Never Been Nerdy(40)

"What are you saying?"

"I was in love, once. It ended; she wanted something more, something better, and I don't begrudge her that. I just wish somebody would tell her that perfect doesn't exist, and that money isn't everything."

"I'll tell her! What's her name?! I'll call that bitch right now!"

Dean shakes his head, grinning. "So you do care about me... even if it's just a little bit."

I freeze. Have I been so transparent? "No, no I don't."

Deny, deny, deny. It's what you're good at.

"You're a cool guy and I enjoy hanging out with you."

"Yeah, you do. I'm awesome. But you still don't know my deepest and darkest secret."

"You're secretly a ninja assassin?"

Dean shakes his head, and the way he swallows nervously has unease creeping along my skin. "Nothing as cool as that. This is really hard for me to say..."

Realization hits me with the force of a Mustang hitting a brick wall.   





 

"Oh my God, you're really actually gay! You've been lying this whole time, and letting me maul you!" I'm burning red. The guy can't even appreciate a good pair of breasts and that's upsetting, but whatever.

"Shit, I'm not gay, kitten. I want to fuck you, but I'm not an animal, and my dad raised me better than that."

My whole body gets inundated with want, and my breathing picks up a notch. "Shit..."

"I want you, kitten, I don't think I've ever stopped. Not completely, anyway." He brushes some hair behind my ear, so gentle, so careful. My heart does weird things in my chest, and I have to swallow past the tightness in my throat.

"Like I said, you're not ready for this yet. Even if you seriously want it from me."

"You're being a tease, and playing mind games. I don't like that."

Dean smiles, kissing the tip of my nose. "You're beautiful, and bossy and I fucking love that. But if we want to go ahead with this, with a ‘you and me', we need to go careful. I'm a forever kind of guy, and you don't believe in it. I'm up for the challenge of trying to convince you, though."

"Dean... I'm going to hurt you, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but I will end up hurting you and have to leave you behind. I'm going to hurt you when you least expect it and when it matters most."

Dean stares through me and I've never felt so alone, so useless. His eyes get brighter almost, and for that split second our gazes meet and it's like he can see through every single cell I have, every secret, every thought.

"What makes you think I'm going to let you hurt me like that again? Because I'm going to make our time together so epic, so awesome, it's going to be the best time of your life. I promise you that."

"People change, Dean!" I yell, panicked. My breath comes in hard and fast and this is so important, more important than work, more important than my family, then what happened to my parents. He needs to understand.

"People change and then they realize they want different things, they want different people ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. I don't want to do that to my kids; fuck, I don't even know if I want kids!"

Dean smirks. "That's okay. Kids are a huge responsibility. I mean, the boys take up so much of my time, and having a human kid is super hard. I'd rather you lavish your attention on me a hundred percent of the time."

My mouth pops open, and I just stare at him. "What aren't you understanding? I'm going to hurt you, just like last time."

"I think the reaction I would get now from women and me being only in my Star Wars boxers would be entirely different from back then. Of course, there's only one person I want looking at my Star Wars boxers and she just happens to be sitting right next to me."

"You're making me angry."

"Bruce Banner kind of angry?"

"I understood that reference."

He smirks, and rubs his mouth with his hand. "Then you know that what you just said is also a reference."

"You lost me."

"Awesome. Let's watch Galaxy Quest."

I push at his big body, settled on my couch. Potter makes a sleepy sigh noise in my lap and I'm careful to keep my weight even on the couch so I don't give him a heart attack mid-sleep.

"You have to leave. Potter can stay."

"Oh, I see how it is, keeping the dog over me. I'm offended. Truly. I might have to go on a quest to win your love, slay a dragon. Do you know of any dragons around town?"

I'm shaking my head, just keep doing it until maybe this will all make sense.

"We're already doing couple-shit. So eat up, and gimme your remote so we can get this flick started."

"What if I don't want to watch Galaxy Quest?"

"Then I'd have to ask you what else you have in mind."

I narrow my eyes at him, trying to puzzle all this out. What is going on here?

"Are you trying to be sexy?"



"Is it working?" he grins.

"Not completely. You're trying too hard."

Dean nods like this makes sense. "So you like me cute and cuddly and just being little ol' me?"

"Yeah, I mean …  maybe … "

Dean grins and moves in to give me a kiss on the cheek. I move my face faster than the speed of light and get our mouths connected for a glorious few moments, feel the heat pool in my lower belly, my panties suddenly too abrasive against my most sensitive skin.

Dean groans, a deep rumbling sound coming out of him, almost like a cat's purr. He somehow leans in closer, pushing me back against the armrest, moving forward, over me  –  just where I need him to be.   





 

Until a panicked Yorkie yelp crash-lands the whole thing and we're both two feet apart now, breathing hard enough like we've just been saved from death by drowning.

"I'm sorry," he says, and I notice he's blushing. I eye the way his back and arm fill out the fabric of his t-shirt, the plain white cotton a beautiful complement to his skin. I wonder how many bench-presses he can do by using me instead of the barbell. I'm betting at least a hundred.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I started it."

Dean's body tenses up, like he's waiting for the gunshot to get him to start the race. "Potter, come here. C'mon boy, come over here," Dean coaxes with a soft voice.

Potter curls up in a tighter ball and promptly closes his eyes and falls asleep in my lap.

"You've been dog-blocked."

"I wish this was easier with you. I wish you'd just believe me."

I swallow, and keep my attention on the TV.

Tim Allen comes on screen with an absurd mullet haircut, and I try to listen to the words, the dialogue, try to completely forget that a Viking is sitting next to me, and he's asking me the one thing that I cannot give him  –  my heart.

He doesn't know I don't have one.



***



"Katie," Dean whispers, nudging me awake.

I'm an old lady, I fell asleep halfway through the movie. Potter lets out a whimper from my lap and gets up, hopping down onto the floor, emitting another high-pitched whine, basically begging to go outside.

"I'll be right back," Dean says, kissing me on the cheek. I try to sit upright, trying to convince myself that I need to stay awake, that I need to do something important  –  like tell Dean that this will never work.

I just pass the hell out, again, and wake up to Dean whispering in my ear, murmuring soft words that snake their way into my consciousness and wake me up.

"I just want to sleep, why are you waking me up?"

I can hear the smile in Dean's voice, but I try not to react to it. I want to go to sleep, not pay attention to the world around me and lose the battle with unconsciousness.

"You have to lock the door behind me when I leave. How are you going to do that all the way over here?"

It's futile, trying to keep my eyes closed. "Are you just going to keep talking? I don't like the talking," I mumble, and Dean laughs. I can't help but smile when I crack my eyes open. Shit, he really is beautiful, and it's not fair.

"You can just sleep here. I can't summon up the strength to even get to my bed. I'm going to sleep here. Go ahead and use the bed. Good night," I murmur, eyes drifting closed again.

"Yeah, I'm going to sleep in your bed while you sleep here."

Why must there be a conversation right now, of all times? Jesus Christ, shut up, Dean! Did I say that out loud? He's still babbling, so that would be a no.

"You have a king-sized bed. I'm actually going to fit!" Dean says, holding me in his arms. I didn't even realize I was weightless and airborne, just thought I was dreaming of flying away, away, away.

"Screw that, I'm sleeping here with you tonight," Dean says. He gently lays me down on the bed, undoes the covers and scoops me back up again to settle me underneath them. I shiver at the coolness against my skin, and Dean helps me take off my robe, only to hiss like I've sliced him to tiny bits.

I groan in the form of a question, but Dean just clears his throat and after a few seconds, I hear clothing being dropped to the floor, and then a dip in the bed. I should do something about this.

I've finally, finally gotten Dean in my bed, and I'm too exhausted from these past few days to do anything about it. I'm sick of the crying, and at least in my dreams, I can pretend and imagine a better life where I'm a better person, where I'm not so angry, and maybe in this imaginary paradise, I can convince myself that Dean loves me.

And just because in dreams, anything can happen, I somehow manage to love him back.