Chapter 22
I've become a bro – the girl equivalent of being friend-zoned. I don't know how this happened, but it did, and signals are being sent and I'm getting them all cross-wired and it's enough to make my head hurt.
I feel like I'm sixteen again, so unsure of what to do next but knowing I'll die if I don't.
Dean has kept me at arm's length and I only get to hang out with him on Thursday nights, right before he starts his weekend grind at the restaurant he works at.
I know I've been putting it off, and my feet are nothing more than cinderblocks and there's a never-ending pit of shame flowering in my belly, but I force myself to knock.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bitch.
Bitch, who?
Bitch, open the door so I can grovel and make you be friends with me again.
My heart's pumping fast and hard, and my throat's tight as the wait gets longer and longer and longer … This was a bad idea. The invisible ticking clock threatens to strangle me as I come to the slow and swift realization of what I've done. The only true and good person in my life – I've pushed away.
Maybe it's for the best, now. Maybe Sera took my words to heart and is finally going to get her happily ever after – if those exist.
The door opens.
"Took you long enough to show up," Sera says. Her cheekbones are sharper, her jawline more delineated from the rest of her face. Shit, how long has it been since I've seen her? A month? I haven't been over since they got engaged. Yup, four Thursdays have passed in which I have been hanging out with Dean, and have not found the courage to come and see Sera.
Bad friend, bad friend!
"I'm a bitch, and I'm sorry," I whisper, and look down at my stupid Louboutins. I don't know why I wore them here. Sera's got her nerd shirts to wear as armour, but they're also invitations to making new friends, meeting people who are more like her.
Me? My armour is pretentious and materialistic and I can see how I've attracted the shitty people around me. I'm all about the outer package and I have no substance. I thought I did, but seeing the depth of Dean's personality through meeting him and getting to know him all over again has opened my eyes to how amazing a person Sera Delos really is, and well, I just can't compare.
"Fuck yeah, you're a bitch," Sera says, eyes cold and remote. My heart squelches in my chest, and I take in a sharp breath through my nose. I need to be strong now. I need to have courage.
She's wearing another one of her shirts that says ‘Trust my rage', and I have no idea what it's alluding to. Sera doesn't look pissed, just disappointed and I hate that look on her face. I'm the only reason for it.
"Can I come in?" I ask, still unsure if she's gonna tell me to take a hike.
Sera backs up a step and I'm not sure if that means a yes or no. "Depends. You gonna start mouthing off when something doesn't go your way?"
I stop myself from doing the said mouthing off. Looks like I haven't dug my hole deep enough yet. "No. I won't. I just need to get something off my chest."
"Then you can come in."
"You've lost more weight," I blurt out, noticing that her legs have gotten skinnier underneath her Star Wars leggings and even though Sera's shirt's baggy, I can tell where her actual waist starts and it's way tinier than it was a few months ago.
"That's not the only thing I lost," she says, moving towards the kitchen and opening the fridge. She stoops in there, and I lose her for a few seconds.
I shake my head, and try to make this easier on her and me.
"I came to give up my role as the maid of honour." There, I said it. Can I go home now?
Sera straightens up and moves to the sink, pinning me with a pissed-off stare that feels like she's napalming my face. "Oh, yeah? What makes you think you have a choice in the matter? You're the only family I have left."
"What?! You're not going to invite your parents, your brother? Who's going to walk you down the aisle?" My mind's reeling. What the what?
Sera washes an apple and takes a crunchy bite out of it. She stares at me while she chews, and I hate, hate, hate how much we both feel like strangers to each other.
"Hunter's trying to convince me to invite them all, but I only want people there who are going to be happy for me. And they don't fall into that category."
"Why don't you pick someone else for the job of M-O-H? We both know you don't want me there that day."
She shakes her head and takes another bite, deliberate and slow, like I'm not stepping on hot coals and a bed of nails this whole time trying to figure us out.
"That's the thing, K. I never thought this was going to happen to me, and now that it is, there's no one else I can see being with me that day. So that puts us in a little predicament, let's say." She leans onto the counter, all business as usual. Hell, who is this girl, and when did she become such a badass?
"I want you to tell me what the real reason why you're acting like such a bitch. The real reason, K, no tip-toeing around it. I haven't heard from you in a whole month. Dean's seen you more than I have."
I pull in a deep breath. I don't want to do this right now. Can't we just skip this part?
"That doesn't matter. I don't want to be your maid of honour, Sera. Pick someone else. Hey, pick Zoe! She'd be thrilled!" I tell her, referencing a friend of mine that I used to work with until I transferred departments. Come to think of it, I've lost touch with her the past few months, too.
Good job, K, alienating yourself was never so easy. Maybe you should call her up, get back in touch. Be a better person.
"Zoe's not my best friend. You are. Pick up the slack and tell me what's wrong."
I'm shaking my head, left and right, over and over again. "No. I'll be bad for you that day. I'll … I'll bring you bad luck, I'll be bad mojo for your marriage. I don't want that on my head!"
Sera narrows her eyes. "What bullshit is coming out of your mouth? I know you believe in the whole bad luck thing you think you have but it has no bearing whatsoever on how I feel about spending the rest of my life with Hunter. Could you stop being so fucking selfish?"
"Selfish!? I'm trying not to be, for once in my life! I'm trying to tell you that I'll be bad for you that day, that I won't be a good person to be around."
"Because you're lonely."
I shake my head, but the words spear through my heart anyway. "That's not it, Sera. That's not it at all. I just don't want to be there; you'll be miserable because of me. Trust me on this."
"Do you smell that? That's the continued stream of bullshit that's ruining my new and improved kitchen." Sera waves a hand in front of her nose and crinkles it.
I'm getting nowhere fast. Why can't she just listen to me and do what I tell her to?
I take off my Loubis and walk over to her in the kitchen. I don't know, but she's holding herself straighter, taller, like she's proud of herself. The whole transformation has thrown me off – she's not the person I knew. She's this new and improved version, the outside now matching the inside and I don't know how to act with this superhero version of Delos.
"You're starting to tickle my rage bone. Stop being a bitch and let me out of this."
Sera smirks. "No. Tell me what's wrong. Then maybe I'll consider it."
My blood races through my veins and my inner furnace is stoked to a fever pitch.
"Just listen to me, for once. Listen. I don't want to be at your wedding. I couldn't stand being there."
Silence, golden, pure and heavy silence.
Then, "Tell me why," the words are dipped in poison and expelled in frost. Jesus Christ, what have I done?
"Because I can't look at the both of you and wonder when it's going to end. I wouldn't be able to look at you, all dressed in white, all beautiful and perfect and wonder when the bastard is going to break your heart for good and I'm going to have to fix you."
"Keep going," she whispers, watching me intently.
"Don't you know, Delos? In the real world, love doesn't exist. And you're going to learn that the hard way, and I don't want to be there so you won't be able to blame me when it all gets blown to shit."
"I feel sorry for you, K. Really, I do."
I shake myself, and take a step back so I don't slap her. Her feel sorry for me? Yeah, right.
"I feel sorry for you because you're just a lonely little shit incapable of voicing your feelings and being brave enough to tell someone you care about them. I know you're falling for Dean, Katie. You've never really fallen out of love with him, after all these years. And that scares the fucking shit out of you," she tells me, index finger jabbing into my shoulder.
"That somebody might have a piece of you, that you can be connected to someone in that way freaks you out because of what your mom did to your dad. Well, grow up, K. Grow the fuck up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that love does exist. It's the only thing keeping me from killing you right now. The only fucking thing."
I slap her hand away from me. I'm breathing like I've raced with Usain Bolt and won; my hands are curled into fists and I'm clenching my jaw so tight I'm sure it'll pop out of place real soon.
"Dean has nothing to do with this. I'm not falling for him! Don't you think I would know that shit?"
Sera pushes on my shoulder and I take a step back. Pressure builds behind my eyes, and a switch gets thrown off that makes me go into violent mode. I move to push her back, but she knocks my hand away with her wrist.