Never Been Nerdy(25)

“I’m good. All I’m saying is if you plan on going after this guy, be good to him. Dean was really sweet to me in high school; he seems like a decent guy now. They’re so many assholes out there, you know? Why screw with one of the good ones?”

I cross my arms over my chest, and squint over Sera’s shoulder and see one of Hunter’s sketches of her face. I don’t know why she can’t see it, her own beauty, the way she smiles, the way she makes the room feel a little warmer, the lights a little brighter.

Well, wasn’t I blind to it, too? Maybe I didn’t do enough, maybe I didn’t tell her often enough how great she is. I just took it for granted that she’d always be a shining light for me, always be there when I needed her.

Maybe I’m just not that good of a friend to her after all.

“You okay, Katie? I didn’t mean anything by what I just said. I… I just don’t want to see Dean hurt. He’s super cool, once you get to re-know him, as it were.” Sera scrunches her nose at me. I feel like a grandparent trying to pinch her cheeks.

Why is it when we find something cute, we need to squeeze it, bite it? Humans are freaking weird.

“No… No, you’re right.” See? You didn’t burst into flames! “You’re absolutely right about this. I was different back then, I was a lot angrier. I know it isn’t an excuse-”

Sera reaches for my hand and squeezes it. Ah, fuck. I don’t want to do this. Not now.

“Listen to me, please,” she says. She squeezes my hand harder with her nerd-strength and I have to look into her face.

Damn, I feel… hollow, empty. I’m a machine, an automaton, running on fumes. I’m tired all the time, no matter what good food I shovel into my mouth, or how many kilometres I run on the treadmill. I could sleep for years on end and be perfectly happy. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

“Yeah?”

Sera’s eyes are big, like she knows whatever she’s going to say is going to hurt worse than soaking a fresh wound in rubbing alcohol. “Your parents were fighting constantly. We were graduating high school, starting cegep in a few months and all that was a huge time of change. We were all scared. We were supposed to decide what programs to go into and we were expected to stick with them, none of this changing program shit that everybody else was doing, remember? You were watching your parents’ marriage fail, Katie, how else were you supposed to feel? Safe, secure and fraking happy?”

I move to pull away, but she’s holding my hand tight, like she was expecting the move. Clever, Delos. I’m ecstatic that she doesn’t let me go.

“Whatever happened between you and Dean is none of my business. All I remember was one day you were together, the next day you weren’t, and I didn’t know why. I swear, you’re sick one day in high school, and it seems the whole world falls apart.” She sighs.

“I’m the stupid one for not asking, for not supporting you through that, either. I was just caught in my own misery and couldn’t look past that, so I’m sorry I’m such a jerk.”

I pull my head back. She’s just gone and said the stupidest fucking thing. “Delos, are you serious right now? I knew what you were going through, alright? I know all the shit your parents pulled, and how much it hurt you. Why would I hurt you even more with my pain? Why would I do that to you?”

Sera chews her lips, and looks down at our hands. It’s my turn to give them a squeeze. “We both need to be better, Katie, for each other, for the rest of our lives. We need to listen to each other and support each other better.” She pulls in a breath through her nose and looks up at the ceiling again. Holy hell if those tears make an appearance, I might just start crying, too.

“Look, you want to hook up with Dean, that’s fine. He’s a dude after all, and really, I have no idea how he had the sheer force of will to deny you. My small mortal mind cannot comprehend it,” she snorts.

“Yeah, yeah, Sera.” I wave off her pseudo-compliments. “I’m not sure I’m going to see him after tomorrow,” I say, giving myself a determined nod, like giving myself an A-OK on the plan I just came up with is really going to help any.

“What’s happening tomorrow?”

“I’m going to go apologize to him tomorrow. The fucking Viking has probably been sitting on his pain for ten years and really can’t move on without my apology and giving me his subsequent forgiveness.”

Sera blinks at me, nice and slow. “You did not just say that.”

“Of course I did. It came out my mouth, didn’t it?”