Never Been Loved(82)

Sera opens the door for me after I knock and I hope to God she checked the peephole. I move inside once the door is open, and feel that familiar fuzziness around the edges of my vision. Damn it, I’m going to need a sugar tablet or something.

Fuck, why can’t I ever be at a hundred percent around her?

“Do you want something to eat? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, maybe?” she asks, moving into my kitchen, ready to get me food for the second time today.

Can’t you just look at me like I’m normal for once? I’m dying to kiss you, Sera. Fuck the juice and fuck the food. I want you.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to have another juice,” I say, my voice gone hoarse. I’m sick of being treated like an invalid, like everyone might just need to walk on eggshells around me, even if I deserve it. I’ve been drowning for the past ten years, and I need someone to help me.

I just don’t want it to be Sera, I don’t want her to be my caretaker. I want us to be equals. We need to be equals in this, even if I’m not ever at a hundred percent.

“I was just putting Matty to bed, then I’ll get out of your way,” she says without waiting for me to say anything. Before I can open my trap, she’s turned into Matty’s room, and from my vantage point, she’s getting his pjs on him. Jules should be doing that. Damn it, Jules should be here, and Sera wouldn’t have to deal with the two of us.

I move to my bedroom, ignore the drawings I’ve been working on scattered all over the bed. I’m lazy when it comes to putting them up, and only a few make the wall. Better to hide these, anyway, Sera doesn’t need to see these, and I don’t need her asking questions. Not tonight.

I change into sweats and throw my shirt across the room into my laundry basket, scoring a three pointer from this distance. There’s no one around to high-five. I hear Matty and Sera having a hushed conversation, with Matty’s voice getting higher and higher, freaking out. Then I hear the tears and I move to the hall to get into Matty’s room.

Sera calls out for me, and in the room, I see Matty holding on to Sera so tight, he might break apart.

“Hospitals are scary,” he says. “People go away in hospitals.” I hear it all. God, why does he hate hospitals so much? I’m never letting him watch TV again.

“I just broke my hand, kiddo. Nothing happened to me. And your daddy’s right here, look. C’mon Matty, let go so you can see.”

Matty moves his head out of Sera’s neck and turns to look at me. He looks back to her, and sniffs, putting his head back into her neck and shoulder. “I’m scared, Sera. I don’t want to go to the hospital and go away.” Even I heard that. Shit.

“No one said you’re going to go away. I’m not going to let you,” Sera tells him like it’s a promise. She leans back and Matty lets her go, until they both look at each other like it’s the last time.

“Can you sleep with me tonight? No reading, I promise!” he asks in a rush, and I’m a complete spectator to what’s happening between the two of them. It’s not hard to see that Matty loves Sera – he really does. That’s why I can’t ruin this. I can’t.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, little man,” Sera says, and Matty’s voice rises up to a little-screech, and he practically whimpers. I stay where I am, struck stupid.

“Please, Sera! I promise I’ll be good, I promise! I won’t even think about cake, or eating bad food, and I won’t ask you for any more quarters when you say a bad word!”

I don’t know how this happened. He’s looking to Sera for comfort and not me. Is that jealousy, MacLaine, or relief?

I just don’t know. I think that makes me an even bigger asshole.

“Hunt? Is it okay?” Sera asks, like she needs permission to come my place. Hell, I’d give her a key right now if that didn’t scream desperate. But maybe she needs to know, that I’m not going anywhere, that I want her, more than she wants me. Not in a creepy way. Definitely not in a creepy way.

The kid, though, the kid has me worried. I crouch down, balancing on the balls of my feet, looking at them both in the eye, sitting on the bed as they are.

Genius strikes at the last possible second. “Come on. All three of us will fit in my bed.” Didn’t I say that this was gonna happen? Jackpot.

Sera’s face is priceless. She wasn’t expecting that. It’s frustrating, how she thinks, how she acts. Infuriating at time because I don’t know what goes on in her head, or why she reacts the way she does. Little things let me know that she was hurt, bad, in the past.