"Real life's a million times harder than a movie, Super S. I … I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay in a relationship with him."
"Maybe you should stop trying to think about the long-term and just deal with the day-to-day stuff. You're giving me heart palpitations. Look at you, you're so nervous you're gonna jump out of your skin and I just painted these walls."
I frown at her and twist my mouth. "So what do I do?"
"What do you want to do?"
I cover my eyes with one hand. "I don't know."
"Yeah, you do, K. You know exactly what you want to do. I've noticed how you look at me and Hunt. You've just been too scared to try."
"I don't want to hurt him."
Sera nods, tucking some hair behind her ear, and giving me a small understanding smile.
"He knows that, trust me, he knows that. He knows what he's getting into. Could you live with yourself if you never tried it with him again? If you didn't give yourself a shot?"
"I'm not a good person, I'm not like you, Sera. I'm not considerate, and I swear too much, and I hurt people I love, and I'm angry and tired all the fucking time … "
"You're no superhero, K, that's all. Welcome to the real world."
I look at her face and wonder who I've thought I've been all these years. Why my problems trumped everybody else's, why I was the only I thought suffered.
Everybody hurts, everybody's having a hard time of it, no matter what their circumstances.
No one's happy a hundred percent of the time, but shit, those moments where you are, they bring you through the not so great ones.
"Russia's in love with you, you know. Or at least he thinks he is."
Sera nods like this isn't news to her. "I guess that makes sense. He's been blowing up my phone with texts. He's stopped texting me now that I told him I'm engaged. I want to tell you something."
"Should I be worried?"
Sera shakes her head. "I love Hunter, which is new for me because I never thought this would happen to me in a million years, and a lot of that's my fault. I believed what my parents used to say about me, and I've found this wonderful man and his son, and we're a family now, and that's going to take work." She pulls in a deep breath.
"I worry everyday of how he feels, of how Matty feels. It's unfair what's happened to both of them, and when you're young and you have taken away from you … it feels like the world is ending, it feels like there isn't a point to living at all if you're not able to go after it a hundred percent of the time.
"I've given up junk food, and I live in an apartment that fits just the three of us and my books and DVDs. My life has changed immeasurably since meeting those two, and only for the better. I'm excited to get married, K, because I never thought I would. I don't know where to start, or what to do first. That's why I'm going to need your help. But I need you to promise me one thing - okay, maybe two things."
So close to the light at the end of the tunnel just to hit a pothole and have to detour back into the darkness. Shit.
"Okay … "
Sera smiles like she used to before I went all asshole on her.
"I want you to be my maid of honour, for real this time, and believe me when I say I'm not going to ruin Matty's life, I'm not going to break up with Hunt. As long as we're together, we're going to do our best to make it work – that's all we can do."
I nod, throat burning like the fire pits of hell. "What's the second thing? Or was there a second thing in there, ‘cause I lost count."
Sera's face is solemn, a study in seriousness when she stares at me. "I want you to tell Dean you love him. I want you to take a chance on him and see where it goes."
Can I do that? Tell him?
Ovary up, DiNovro. What's the worse that can happen? Your bad luck might kill your chances but at least you'd have tried.
"I'm going to try."
"Good. Now, I have something of the utmost importance to ask you."
"What now? Delos, I can't handle all these questions … "
"It's the last one, I swear!"
"Alright, shoot." I rub my eyes and ruin my makeup. Whatever.
"What do you think about a Harry Potter-themed wedding?"
Chapter 29
I'm currently surrounded by three furry bodies when my phone starts buzzing across Dean's coffee table. I mute the TV and grab it.
"Hello?"
"Hey," Dean says. He sounds absolutely wrecked. Maybe now isn't a good time for this.
Now you're looking for excuses. "Could you come unlock the door for me?"
"Yeah, be there in two seconds." I hang up, gently remove Potter from my lap and place him next to his big brother Pongo for puppy snuggles. I move to Dean's front door and unlock it.
He looks exhausted. His dinner clothes are full of stains as I watch him take off his coat, and he smells like grease and onions fried in butter. His hair's slipping out of its bun, and there's a spark in his eyes that's telling me no matter how tired he is right now, he's not going to be able to sleep anytime soon.
Perfect.
"Thanks for watching the dogs. You okay if I drive you home now?"
Not so perfect.
"Uh … yeah. Let me get my stuff."
Shit, what if I'm too late? What if he figures I'm not worth it?
Fuck that, he needs to know what he's missing.
"Dean, look at me." I stop putting my heels on, and glare at him. I take in his features, the way they look like they've been stitched together with the utmost care trying to hide the truth from me. I've hurt him again, but hopefully what happens next will fix that.
"I've … I've never been nerdy."
"What?" His head comes up and now I finally have his full attention. The boys come rushing to him after hearing his voice and rush him with all their canine affection.
Don't they know that this shit is HARD for me? All I need is a little cooperation!
Maybe it's my bad luck … or maybe it's a just a series of events that have brought me here, to Dean, ten years after the fact. Maybe all of this brought me here … for a reason?
I'd sure as hell like to think so.
"I've never been nerdy. I'll never be nerdy. I won't get your references off the bat, and I won't be able to share a lot of your enthusiasm over a show, or movie or book because I'm not wired that way. I like shoes and nail polish, and puppies."
Deep breath, K. Here we go!
"I might get your references only about five percent of the time. But Dean, I'm going to be here when you need me to be and I'm going to show up whenever you ask me and I'm going to ask the same of you.
"Because … even though I might not understand you a hundred percent of the time … I want to. I want to make you smile, and I want to make you laugh. I want us to adopt a hundred dogs and you can name whatever you want and I won't care. I'll love them anyway just … like I love you."
Sweet Virgin Mary, he looks like he's going to pass out. Maybe you shouldn't have proclaimed your love for him when his brain's clearly fried after work.
"Cages," he orders, and I jump at the sound of his voice.
What the what?
Potter, Kal and Pongo all run to their respective cages in Dean's second bedroom, all whimpering all the while like he's ruining their lives.
"Dean-"
"Just one second. I gotta check something."
Well, there you go. Maybe he had a wake-up call this morning. Maybe he's decided to get over what he feels for you. Or thinks he feels.
Okay, this hurts. This hurts a motherfucking lot, but I'll be okay. That's what wine's for. An anvil is squeezing all the air out of my chest, and my skin feels numb, but hey, I'll survive.
Bad luck … it's just bad luck. Or maybe it's just the flip of the cards. Fate. Whatever.
"Hey, where you going?"
"I'm gonna leave, it's okay, I shouldn't have-"
"Kitten, did you think I was going to let you get away after I've heard the words I've been waiting a million years for you to say?"
"It's been a lot shorter than a million years, Dean."
His hands are on my waist, and he's backing me up against a wall. "Yeah, but exaggerating is a lot more fun. Plus, it felt like a million years. Ah, kitten, you've made me pretty fucking ecstatic."
Warmth infuses my cheeks. "Yeah?"
"Absolutely," he nods. "Let me take a quick shower, I smell like a kitchen."
"I don't mind at all, come and tell me about your day."
"I don't want to talk about my day, I want to get into bed and have you tell me how very good I am at my new job."
I laugh, heat pooling in my lower belly. I could get used to this. "And what's that?"
"My job is to make sure I have you very ready for me before I get to be inside of you. So, what's the verdict, boss? Do I get a pay raise? Promotion? Stock options?"
I pretend to mull this over. "It depends on how well you can handle taking direction."
"I'm up for that. Shall we adjourn to the bedroom so I can start demonstrating my skills?"
"After you," I say, waving out an arm for us to go to his bed.
"No, no. I insist, after you. It'll always be after you." I look at the couch too long. "I want to do this on a bed," he whispers, voice gone hoarse.
"And I want to do this on a couch," I tell him, sinking my teeth lightly into his earlobe. He groans and bucks his hips into me, easing the ache between my legs for all of two seconds as he's pulled me close to his body.