Never Been Loved(75)

“Would you eat, please? Hunter?”

I’m still staring down at my plate, wondering how this is all going to play out. She’s always going to need to take care of me and that’s not fucking fair. I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been dealing with this disease for ten years – alone – and with a kid who’s got the very same thing as me. Life isn’t easy and it isn’t fun. It’s a struggle every fucking day, and while I don’t want Sera to be part of that, I need her there, to make my life seem better like a junkie needs his next fix.

How am I going to prove to her that I’m better than this?

“Eat first, and then you can cuss me out, if you want. Right now, I really need you to eat. Please,” she begs, while I’m still staring down at my plate, not saying anything. If I’m thinking so much, means the juice is kicking in. Thanks, Big Guy. Add my IOU to the tab.

I stuff my face, ignoring manners and decorum and there’s probably going to be stains on my shirt but I don’t give a fuck. I don’t even realize Josh has come back inside until the couch dips and Sera’s sucked into my side and the fit is just right.

“I’m sorry, man,” Josh says, looking at both me and Sera. My cheeks are chipmunk full but I keep chewing and give him a nod.

“Fucking Tommy’s a dick on normal days, he saves the side of egocentric asshole for when we have company.” The guy stares into his beer. It could be the lack of sugar, but he could be honest. Maybe. “Is there anything you guys need in here?”

“Nah. We’re good, buddy, thanks. Actually, Josh? Do you mind giving us another fifteen minutes? I...I don’t think I want to talk to anybody just yet.”

I watch Josh nod at Sera and kiss her on the cheek. Why the fuck does everybody keep doing that? And why the fuck can’t I?

“Feeling better?” she asks, once we’re alone again.

I lean back into the couch, letting all the food hit my stomach and let out a heavy breath. Everything feels heavy, my limbs, my eyelids, even the hair on my arms. I’m nothing more than a weighted anchor drowning in a shallow sea.

Now you’re getting poetic. Shut up, and answer her. Truthfully.

I look at her, still chewing on the meat, tearing at the piece I’ve got in my hands like I’m a lion and it’s a zebra. She needs to know what just happened.

“I couldn’t tell him to shut his fucking mouth. That’s me as your friend, Sera. I can’t even tell a guy who’s saying inappropriate things to shut the fuck up or I’ll beat his face in. Because I can’t do that, not when my sugars are low, or high. I’m only okay seventy percent of the time.” Here it comes. “Do you really want that as a friend?”

Sera’s face is tight, like she’s royally pissed with my ass. I’m handing her an out-clause and she’s basically going to throw it back in my face. Hallelujah.

“You’re pissing me off. One fraking second, you’re all like, ‘yeah baby, give me that mouth’ and now you don’t even want to be my friend? Stop being an asshole, MacLaine! Decide what you fraking want, and stop playing goddamn games!”

Games? Games?! I’m the one playing games? She doesn’t even want my mouth on her, practically running through a wall to get out of my apartment, but no, she loves the kid, and I’m not as important. That sounded stupid.

“I’m trying to take it slow – for you. I’m beating myself up every fucking day – for you, because you deserve better, because you deserve more than half a man. But I’m too damn selfish.” Fucking shit, I am. “I want those nerdy shirts, to see you put them on every morning. I want you there every single night, reading Matty to sleep, waiting for you to crawl into bed with me. I want your voice in my apartment, I want your geeky posters on my wall, and your body in my bed. Is that real enough for you?”

Shit. Her face has gone white-on-white and her eyes are big behind the lenses of her glasses. She chews her bottom lip, making me stare at her mouth. I don’t know if it’s a calculated move or not. Sera’s practically trembling, and her breath has shortened like she’s run up the stairs.

“Super real,” she croaks out, clearing her throat after the fact. “I’d be lying if I said those weren’t words I wanted to hear.”

She’s going to make me smile when I want to be serious. Don’t do it, you’ll lose the battle. “I’ve wanted to say them for a while. You just need to know what you’re getting into with me.”

“I’m having a thought here, Barbossa.”