He realized he had his hands in fists, the terrible slick feeling against his fingertips.
“I cannot do this again,” he said thickly. “Because it is not enough. I want more.”
She turned to look at him. “More?”
“I want you to be my lover. I want you whenever and wherever I can get you.” The slick feeling wouldn’t go away. He clenched his fingers tighter. “But I cannot do that. It is selfish and it is wrong.”
“How is it selfish? If I want that too?”
“Because I would be using you. To give me freedom from this control. To give me what I cannot get from anyone else.”
“So? Why can’t we have that? I don’t mind you using me, Sheikh. I’d be using you too.”
“It would not be enough for me, Lily. And I do not think it would be enough for you either.”
She didn’t deny it. “So you’d rather have nothing at all? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes.”
“And why do you get to make that decision? Does what I want not matter?”
His throat felt tight, pressure building in his chest. “Of course it does. But I am sorry, Habibti. This is the way it has to be.”
Lily stared at him a moment longer, anguish flaring in her gaze. “Why?” she demanded suddenly, fiercely. “Why does it have to be that way? Why can’t you give me more than that?”
“Because I cannot,” he said, rough and harsh and unable to make himself sound less so. “There is too much darkness in me and you deserve better than that. You deserve more.”
Her head went back as if he’d slapped her, dark eyes blazing. “That’s crap, Isma’il. It’s just another excuse. You’re letting something that happened years ago ruin your life and I don’t understand it.”
Anger began to boil up inside him. “And you haven’t been doing the same for the past twelve years?”
Lily’s jaw tightened. “Yes, okay, I admit it. I let what Dan did to me have far too much power for far too long. But at least I had the guts to acknowledge it and move past it.”
The anger spilled over and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to her, gripping her upper arms, hauling her close so she could see. So she could understand. “You think this is easy for me? You think this is simple? I am tainted, Lily Harkness. Khalid’s DNA is mine and I can feel it inside me. I can feel the darkness and violence of him in my blood, in my bones. Staining me.” He took a ragged breath. “I can never get rid of it. I will never be free of it. All I can do is control it and hope to God it never gets out!”
His shout hung in the air, pain and anguish dredged from the bottom of his soul. And he wanted more than anything in the world to take it back. To unsay it. To not make it real.
Lily had gone white and he realized he was holding her far, far too tightly. He released her, trying to hide the way his hands shook. “So now you know why,” he said, trying to keep his voice level. “I do not wish to speak of it again.”
* * *
She tried not to tremble at the desperation in his voice. At the terrible honesty with which he’d said the words. That he believed everything he’d said she had no doubt. But he was wrong. So very, very wrong.
“Don’t do this Isma’il,” she said, trying not to make it sound like a plea. “Don’t hurt yourself like this. Punish yourself like this.”
He turned away from her, slipping from the bed, reaching for his clothes. “It is not punishment. It is necessity.”
“It’s not. There’s nothing to be gained from thinking that way about yourself.”
“I told you I do not wish to speak of it again.” He began to pull on his trousers, his back to her, every tall, powerful inch of him taut with suppressed emotion.
She swallowed, her throat constricting with pain. With sorrow for him. For what he refused to see. “Nothing I can say will make a difference to you will it?”
He didn’t reply, bending to pick up his shirt.
Which was all the reply he needed to make, she supposed.
The pain in her throat grew more intense, the ache in her heart sharp, cutting. She could still feel the impression of his fingers on her skin and she knew the feeling would never go away. He’d imprinted himself on her, on her body, on her heart, on her soul. And it hurt. Hurt that he couldn’t see what she did. That he refused to see.
“So that’s all you wanted from me?” she said starkly. “Rough sex and now it’s goodbye?”
Isma’il stilled but didn’t turn around. “You know that is not all I wanted from you.”
“But I mean nothing to you, Isma’il. That’s right, isn’t it?”