Never The Bride(21)

'No,' I replied, putting my arms around his neck. 'As a single woman who owns her own car and house and has a pension and savings, I get being cautious in case someone's only after what you have. But I mean, you need to be on a whole other level. Or billion levels even.'

'You could have looked me up on the internet anytime, but you seemed so clueless when we first met, unlike most of the women I meet, I just wanted to see if you'd like me, plain old Miller Davis, not because you thought I was worth a few  …  Toms.'

'Bobs. Actually bob, singular. Don't ask, English is confusing, and I'm English. And you, August Miller Davis, will never be plain old anything to me. You're the most handsome man I've ever set eyes on. You made me fall for you the first time that I saw you, remember?'

'I remember,' he nodded, with a soft smile full of emotion.

'Just tell me I don't have to call you August from now on, as that's a ridiculous name!'

'It is,' he laughed. 'I was found in August, and since no one knew my name, that's what they chose.'

'Good thing they didn't find you in June,' I giggled. 'That wouldn't have been a manly name at all. Where did the Miller Davis come from?'

'The male nurse who found me. I'm only called August in the boardroom, which I want to show you this week. I promise I was going to come clean. When we checked out of the hotel tomorrow morning, I was going to take you to my penthouse, then show you around my company on Monday.'



       
         
       
        

'As long as I don't have to play any video games, which so aren't my thing, I forgive you,' I murmured, letting my lips linger on his for as long as was polite at a high society function. 'But there's someone I'm not forgiving any time soon.' My brow furrowed as my mind whirled, trying to think of a way of getting her back.



'The bitch!' Georgie gasped as I filled her in from my suite during a quick break before our evening sit-down meal.

'I can't think of a way of getting her back that won't ruin Annabelle's function,' I sighed. 'Pushing Fi-Fi in the pool would cause a scene, or more likely a catfight. Making sure the waiters didn't give her lactose-free meals could end up with her being sick or sharting at the table, and anything I do in public would make me look like a malicious, vindictive bitch myself. Which I so want to be, but not at the risk of my own reputation.'

'Can you get in her room? Switch her shampoo for hair removal cream or something?' Georgie suggested.

'That's a bit harsh!' I exclaimed.

'No more harsh than she deserves, coming on to your boyfriend and shoving you in the pool, making you look like a drowned cat.'

'Cat  …  hmmm, cat  …  otherwise known as pussy,' I mused.

'Yes, where are you going with this? You have an idea, don't you?'

'I do, but it all hinges on access to her room and whether I can get hold of a certain product out here. Give Mr. Sumo a kiss from me, sweetie, got to go.'

'What about a kiss for – '

I cut her off and dialled the concierge to ask if he could get me a pot of Vicks Vaporub, a sealable plastic food bag, and some disposable gloves, which he appeared with less than ten minutes later, receiving a large tip for his efforts. I shoved all of the items in my clutch bag, then went in search of Martine, the wedding planner.

'I can't allow any guests into a suite that doesn't belong to them, Miss Carter. Absolutely not,' she replied when I asked the question.

'You saw what she did. Doesn't she deserve a little payback?' I moaned, pulling my best pleading pout and big watery eyes.

'Even if my key card allowed me access anywhere in the hotel, even into suite six-hundred and sixty-five where the lady in question is staying, I would be sacked on the spot if I simply gave it to you. I'm sorry. While I sympathise and understand how you might want to exact a little revenge, I can't be complicit. Now if you'll excuse me,' she retorted, 'I need to make sure that the entrées are on their way up. We'll be serving in less than ten minutes.'

'Ok,' I sighed. Damn. Mission Impossible really was mission impossible. Tom Cruise made it all look so easy. My cunning plan had been thwarted. I watched Martine as she walked away and saw something fall from her hand, clattering on the marble floor. I went to pick it up and frowned to find it was a key card. I looked back up and saw her smile at me over her shoulder, then give me a quick wink before she strode away. Good old Martine. Mission impossible had just become mission  …  on! 

I headed up the steps towards the lift and scanned the area, where I spotted Fi-Fi flirting outrageously with another guest, her inflated beach ball tits virtually spilling out of her dress. Hussy! Pushing her in the pool would have been no payback at all, she'd have floated with those ridiculously large buoyancy aids. I hurried to the lift and took it down to the sixth floor, looking left and right up the corridor. The coast was clear.

I pulled on my gloves, then flattened myself against the wall and pulled my hair forwards over my face. I was hoping that would disguise me in case any cameras were watching and I got into trouble if this was reported. I moved sideways up the corridor, my back to the wall, occasionally pulling my hair aside to see what progress I'd made towards her suite. When I finally made it to number six-six-five, I did wonder why she hadn't been put in suite six-six-six, seeing as she was the devil incarnate. I peeked through my mane to check that the coast was clear again and entered her suite, quickly closing the door behind me.

I searched the bathroom first, looking through all of her toiletries, but came up empty handed.

'Georgie, it's me,' I whispered as she answered her phone.

'The fact that you rang me from your number and your face came up on my screen sort of gave it away,' she grinned. 'Why are you whispering?'

'I'm in her suite, looking for something. If you were a pot of vaginal orgasm enhancer, where would you hide if you weren't in the bathroom?'

'What's vaginal orgasm enhancer?' she asked, her blue eyes widening.

'The name's not clear enough?' I scoffed. 'You know, stuff you rub down there to make your lady parts tingle.'

'Oooooh, where do you get that? Does it work?'

'I've never tried it to be honest, but as part of Julia's spa-break hen weekend, we were all given a saucy bag, and there was some in it. At Annabelle's hen night, Fi-Fi was raving about it, saying she carries a pot with her all the time, it's that good. She called it "women's Viagra." Swears by it.'

'So you've gone in her suite to steal it? Ewww! Go buy your own pot, you cheapskate!'

'I'm not looking for me, Georgie. Like I need to when I have Miller.'

'Oh right, good point. So what are you doing with it?' she asked. I started giggling and had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down at the thought of it.

'Remember that really bad cold I had in November?'

'Hmmm.'

'Well, I was using Vicks Vaporub on my chest and I mustn't have washed my hands properly, as I was needing a little  …  tension relief that night and boy, does it have an extra effect they don't advertise on the pot!'

'What effect?' she gasped.

'Do I have to spell it out?'

'Obviously!'

'It made me tingly, you know, down there.'

'Oh! How tingly are we talking?'

'Very excitingly tingly for the first thirty seconds, then owww-this-stings-like-a-mofo for about an hour afterwards. I had to sit in a cold bath to try and cool my  …  you-know-what down.' I winced at the reminder.

'You're going to swap her orgasm cream for Vaporub?' she shrieked.



       
         
       
        

'Sssshhhh,' I giggled. 'Am I taking it too far?'

'Hell no!' she shot back. 'I'd try and find her vibrator and smother that in it as well.'

'Now it's my turn to say "E" I don't want to touch that, thank you very much!'

'Excellent point,' she nodded. 'Ok, ok, if I was a pot of orgasm cream that might be needed for a spur-of-the-moment urge, where would I hide?' She bit her lower lip as we both had a think.

'Bedside table!' we shouted at once. I scurried over and opened the drawer, and sure enough, there it was, hidden behind the Bible.

'I'm going to go to hell for this,' I moaned as I set the Bible aside and pulled out her pot. I scooped out the cream, praying I wouldn't see any stray pubic hairs in there, then dumped it in the ziplock bag. When I was done, I transferred the Vaporub into the orgasm cream tub and shut it tightly, then shoved it back in place.

'What if she smells it first? That eucalyptus scent is pretty powerful.'

'Please. The amount of nose reconstructions she's had, not to mention drugs she's snorted over the years, I'd be amazed if she has any sense of smell left. Besides, I may not have any of this cream, but I doubt you stick your nose in it first. I just have to hope that she's slathered it on before she notices something's amiss.'

'Oh, she'll soon notice something's amiss if she does rub it in. The hotel staff are going to find her, legs akimbo, in the ice dispensing machine,' Georgie cackled, setting me off again. I made sure I peeled the gloves off, turning them inside out as I did to avoid getting any of the sticky mixture on my fingers, before I wiped my eyes. 'You just have to hope she's feeling in a frisky mood soon.'

'If only I knew a man she'd give her eye teeth to sleep with,' I grinned. 'Miller's going to have to pull out all of the flirtation stops with her tonight. Wind her up, then walk away, leave her panting for some relief.'