Someone's been watching too much Karate Kid.
"You're being an idiot. You're not the only person carrying around hurt! You're not the only person who's ever felt like shit after a divorce! What gives you the right to make me feel like shit after I lost Hunter's baby? Who the fuck do you think you are, Katie? God damn it, what's happened to you? So you're mom's remarrying. Who gives a shit?" Sera growls, and her fists are dangerously close up to her face like she's going to knock me out for real.
I'm shaking, my muscles just need an order for me to beat the shit out of her. I don't want to listen anymore. My hands shoot out and grab the fabric of her shirt at her throat. Sera's hands drop to her sides, and her eyes dare me to do some real damage. I yell in her face and shake her.
'm going to explode into a million pieces if I don't keep this locked down, if I tell her the truth, if I give voice to it.
But it comes clawing out of me, ripping out my throat and into the air.
"We weren't enough! My Dad and I weren't enough to keep her happy! Don't you see, you stupid idiot? I'm Matty and Hunter's my Dad and you're going to find someone who's better than they are, who's healthier, stronger, better-looking, not going to rack up the bills with all their meds. I won't let you ruin him, Sera. Don't get married, don't make this a semi-permanent thing that's going to fuck Matty up for the rest of his life. Don't do it, have a fucking heart."
Tears start spilling down my face and Sera just watches me, face devoid of any kind of Delos emotion that I've been so used to.
I've been keeping the truth hidden, even from myself.
"You're a coward, K. A fucking coward. Get out of my house." Sera says through clenched teeth.
I let go of her so fast my knuckles crack and I practically run over to my heels and slip them on. I'm out the door in another three seconds and I'm running, running, running, with no real finish line in sight.
***
"Hello?" I croak into my phone.
My voice is raw from screaming into my pillow, and my ears are sore from blasting my rock music over the earphones so loud. I nearly stopped breathing when my phone buzzed in my hand, but swiped to answer it before I could look at the Caller ID.
"Hey, kitten. You sick or something? You don't sound good. Want me to bring you some chicken soup?"
"No, Dean, I'm okay. I just need to sleep."
"Oh," he says, absolutely crestfallen. He clears his throat. "Well, could you come open your door anyway, my fingerprints are being stripped off from the searing heat of the exceptional meal I made for us."
I sigh. I really just wanted to be left alone. "Dean, I'm not in the mood for company."
"This doesn't solve the problem of me about to be losing my fingers all in the name of good food."
"Ugh, fine. Just wait a second."
I stuff my feet into my Uggs and grab my pink terrycloth robe up off the floor. I know my eyes are probably swollen, but I don't think I've ever cared less about how I looked.
I unlock my door, and Potter comes whizzing in, no introduction needed. The little guy puts a smile on my face as he zooms into every corner and sniffs for a few seconds only to sprint to the next one and the next.
I turn to Dean, who looks absolutely amazing in a plain white shirt and a peacoat for the colder weather. Late November isn't notorious for having snowfall, but it's been known to happen. His long hair is curling behind his ears and his green eyes are bright and concerned.
"Do I need a hazmat suit, or can I come in and put this down?"
I give him a mouth-corner lift and back into my apartment, opening the door wider for him to come inside.
"I'll get out of your hair, just let me take everything out of this bag and you can start scoffing as soon as I leave. Potter! Get off the couch, you heathen!" Dean barks, and I whirl around to see Potter, nose glued to the leather of the sofa walking from armrest to armrest. My couch is lower than Dean's so Potter's probably flying high on confidence right now.
"You can stay, if you want Dean. I won't be able to eat all that."
"Leftovers, kitten. Leftovers for tomorrow's lunch or supper. I just gave you a free meal. No cooking required from your end, and I get to know that my culinary skills are being appreciated."
"Dean … " I say, but stop because I don't have any other words to put after his name. He's so sweet and kind. What is he doing here with me?
"Katarina … You know, for next Halloween, since I was working this year, you should dress up as Katarina from The Sleepy Hollow. I could be Ichabod Crane. Downside, only about one in ten people will get it and that one person is Sera."
I make a hurt sound at the mention of Sera's name and Dean looks up sharply, eyes narrowing like my tears are a personal offense.
"I'm sorry. Let me just go get changed. I'll be right back. Make yourself at home."
Dean clears his throat, and runs his hands through his hair. "You look good. Ah, I mean, just go sit down and I'll get the plates. Christ, a guy tries to do something nice … "
I settle myself on my couch where Potter crawls into my lap. Dean comes with food on plates and cutlery rolled in napkins not long after. I feel a bit weirded out that he now knows his way around my kitchen, but shrug it off.
"Dean, why are you here?"
"It's Thursday night hang out. And I thought it would be better over here instead of dog central at my place. Besides, Max is over there with his girlfriend and they're having a long reunion , if you know what I mean." He waggles his eyebrows and sets to eating his won-ton soup. Who makes won-ton soup from scratch for fun?
"Eat up, kitten. It'll make you feel better, I promise."
A spark of an idea. Ludicrous and he'd never do it, but I'm so desperate right now for someone to want me, even if it's pretend, that I'll try anything right now.
"Can you do me a favour?" I ask, setting my food down on my coffee table. Dean was even considerate enough to bring placemats so the wood wouldn't be torched. Damn it, he's going to make some girl incredibly lucky one day. I'm going to have to pine from afar.
"Depends on what you have in mind. I can't grant you any more wishes than three, and I can't kill anyone or make them fall in love." He's quoting the genie.
I lick my lips, trying to ignore the nerves. All he can do is say no, but I might die of embarrassment if he does. Yup, just wither away from it.
"I want you to kiss me like you're in love with me."
Chapter 23
"No."
My shoulders hunch forward, trying to protect the gaping, bleeding wound in my chest. I don't know why I keep telling him what to do, I shouldn't have to do that.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I asked that."
Liar. You want to feel better and you're using Dean as a tool, again, to get what you want.
"Yeah, you do. Give me a chance to want to kiss you and work up the nerve to actually do it, kitten," Dean says, putting a palm to my face even after all the shit I've pulled. "Call me crazy, but there could be something here, and I don't want to force it, and you're too raw right now to need me in that way."
What the what?
"Dean, you know I don't believe in relationships. They don't work."
He shrugs, like what I just told him is nothing more than a minor hurdle he has to overcome rather than the freaking Himalayas.
"You've never been in one, well, other than me. And you know that I'm actually an amazing boyfriend. Look at me, I cook, I don't mind massaging your feet after you wear those damn shoes all day long, and I'm cool with hanging out at home instead of pissing away my money buying bottles."
Being a homebody with Dean sounds absolutely perfect. But it's a mirage, a joke – it's just not real.
"You're hot, I'll give you that," I say, trying to be flippant.
He can't be serious. But, what if he is? He knows you can't give him more, but he wants to go ahead anyway? Is he crazy?!
"Don't forget hilarious. But I'm still mysterious as fuck. I live in the shadows."
"Dean, you couldn't be a badass even if you tried. It's just not in you."
He looks at me with surprise. "I basically look like Thor, I don't know why you wouldn't call me a badass. You've seen The Avengers?"
I nod. "Sera dragged me on opening night and was making fangirl noises the whole time."
"Damn straight. It was an excellent movie. Guardians of the Galaxy topped it, in my humble opinion, but you say something as definitive as that at a comic convention, and there will be blood."
"Okay..."
Dean runs a hand through his hair again, scratches his jaw. "But I'm no Loki. That dude has enough issues to fill the Grand Canyon, but chicks dig him anyway. Why is that, you think?"
I shrug, not sure where this is going. Not really caring in the end, because I like talking to Dean, I like hearing what he has to say on any subject.
"I don't know. Women, talking in broad sweeps of generalization here, like men who are broken – we want to fix them."
Sera's done the same thing with Hunter, even if she doesn't want to admit it. Shit, I can't believe I compared her to my mom. I can't believe I said those things.
"That just sucks for all of us well-adjusted dudes. We're not broken enough, and we're not rich enough for the upper crust."
"Upper crust?"
Dean smiles at me, but it's really nothing more than placating. "Women like you, kitten, who have everything. You're independent, like goddesses that look down at the rest of us. You don't need us, and that's a scary thing."