Harper glanced up at him then pulled the zipper down on the hoodie that she’d never taken off. She shrugged it off and dropped it, her tee shirt was next, and she hesitated knowing what was under it. The frilly push up bra that Sidney put her in last night and the scrap of underwear that she’d insisted Harper wear. “I…” Harper swallowed hard.
“What is it?” His breaths were heavy but controlled. “What’s wrong?” Ryder pulled her close and held her there. “Tell me.” He whispered.
“I’m, I’m just scared is all. I’ll get over it, let’s go.” She trembled. Ryder lifted her and carried her to the mattress on the floor. He sat down with her in his lap.
“What are you afraid of? That I’ll hurt you?” She shook her head. “What then?”
“That it’ll be like last time.” She sniffled.
“Tell me what last time was like.” His thumb traced her cheekbone as his fingers lifted her face to his. He kissed her softly. She laughed hollowly.
“It was awful.” Her lips pressed into a hard line but she went on. “After the ceremony he dragged me across the compound in front of the pack and shoved me into our house. At the time I thought it was because his lust was out of control for me, that he wanted me so much that he couldn’t wait.” Her head shook back and forth. “He pushed me down on the dining room table and marked me then tore my panties down and slammed himself through my virginity.” She sniffled. “Then he went to shower and spent the rest of the night watching TV. The pack was throwing a barbeque for us outside but he wouldn’t let me leave the house. He said my place was with him and he didn’t want to go.” She exhaled sharply. “It didn’t get much better after that.”
“Why did you mate with him? Did you ever love him?” He was incredulous.
“It was for a pack alliance, but I thought that since he’d agreed that he at least liked me and I thought I might love him. Over the years though, trying to figure out why we just didn’t…I don’t know. I don’t think he ever liked me and the more I think about it, the less I like him.”
“He raped you.” Ryder whispered. She nodded.
“Yeah, looking back now and remembering, he did. But what did I know? I was young. Wolves are rough sometimes, that’s what my mother told me anyway. She said that I was to accept him and stay with him for the good of the pack, that it was my duty. So, I did as I was told, just like always.” She gave him a watery smile.
“Describe what the perfect mating would be for you. I mean if you could have it picture perfect, how would it look? How would it feel?” She giggled. “Tell me.” He smiled down at her.
“He would have to like me.” Ryder watched her. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, let’s just get on with it.” His head shook back and forth.
“Nope. Not until you tell me.” He pushed her off of his lap onto the mattress beside him then went to fetch his shirt and her hoodie. He tossed it to her and she looked disappointed. “This isn’t happening right now. You want more and so do I. I want to take you in a bed, not that.” He pointed at the mattress. “Not this.” He waved his hand at the room. “We’ll wait. There is no hurry. In the meantime, I want you to tell me what the perfect mating would be to you. You don’t have to tell me all of it today, I have time but you will tell me.” He laid down across the bed and patted the spot next to him. She laid down facing him. “Can you tell me some of it now?”
“Okay. I wanted it to be romantic, candles, flowers, you know. I wanted to dance and have barbeque then when the night came; I wanted him to walk with me, with his arm around me to the house. I wanted to feel special, safe, and protected.”
“So that’s what you want?” Ryder traced a path down her arm with his finger.
“No, well not all of it but definitely the last part. I don’t want to sleep away from you.” She gazed up at him. “It felt like you were rejecting me and it nearly tore me apart.” He nodded.
“You sleep with me then. I like to watch you and you growl in your sleep.” He whispered conspiratorially. She pushed at his chest.
“I do not.” She pursed her lips
“Yes, you do and it’s as sexy as hell.” He kissed her forehead. “Do you want a ceremony?” He wondered where he would find someone if she did, but if that’s what she wanted he would do whatever it took.
“No. I had that and it doesn’t make it any better.” She scowled.