MacLaine smiles with his lips closed then stares down at the ring huddled in his open palm. It looks so tiny and delicate and shiny and beautiful, and then it hits me. This thing between him and Sera, this is real.
And whatever heart I have left in my chest demands and howls out for it, too.
***
I don’t know why I go back to Dean’s place, maybe because I know if I ask him to, he’ll give me a hug. But I don’t want to ask him - I want him to read me, I want him to instinctively know what I need from him.
Hell, sign me up for a Delos-MacLaine special.
I knock on Dean’s door, and swallow past the nerves slithering in my belly. I’ve never been this nervous around a guy. It’s usually nothing like this, and I don’t know why. Sleeping with Dean back in high school was just a popping of bottled lust, it was just some much needed relief.
Now, I think if we ever slept together, it would change everything.
And my world is already collapsing in on itself, and all the foundations I’ve set myself upon are crumbling beneath me and all I want to do is bury my head in a funny movie, or drink away my problems, and eat as much chocolate that is humanly possible.
I need to face the world head on – that’s what strong people do.
Dean opens the door, and greets me with a tilted head and a sweet smile, the kind that clutches at my heart and makes me wonder if I’m not too young to have some cardiac problems.
“Hey,” he says, walking backwards to open the door for me. I get full on face-slap of wonderful smells coming from his kitchen that sets my mouth to watering. I should marry him just for the food he’s going to feed me.
“How did it go?”
Suddenly I’m filled with the need to tell him, to tell him everything I felt and am still feeling and just get it all out because everything’s choking me. It’s not like Dean’s going to tell Sera any of this, and it’s not like they hang out on the regular, and Dean looks like he can keep a secret.
Hell, I sure hope so.
I shrug, then work the crack out of my neck. Dean watches me with his green, green eyes and just waits for me to talk. I like that about him, I like that about him a lot. “I was with MacLaine – Hunter, Sera’s boyfriend. He dropped me off here.”
Dean’s hands go to my upper arms and give me a squeeze. At this point, I’d much rather he went for a grab of my boobs and save me from all the shameful shit I’m feeling deep down in the pit of my belly.
“His last name’s McClane? Are you kidding me?” Dean throws his head back and laughs at the ceiling, then looks back down at me with his crinkled eyes. I get another playful squeeze around my upper arms, and a gentle shake.
“I’m gonna be best friends with that guy, you watch. People are gonna ask me, who’s your buddy there, Dean? And I’m going to tell them, ‘Oh, it’s just McClane. But he has his shoes on and I don’t see any German terrorists right now, but let’s give it a few hours.’” Dean lets go of me, but his heat remains, and I cross my arms over my chest to keep from shivering.
He fist pumps, and grins, taking a step back and knocking into Pongo who yelps and looks absolutely affronted that his master would step on him. The furry-baby comes hobbling over to me, barely putting any weight on his front left paw and looks at me with mournful eyes begging me to make it better.
“Pongo! I swear, you’re going to make me crack my head on the floor one day, and then who’s going to feed you, boy?” Dean says, rushing over to Pongo and giving him chest rubs.
Dean gingerly touches Pongo’s paw and slowly convinces him to put it back down. The dog immediately starts giving Dean kisses, and Dean kisses him back and something in my chest pulses and squeezes and tears me open wide.
Everything hurts, every nerve ending.
God damn it, I want Dean Carter. I want him so badly my teeth ache, and my heart trips up, and I want to yell it out loud that I want him sitting beside me watching movies, or watching him read a book, or talking to him as he cooks some masterpiece for me. But I can’t have him and that sucks smelly balls.
“Hunter’s going to ask Sera to marry him,” I say in a rush, pushing my breath to the limit. I watch Dean slowly get up from his crouch and straighten up, up, up, he’s so tall, and look down at me with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face.
“That’s awesome! Shit, does she know?”
I shake my head. “She has no idea. I’m betting on at least five litres of tears will be shed that day. I just wonder how he’s going to do it.” I try to smile, but it feels forced and alien on my face. Maybe I just need to stew in it, wallow in all my stupid, irrational feelings and they’ll go away.