“You’re beautiful and I’m not.”
What the fuck, NO! I never said that. Who the hell told her that?
“Underneath what you think is dark and ugly is a light that shines so bright, you might just chase the shadows in me away.” Smooth one, motherfucker. Absolutely smooth. Hope she doesn’t call out the cheese.
I meant every word, and I’m not one for prettying up what I have to say – it just came out. But it looks like I nailed it, because Sera uses my mouth again with hers, and holds out her hand when she pulls away, moving us towards the kitchen.
You’ve got her to concede a point this round, MacLaine. Now all you gotta do is somehow keep her.
I’ve got the kind of bone-exhaustion that makes me wonder how I’m moving. Another two weeks have gone by since I went ape-shit over Matty’s new shirt. All has been forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten. Today was a shitty day.
My sugars were out of whack and I was too tired to go work out to burn some of them off. What’s worse, I’m craving chocolate and knowing it’ll make me sick just ups the ante on my irritation.
I feel bad that I’ve been shit for company once Sera came in and had dinner with us, but she didn’t make me feel like I had to front a good mood just for her and the kid. She gave me a smile anyway, like it’s an A for effort.
I wonder if she’s figured it out, yet. How much I love her.
Maybe not. I’ve been cloaks and daggers with those words my entire life. Saying them to her might kill me if she doesn’t say them back. I’d rather sign myself up to be the pork in a meat grinder than just stand there and have her pat my cheeks while I watch her hips sway on her out of our lives.
Jules, are you trying to get back at me?
After my shower, I listen in the hall to Sera reading to Matty. He loves it when she reads to him, but man, does he ask a ton of questions.
“It shows what you want most, right?” Matty asks. “Wanna know what I’d see, Sera?”
“Tell me,” she says, patient as always with him.
I don’t want to hear this part. What I’ve gathered so far is that this mirror in Harry Potter is some sick shit, and I don’t want my nephew involved with it. I mean, the kid’s an orphan to begin with and his aunt and uncle make my mom seem like an angel.
You thought it would be a prime way to get your girl to spend more time with you. The plan backfired, bucko, since reading is her favourite thing in the world.
Well, maybe I’ll be her favourite thing soon.
“I see myself like you. I can run around all day and never get tired. I’m like Harry, Sera. I could sit in front of that mirror all day long.”
Hell, the kid’s just flayed me. I lean harder into the wall, needing its support. I’ve fucked up badly. I haven’t done enough to make him feel good about himself, to show him what’s right and wrong, to teach him about the world and what it is to be a man.
He’s just a boy, and he doesn’t understand.
I don’t want him to know the truth of what we are – how everything sucks all the time.
“I don’t want that Matty,” Sera says, and whatever heat I’ve got building in my chest, that’s all for her, every single piece of it. “I want this Matty.”
I can hear the kid start to cry, and they don’t sound like crocodile tears either. They’re the kind that come out after a skinned knee, or a tumble on the ground.
“You’re amazing, little man. I promise you,” Sera murmurs. While I’m pissed at myself and jealous if I admit it—that she knows exactly what to say to him, at exactly the right time—I’m glad she’s here.
“People lie, Sera. And people go away. And they never come back, like Harry’s parents. They left Harry all alone.”
“You’re not alone, kid. You have your dad and you have me.”
“What if you go away?”
“Then you come find me, that’s all. I’ll always be your friend, Matty.”
“Don’t you want to be my mommy?”
Jules, what do I do? How can I make this better for him? Would you hate me if Sera took your place? Didn’t you bring her to me in the first place?
Jules, I miss you, I wish I could talk to you. I wish you could tell me how to fix this. I’ve screwed everything up.
I pull in a few deep breaths trying to shake off the feeling that I’ve ruined the kid’s life. I can’t deal with that right now, not tonight.
I move away from the door and go turn off the lights, checking the lock, and the slider, then move back to Matty’s room.
Sera’s fallen asleep with my kid on top of her, her hand on his back like she soothed him to dreamland.