I’m too shocked to even say anything about his opinion of my intelligence. I’m smart, I know that, and I don’t need validation or constant approval and banners proclaiming it to the world. But there’s something in the way he’s saying it to me, something that’s just there but beyond my reach, like a frequency that’s just out of hearing range.
I’m missing the point; I can’t see the big picture. I’m a piece of bark on a tree in the middle of a forest without knowing I’m part of something greater. Dean makes me feel like that, like I’m blind and deaf to the world around me.
And for a second, I start to believe him.
“Who the hell do you think you are, talking to me like that?” I explode, throwing my arms up in the air, growling at him. “Nobody talks to me like that, Dean, not even my own parents!”
Dean doesn’t move from his spot and doesn’t look the least bit perturbed at my outburst. If anything, his lack of reaction makes me think that I’m in the wrong, like I’m just a spoiled little brat of a kid having a tantrum.
“Maybe they should have. Would’ve taught you some manners and how to treat people.”
“Dude, if you don’t want to go out with me, there’s a way of saying that without coming off like a total dick. And you have crossed that line.”
Dean shakes his head, giving me a patronizing look. He can shove that look up his ass.
“How can you not remember?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask.
“Shit, you don’t even know, do you? I thought Sera would say something, even when she promised she wouldn’t.”
“Know what?!” My blood pressure has skyrocketed, high-fiving the stars.
“I’ve lived and re-lived all those years of my life, and you, it’s not even a fucking blip on your radar. You know what? I’ve wasted enough time on this. I’m peaching out of here. Tell Sera I’ll call her.”
Dean gets up, steps away from the table after pushing his chair back in, and doesn’t even look at me as he passes me by. I gape as he goes down the escalator, looking like he’s sprinting down the thing, all while my mouth stays open.
What the hell just happened?
“Jesus, K, what did you do?” Sera’s voice floats to me from somewhere in the six o’clock region. I don’t want to look back and see the look on her face; her voice tells me enough. I’ve disappointed her, and disappointing Sera is not in the business of what I do.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m still processing.”
Sera comes to my side, towing Matty behind her. He looks more than a little crestfallen to find his new giant best friend not sitting at our table anymore. That look on his face is my fault, too.
“Are you about done? I’d like to get out of here,” I say. I sound like a bitch and I don’t care who knows it. Sera’s wise enough to keep quiet as we go down the escalator and make our way towards the cash. Only then do I realize she’s brought her books, Matty’s, as well as Dean’s that he’d left to the side of our table, discarded with her, intending to pay for them.
I take the books from her, not analyzing too closely what I’m doing, and the reason I’m doing it. The only person I’ve ever bought a book for is Sera, and doing it for somebody else feels a little wrong, like I know them.
But a promise is a promise, and I always keep my promises. Even if while paying at the cash, and looking into that snarky sixteen-year-old’s face asking me if I’ve found everything I’m looking for feels like punishment, feels like she knows what happened upstairs and how I didn’t win that argument.
It feels like admitting defeat, it feels like not getting the last word in. And I absolutely hate that.
Oh, I’ll get Dean back, that’s for sure. I’m not going to let that kind of behaviour slide.
Nobody calls me an idiot. Good thing about the whole thing now is, I don’t want to fuck him anymore.
No, I plan on doing something much, much worse.
***
Sera lets us into her and Hunter’s apartment, and I keep my growl of annoyance to myself. She’s gone and geekified the entire place.
The posters that used to be on her walls are now plastered on Hunter’s, and her bookcases are crammed in on either side of the TV. Her DVD collection has eaten any of the space left between the bookcase and the actual TV stand, the spines all facing outward and in, after a quick glance, alphabetical order.
Thank God on the drive back to her place, Sera didn’t say anything, content enough to fiddle with my phone, searching for some nonexistent One Direction.
I like that a lot about Sera. She always lets me stew in it, and never forces me to speak when I don’t want to. In all the years I’ve known her, she’s never pushed me to talk it out, which is my modus operandi.