Never Been Nerdy(61)

Dean clears his throat. I can’t tell if he’s struggling between wholehearted agreement or strangled laughter. My cheeks start to burn and I chew on my lip. I am an adult. Mood swings do not become me.

Oh, yeah? What the hell do you call last night? And you being such a dick to your so-called best friend?

My inner voice needs to learn to keep her trap shut. I’ve got enough to deal with right now.

“I want you to know that everything I did to you back in high school, I thought it was a way of making myself feel better. But that’s what bullying is, right? Kids who hate themselves so much they need to put others down. That’s what I did.”

I look out at my city and wonder if I could ever leave this place, if I could leave behind all the bad memories, and some of the good. The answer’s yes. Maybe it’s time for a fresh start.

“My parents were fighting all the time, and my Dad was being mean to me. Just constantly ragging on me, every little thing I did wrong, I was yelled at for it. I mean I was working part-time and trying to finance my social life, and every fucking little thing I did wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t right enough and it wasn’t his way.”

I watch my breath puff out in a white cloud. I scratch Potter behind the ears, and get little tongue licks on my cheek.

“I was angry at him, at my mom. I was angry at everyone because they didn’t know how bad it was at home, how much I looked forward to going to school, to get away from it all. And then there was you.

“I thought I loved you, Dean, really, I did. But I was just a dumb kid, and it looks like I break my toys when they’re not so attractive to me anymore.” I wait for Dean to start yelling, or throwing his weight around, hell, even to find the first guy who gives him the wrong sort of eye-contact and start going to town on his face.

Dean’s just quiet and still beside me, like a mountain in a raging hurricane. The dogs are quiet, too, and are sitting on either side of his legs. Shit.

“I’m... I’m not going to make excuses. I was feeling shitty about myself, about my parents and I took it out on you. And I thought your pain and embarrassment was going to make me feel better, make me feel powerful. It didn’t, it just made me feel worse. Especially when I would see you day after day in class, looking at me like I’d ripped your heart to pieces.”

I’m done for now, I think. Dean’s still impersonating a statue beside me, and I stare down at the city without really seeing it.

Fuck, if I had just acted differently all those years ago. If I just was more patient, kinder, sweeter. If I wasn’t so angry about what Mom did to Dad. Maybe if I didn’t keep my trap shut when I saw her and Malcolm fooling around. Maybe if I didn’t hope against hope that it was just a one-time fucking thing between the pair of them.

Should I get out the violin?

I don’t know why I’m still so pissed off. I don’t know why I’m still so bitter about it. I had watched my dad grovel to my mom, begging her to choose him, to stay with him. I was disgusted at the same time I felt such a crazy hope that I thought I would soar above the clouds, only to come crashing back down when my mom laughed in his face. That’s when I knew, that no matter what, love and relationships are just not for me – not when I can break someone like that over a promise made twenty something years ago.

“Fucking shit, you’re going to do this now? While we’re out here?” Dean waves, sweeping his arm over the entire mountain. He then rubs his face with that hand, dragging it along his features and something happens where he looks about ten years younger.

I shouldn’t’ve said anything, but then again, I’m an asshole, and he has to know that.

Dean growls, then violently stuffs his hands in his pockets, the colored leashes leaking out like octopus arms. He shakes his head, then looks at his sneakers, mumbles something to himself, then looks back at me.

“What happened?”

I shrug again, looks like it’s all I can do. My chest is comprised of raw meat, and swollen-sore. “I caught my mom cheating on my dad. Thought it was a one-time thing, so I kept my mouth shut for almost three years. She’s now marrying that piece of shit. Rehearsal dinner was last night.” Now it’s my turn to look anywhere but at Dean because I’m absolutely positive he’s judging me, and that hurts a hell of a lot.

Dean blows out a puff of air, and I get a whiff of his coffee breath. “That doesn’t sound...fun.” He clears his throat again. “How about we walk and talk?”

I nod at him, and set Potter down. The little guy jumps in place, then spins real quick like he’s trying to catch his tail. He’s beady black eyes almost smile at me, before darting forward, trying to smell and taste everything at once.